This Is Stupid.

miss ya, kid

2011-10-11T23:23:00.000-04:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sQC9KMEKhbI

Times like these? I really miss one Jordan Feder....

Fuck!

I'm gonna cry!

Nerd stuff. Serial Killer stuff. You know, the usual.

2011-10-08T09:36:00.002-04:00

Which do you think will happen first...

The whole Han Solo shot first debacle is settled or;

The Zodiac Killer case is solved.

This is what you get when you watch Star Wars and Fincher's Zodiac back-to-back.

Also: Han shot first. BOOM!...ish. Boom-ish....

This is stupid.

how to drown a bottle of Mr. Bubble

2011-04-25T22:58:00.001-04:00

How to drown a bottle of Mr. Bubble:

1) Buy a bottle of Mr. Bubble bubble bath.

2) Go home. Get comfortable. Draw a bath.

3) Pour the entire bottle of Mr. Bubble into the bathtub.

4) Get into the bath. Have LOTS of fun in the bubble bath.

5) Get out of the tub, grab the empty bottle of Mr. Bubble from the trash can (because who needed the Mr. Bubble bottle until now, correct?)

6) Get back into the tub, being careful not to slip.

7) Submerge the empty bottle of Mr. Bubble.

8) Squeeze until those fucking bubbles stop.

9) Release.

10) Squeeze one more time (remember to taunt the Mr. Bubble bottle about its lack of bubbles)

11) Release.

12) Screw on cap to submerged (and terrifically bubble-less!) Mr. Bubble bottle.

13) Drain tub.

14) Laugh maniacally.

On Easter: An Essay by Baxter Stockman

2011-04-24T02:12:00.000-04:00

It’s that time of year, you know?

It’s that special time, that wonderful season! It’s the greatest time of the year.

In the midst of Spring, with Summer in bloom! You can smell the freshly cut grass on Saturday afternoons, you can roll down your windows for Sunday drives through the countryside! Atop the hill in the center of town, the Son of God gets the cum whipped out of him before he gets nailed to a cross and hung out to dry! Flowers have begun to blossom and every tree on God’s green earth is full of life!

It’s all quite remarkable, yes? And yet I feel as if many of you who ruin this special time. I am, of course, referring to the same folks who ignorantly protest,Just what does a jolly fat man in a red suit have to do with the birth of Christ?! I will save that argument for another day. However….

For those who ask, What does a giant, egg-laying bunny have to do with Jesus, I say this: study the scriptures. It’s all in there. I don’t know where, but it’s in there.

Dude, look: God had one son, and his name was Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ died on the cross for our sins. And that’s where God put all of his eggs! He put all of those eggs in that blood soaked basket! For us! And now every year we stop biting our fingernails for a couple months! So it works out, yes?

They were soft-boiled eggs, btw.

Oops.

Mortal Kombat, translated.

2011-03-04T12:55:00.000-05:00

Holy hell, this cracked me up.

(via: TheAwesomer)

Community? Or Parks and Recreation?

2011-02-24T22:20:00.006-05:00

WATCH THESE PROGRAMS!
Community
Parks and Recreation
------------------
My successes. My failings. My handsomeness. My smallish/medium...ish babymakingrod. Of these things, I am sure. All of them. However, there is one thing of which I am not quite certain: what is the best comedy show on television, currently?
Ahem....
-------------------

Here is what every Thursday night is like for me:

8:31 PM - Oh, hell yeah! Community is by far the best comedy on TV!

10:01 PM: Oh, hell yeah! Parks and Recreation is by far the best comedy on TV!

10:02 PM: Both of those shows suck! Why do they insist on making me wait another week to break this Stalemate of Hilarity...which hath lasted for going on two years!

HOW CAN YOU NOT SEE WHAT THESE SHOWS ARE DOING TO ME!!

I hate you Community and Parks and Recreation!
Forever!

Review: House of the Devil

2011-02-19T22:39:00.006-05:00

I really wanted to edit this review of House of the Devil, but between school and all my other interests I know that I'll never get around to revising. Not that it's a bad review, but...you know. Anywho, here are my thoughts on Ti West's House of the Devil.

---------------

HOUSE OF THE DEVIL (2009)

House of the Devil is not a bad film. Far from it, in fact. I can honestly say that I can’t point to one element of the film that isn’t, at the very least, acceptable. Among the excellent elements of the film are the cinematography and overall production design, which together form the strongest element of the film: the look and feel of a cult film from the 1970’s/early 1980’s. Any and all elements of the design giver this film the look reminiscent of the later films of Lucio Fulci and others (but mostly Fulci…and only if Fulci’s flicks weren’t so horribly dubbed into English).

Director Ti West utilizes main elements of horror films from the era. For starters, the film is bookended with the classic still frame credits, splashed across the screen in a ghastly font in an ultra-icky color. The score reminds one of the old Argento zombie flicks.

An example of the elements of which I'm speaking? Early in the film our protagonist, Samantha, strolls through her college campus. West utilizes one of the more recognizable elements from a film shot in the 70s (and not just horror films): the swift zoom. The scene begins in a wide shot, with Samantha as our focus, at which point we zoom out into a wide shot. Samantha moves out of frame, only to reappear within frame moments later – in focus - to stop at a bulletin board. We do not know it yet, but from this board Samantha snags the advertisement that seals her fate. It’s a nice little touch. Most directors would have used that quick zoom to a Wide and made a cut to Samantha at the bulletin board, but West stays with it. But still, it’s just a remnant of cinema past.

Throughout the film West does this: Exterior handheld shots leering through the windows of the house, watching Samantha’s every move. We get extreme close-ups of mouths screaming in terror, and more extreme close-ups of eyes peering back and forth, looking for the source of noises within the dark. Darkened hallways and staircases shot at canted angles. The shots are chosen well, and nicely composed. West’s cuts (aside from writing and directing, he also served as an editor) are proficient. This is a well-made film if we’re working from a textbook.

But in the end that’s all there really is with this picture. Ti West is more than capable as a director. In fact, I can safely say I think he could do a damn fine job with more original material.

And there’s the problem. West’s story just isn’t that original. That being said, originality is not my problem with House of the Devil. I’ve seen a fair share of Satanic cult films from the 70’s and 80’s, and most of them share numerous story and film elements. The problem is that those films…were made in the 1970’s and 1980’s. House of the Devil was produced in 2009; the aforementioned terrific design elements of the film only serve to disguise that fact that this is just another bloody film about a Satanic cult terrorizing a (possibly) virginal female.

The cult flicks from that era carry with them through the years a particular charm, (mostly nostalgia, when you think about it) because the film stock was grainy – but only because a grainy stock was all a production could afford. I’m fairly certain filmmakers in the 70’s didn’t shoot on 16mm because they wanted to give it the look of a film from 1890’s. (need to phrase this better) If House of the Devil was shot digitally (or even on 35mm) and set in 2009, we’d still be talking about a mediocre story executed competently.

To draw a comparison, take Matt Reeves’ Let Me In (2010). The film is set in the Reagan-era 80s (198- to be exact), and the production design reflects this. But the Reagan era is not the main character of the film. Reeves did not choose his shots based on what a film from that year would have, he chose his shots based on the needs of the story. The same goes for the cinematography. The light, the colors…they all reflect the themes of the film, the tone of the story. Likewise, the main characters of Let Me In are Owen, Abby and The Father, not the year 1983. The main character in House of the Devil is 1974, 1983, or any given year between them. Samantha may be our protagonist, but a specific period of time – a style of film relegated to pre-1982 World Champion Baltimore Oriole’s - is the main character of House of the Devil.

And the story! Oh, the story!

Samantha’s fate is meant to shock, but it simply doesn’t. The penultimate scene in the graveyard doesn’t carry the “oh, sh*t!” final moments of The Omen. And the final scene – where we are given one last “twist” – doesn’t have the disconcerting undertones of a film such as The Sentinel. Those films had something at stake in the final moments. In House of the Devil we get nothing more than, oh yeah and this is why we tied you up to a pentagram and had a demon rub blood all over your creamy, sexy belly. Now can you please accept your fate? Sheesh!

House of the Devil is not a bad film. Not by a long shot. It’s just…well, too much of the production is geared toward being something it’s not. This film could have been so much better if it wasn’t attempting to be something it could never be.

You know, until time machines become available. Then Ti West would be right at home, waiting for Tom Noonan to be all creepy and stuff.

I give it a C-.

Peter Travers: Dummy

2011-02-17T20:50:00.005-05:00

Peter Travers writes that The Social Network should win the Academy Award for best picture. This is probably because he’s an idiot. Here’s my rundown of the Best Picture nominees.

10 The Kids Are All Right (I didn’t think this flick was any good, btw)

9 The Social Network

8 The King’s Speech

7 127 Hours

6 True Grit

5 Inception

4 Toy Story 3

3 Black Swan

2 The Fighter

1 Winter’s Bone

We all know I’m in the tank for Fincher, right? The Social Network was terrific. I loved it. But of the ten films nominated for Best Picture, it sits at #9 for me. Travers notes that he thinks the film has the year’s best screenplay, direction, cinematography, editing and score.

The score? I’d go for that. But 127 Hours contained the best editing. The best screen play would probably be for The Fighter (Although good, Sorkin’s screenplay is notably flawed due to some factual inconsistensies - sorry, Lani!). Cinematography? Winter’s Bone, hands down. Direction? I’d hand that that to The Fighter as well, but only since Debra Granik got snubbed.

And get this! Traver’s says Bale should win for Best Supporting Actor. Over John Hawkes in Winter’s Bone (my fav) or even Jeremy Renner in The Town? Christian Bale is amazing in The Fighter, but he wasn’t as good as Hawkes or Renner in their respective films. Hell, I even gotta give Mark Ruffalo props; he carried that p.o.s Kids Are All Right.

Oh! And he thinks Annette Benning should win for Best Actress. First of all, Kids Are All RIght is a goddamned ensemble flick; it shouldn’t have any Lead nominees. Secondly, Benning over Portman, Lawrence and Michelle Williams? F*** you, Travers!

Peter Travers doesn’t know a damn thing.

And I just focused all of my pent up rage from the day at some movie critic.

FML

thoughts. unfocused.

2011-02-15T21:07:00.001-05:00

This is not meant to belittle Gabrielle Giffords or Lara Logan. Not at all. It’s meant to show that our media is fucked in how it presents violence to the public. Every murder and every rape should be front page news. No doubt. But while the Today Show, and others, decide to devote hours upon hours of airtime to inane crap, people die and women are raped. Every. Single. Day. Hell, not even local news station can manage to find time to devote a segment to a rape victim if there’s an acrobatic kitten involved.*

Last month there was a tragic shooting in Arizona. A maniac killed six people and wounded even more. A congresswoman was shot, so it’s been on the front page of many newspapers. It’s been a mainstay of cable news for the last month or so. Fair enough; something like that should be news. Our legislative branch went batshit and started contemplating (seriously, this time) mental health and gun control legislation. Maybe because one of their own was involved? The whole, this could have happened to me! thang goin on, ya dig?

Last week there was another tragedy. A news reporter was sexually assaulted while covering the protests in Egypt. This is awful, don’t get me wrong. The last few days it’s been another cable news staple. Again, fair enough. This should be news. But it’s only news because Mika Brzeznki was horrified**. How often, in the course of her career, do you think Mika Brzezinski has reported on a tragedy? Without emotion. But what do we have? This could have happened to me! thang goin on, ya dig?

Light should be shed on such horrific events in an attempt to make sure they don’t happen again. But our media only bolts into action when it appears as if we can bleed that shit dry, right? I aim to watch at least ten minutes of the morning news shows every day, and one thing is sure: they all cover the same “headline” stories, and they all are filling the f*** outta some time.

As of January 8, 2011 - the day six people were murdered in Arizona - there had been eight murders in Prince George’s County, MD. One a day. I didn’t see this on the cable news networks, and it makes me wonder how many other counties have similar murder rates. And how many murders fly under the national radar? I can only imagine.

Our national media is just…awful. Is that the best word? Awful? I used to desprise the phrase if it bleeds, It leads. I used to think it was a scummy way to run the news business. But now I’m thinking maybe, once a week, all news shows should be forced to focus on the most horrific acts of violence perpetrated throughout the country. Just to remind people.

Just to remind people that more than six people in this country have been murdered. Just to remind people that more than one woman has been raped.

—————-

* I’m not saying to not air the acrobatic kitten segment - damn that’s cute! But maybe cut out the weather. Who gets the weather forecast from the news, anyway?

** This woman is always so cold when reporting on tragedies. Today on MSNBC’s Morning Joe she was uncharacteristically emotional. Using her as an example.

She's a citizen! Build a fence around her!

2011-02-14T22:15:00.002-05:00

NOTE:

This isn’t about illegal immigration. It’s about the blinders some anti-immigration activists wear when discussing Mexicans.

Yeah, I said it. Mexicans. Because I’ve never heard a Minuteman whine about how all those damn Irish Catholics are making job-stealing babies by the minute. I mean come on! If any group in the United States is taking up job space it's the Catholics. 100% FACT: For every illegal immigrant in the United States, there are 85, 568 Catholics who refuse to work. Okay, I made that up. Sue me.

----------

From Yahoo! today: Border activist convicted in deadly home invasion

This woman and her henchmen killed two people. And yet, we have not built a fence around her.

I'd like to take just a few moments to point out one of many differences between so-called Minutemen and other anti-immigration activists.* When an illegal immigrant commits a heinous crime such as murder, anti-immigrant folks rail about how this is why we need better border security, this is why we need a fence! We need to keep these people out! All they bring to this country is crime! And they steal our jobs!

I'll forego, for the time being, the bullshit job-taking, crime-bringing anti-immigrant talk. It's mostly just thinly-veiled racism, but whatever.

There's a stark contrast between folks like me and Minutemen, and we see it in what occurs in situations such as this.

Where is the rage from progressives over this anti-immigrants crime? Why aren't we calling for all Minutemen to be put in jail, or shoved into a small sect of land! Why, Shawna Ford killed those people! And she's an anti-illegal immigrant activist! They must all be like that!

Why is that not happening? Because we progressives - liiibrulz! - are fairly level-headed. We realize that just because three Minuteman commits an awful crime doesn't necessarily mean all of them are equally capable of committing crimes of the same nature.

There are scumbags in the United States. Some of them are illegal immigrants. Some of them are citizens of this country. I think I'll call Tom Tancredo in the morning, just to ask if he's gonna do anything about this shit.

------

* It's my belief that when you get down to the core of such beliefs it's all just thinly-veiled racism/xenophobia powering it all. So I generally refer to such folks as simply anti-immigration activists.

Mubarek, Mushmarek

2011-02-10T21:27:00.001-05:00

I did not pick up on this until today. There were a few headlines on Yahoo! today describing Hosni Mubarek as an "embattled" President.

Embattled President? No. No...NO!

Mubarek is a dictator. And the people of Egypt have had enough. Good for them. I hope they stay in the streets. I hope they flip over more cars and burn more s***. Those who are brave enough to stand up to their tyrannic dictator deserve our respect and support. If this keeps up, there will likely be massive bloodshed. Hopefully it won't come to that, but if you can cite a true revolution that didn't require a physical, bloody (and I'm talking Under Siege-type bloody) I'd be surprised. But anywho....

It's amazing to me that a country founded on a violent revolution is so ambivalent to the troubles of a nation in a similar state of resistance to oppression. I remember two weeks ago, there was quite a bit of hostility toward the protesters. The general consensus was, Whaazahh huh?! B-b-b-ut Egypt is my friend!
Uh, derrrrrp. And yet, we still show a bit of deference to Mubarek.

Why? He's a prick. But he's a prick who's allowed the covert US agencies to torture suspects for the last gabillion years. That's why.

SIDE NOTE: I was going to write a much more substantial blog, but in trying to find a quote from the incredible Chalmers Johnson concerning "extraordinary renditions," I found out that Johnson passed away late last year. Now I'm f***ing really sad, because Chalmers Johnson was just...awesome. I've always jokingly referred to him as the poor man's Noam Chomsky, because he was not as well-known to the general public. Whatever.

This sucks.

An article by Mr. Johnson. From 2007.

SUPER 8 > BLACK EYED PEAS

2011-02-07T22:43:00.004-05:00

During the Superbowl my Dad and I kept switching over to watch Holmes on Homes. Because we don't watch the Superbowl for the commercials, damn it! We watch it to see grown men hug each other very tightly until they both succumb to passion, faint, and fall to the ground in a loving, sweaty heap of man-flesh.

That's how football works, right?

So this is the one decent movie trailer I saw. And, because I'm a JJ Abrams groupie, I have to say I'm psyched for this flick. Aliens and Steven Spielberg producing? With JJ Abrams at the helm it's gonna be like Close Encounters of the Third Kind...but if the aliens in Close Encounters were drunk and belligerent.

PS: We watched an entire episode of Holmes Inspection during halftime. During a commercial break I told my dad to switch back. "Halftime's gotta be over," I said. It wasn't. At that point I realized that by the time I'm fifty, the Superbowl halftime show will likely last over an hour. Awful.

ONE-SIDED CONVERSATIONS. EPISODE ONE.

2011-02-06T16:10:00.004-05:00

ONE-SIDED CONVERSATIONS.

EPISODE 1: THE MISCEGENATION OF CARBONATION.

No.

No, f*** that! Dude, f***ing -- you don't understand!

Look: this isn't up for discussion. I'm not talking about whether it's right or wrong...

It's about --

No, no. Let me talk for a second - it's about rights and it's about --

Dude, listen: Read Paine's Rights of Man; it says everything I'm saying, just more poetically....

I know. I know you've got Sierra Mist Cranberry Splash. I'm just saying that it's not right to integrate the two.

What?! How is that ignorant? How's --

You just take the two and you mix them!

No, it's not the same.

I understand. I do, truly. But when you pack two elements in a bottle against their will it always ends in disaster....

....sure, Mello Yello. But that's the exception to the rule.

SPRITE!? Ugh, f*** Sprite. Sprite is awful.

I'm simply saying that to make a good drink like that you have to - okay, take Sierra Mist. The Sierra Mist Cranberry Splash. The only way that drink is going to be good is if you fill half the cup with Sierra Mist and the other half with a natural cranberry drink.

It's the only way. Otherwise you're not gonna get the best tasting cranberry Sierra Mist.

Whatever, dude.

Oh, awesome! Yeah I could totally go for a Coke Vanilla!

Thanks, Granny!

Super Mario Bros. On a Sidewalk. Awesome.

2011-02-02T22:48:00.002-05:00

A fella named Andreas Heikaus created this as a senior thesis. I get a little bit envious when I see such tremendous films, but then my little heart gets wamred when I realize I've just seen something so friggin awesome.

Super Mario Bros. from Andreas Heikaus on Vimeo.

Also please to be checking out this article listing the 20 Coolest Super Mario Bros Design Remakes. All of the entries are pretty cool.

on my knees, beggin

2011-02-02T14:50:00.000-05:00

Baby, I'm sorry. Look, just listen.

When I left - when I left you for Tumblr it was a mistake. I wasn't thinking my heart. No baby, that was my dicknballs talkin --

So anyway. I like me some Tumblr, but that place is only good for posting pictures and crap like this. So now I'm back here. Yay!

deader than dead.

2010-11-21T11:57:00.000-05:00

Moving to Tumblr.

You're dead to me, eBlogger.

http://ncolevas.tumblr.com

tha semenz is tha demonz

2010-11-18T00:08:00.001-05:00

A few days ago this lil' ditty popped up on Yahoo! news:

Exorcists wanted: apply to Catholic Church:

The church has signed up 56 bishops and 66 priests for the two-day workshop that began on Friday, seeking to boost the small group of just five or six American exorcists that the church currently has on its books.

My first thought was, How many exorcisms are there a year? I didn't bother to do the research because I had more important things to do...like making Catholic kid fucking jokes.

(...don't all Catholic priests know how to exorcise demons....from little boys' dicks? hardeharhar!)

I know it's easy to point to the kid fucking as a reason to condemn the Catholic Church, but for me this whole "we need more exorcists!" crap takes the sodomite cake. I'm not bothering to do the research on exorcisms throughout the United States, but how many new exorcists could you possibly need?

I can only assume there's a big fat goose egg for the U.S. on the 'ol Exorcism Chart at the Vatican....

Besides, you can always get the kid fuckers to do 'em. It's not like you moved them to another parish or anything, right?

I DID IT! I finally took that damn church down a peg!

Tha semenz is tha demonz!

this is stupid. super stupid.

2010-11-07T20:08:00.003-05:00

What follows is just some random crap that amuses me. These are pictures I took with my cell phone.

Don't try to say this doesn't make you giggle!

Is the orange cone blocking off the trash cans? Or are the trash cans blocking off the orange cone? Mind: Blown.

It's only funny if you watch It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. So obviously this cracks me up.

People think I'm crazy because I think this A/C unit looks like a friendly robot with a face.

My favorite kind of shower.

Who would need practice slipping and/or falling? It's nonsensical!

one day as a lion?

2010-11-02T00:33:00.004-04:00

...and which one is the lion?

I love how the one picture taken of myself and Eamonn taken in the last year has me - unshaven, squinting and pale! - and him crying....No, really! I love it. My mom took this picture and - as any great photographer - captured a true moment. That moment? Eamonn crying because his mommy was leaving...to grab some snacks. I cannot count the times I've carried the kid when he's been crying, and I'm glad I can't.

I don't want this kid to grow up....

i am your arsonist

2010-10-12T22:18:00.001-04:00

I AM YOUR ARSONIST is the name of Jason, Lauren and Chris' band.

Check out their Faceplace fan page.

They are awesome. As my tweet on the night of their first show stated, Breaking news: I Am Your Arsonist rocked so hard that my pants ripped at the crotch.

Anywho, here's the flier for that show. Save it. Cherish it. Caress it. Maybe even finger it. Y'know, just a lil bit.

I don't know who designed it, but they did an excellent job.

What I don't understand is why I Am Your Arsonist nixed my design for a poster promoting their second show...

BWAHAHAHAHAHA! Fartsonist! Get it? Such clever wordplay should be outlawed.

Logorama

2010-10-09T12:19:00.001-04:00

Lord knows why I never shared this, but better late then never, right?

This is Logorama. It won the 2010 Academy Award for Best Animated Short.

I can't get the embedded video to work, so here's a link.

I stole this Logorama still from this site.

I have no time for commentary, as I feel the need to get new tires.

yup.

2010-09-03T20:47:00.001-04:00

I think I've watched this clip two dozen times since it was first put up on Funny or Die, and it still cracks me up.

Commence giggling:

"Craigslist Penis Photographer" featuring Bob Odenkirk from Bob Odenkirk

death by basketball

2010-08-22T08:25:00.002-04:00

Remember that movie Deadly Friend? I do.

That, my friends, is called cinematic excellence.

the greatest thing in the history of ever

2010-08-20T11:02:00.000-04:00

Watch this. It's from Intervention. That show is depressing as s*** (and this episode was exceptionally sad), but I'll be damned if this clip doesn't make my dark little heart flutter.

And then there's this guy. You can bet yer arse that this guy is gonna DJ my wedding. As soon as Volushka arrives in the mail. (She's very pretty.)

Finally, the "worst wedding DJ ever." I think this makes him the best, right? I mean...yeah. The best.

So anyway, some fellas slapped together all this stuff (along with a panda sneezing) and came up with the greatest thing in the history of ever.

And if you don't know the story about the kid from the end, then you need to get with the program.

Eamonn: A Supernatural Marshmallow Monster Exposed!!

2010-07-05T23:04:00.001-04:00

Bear with me, please. I have a point.

(I promise.)

Ladies and gentlemen, a scene from the 1984 blockbuster, Ghostbusters (with some help from Imdb, although I think my artistic flourishes demand - demand, I say! - Oscar nominations!):

Something, something, something, Gozer asks the Ghostbusters to choose their Destructor...

Gozer:

The Choice is made...the Traveller has come!

Dr. Peter Venkman:
Nobody choosed anything!

(to Egon)

Did you choose anything?

Dr. Egon Spengler
No.

Dr. Peter Venkman:
(to Winston) Did you?

Winston Zeddemore:
My mind is totally blank.

Dr. Peter Venkman:
I didn't choose anything...

A long pause. Then, finally, a collective realization. Venkman, Spengler and Zeddemore all look to Stantz.

Dr Ray Stantz:
(stunned, yet amazed)
I couldn't help it. It just popped in there.

Dr. Peter Venkman:
What? What just popped in there?

Dr Ray Stantz:
I - I - I tried to think...

Dr. Egon Spengler:
LOOK!

The Ghostbusters look over the edge of the building. Wide eyed, horrified.

Dr Ray Stantz:
No! It can't be!

Dr. Peter Venkman:
What is it?

Dr Ray Stantz:
IT CAN'T BE!

Dr. Peter Venkman:
What...did you do, Ray?

Winston Zeddemore:
Oh, shit!

Stumbling through the city: an enormous, white, monster. Only one Ghostbuster recognizes this monster immediately. As a matter of simple fact,

Dr Ray Stantz:
It's the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man.

-------------------------

AHEM!

Has anyone else noticed that Mister Eamonn bears a striking resemblance to a certain, sorta-kinda, puffed marshmallow-like monster?

No?

Well, I have. Take a peek, ya clueless bastards!

Oh, no? He doesn't? Yeah...I know, that's understandable. After all, Eamonn is only a

TODDLER, CORRECT!?!?!?!?!

I'm sorry. No, really!...I'm sorry. Look...a massive font and bold print was the only way I could get my point acr-- no...please don't leave! PLEASE! It's important! It's....

....our lives depend on it! Oh...my...GOD!!!

NNNNOOOOOO!! EXCLAMATION POINTS!!! MORE

BOLD TYPING!!!!

My sincere apologies. I thought we were under attack, but Eamonn was just trying to give us all a --

OOOOGGHGHHGHGHNNNNNOOOOOO
HE'SEATINGTHECAT!!!

.......signal.............
.......terminated.........
.......yejerks!...........
..........................
..........................
..........................
..........................
.......PS.................
.......he.ate.the.cat.....
..........................
...........

my bucket list

2010-06-28T21:51:00.001-04:00

Ever have one of those days where every regret you've ever had seems to come by? Just to punch you in the dick? It's been one of those days. Days like these I look forward to kicking the bucket - what with me having fucked up so badly in the past few years. So in honor of my eventual demise I present my bucket list - which I wrote, to myself (in google mail) when maybe I should have been working? Meh. Screw it.

my bucket list:

a plastic beach toy bucket

a cement bucket

a drywall bucket

a dywall bucket that i use to store my car washing accessories

just a plain old bucket

a bucket painted like the american flag

a brand new, shiny metal bucket with no dents in it

a metal bucket with dents in it (so the brand new bucket doesn't get too full of himself)

a tiny bucket made for baby squirrels to use

a leaky bucket

a bucket shaped like the stanley cup (but not the stanley cup. that's too big)

things that are buckets (but you don't really think of them as buckets because your mind lives in a box...which is something that is similar to a bucket, but with a lid. and hair and brains):

a swimming pool

an asteroid crater

the letter "u"

the letter "w" (it is a double bucket if you think about it)

a hole you dug in the ground to keep your victims (a dead people bucket!)

a carved out pumpkin

a toilet

my calvert apex story (sorta kinda)

2010-06-28T21:01:00.001-04:00

I felt like going to the movies today after work, but I'm already tired by noon, so I figure I won't go to Annapolis because fuck it, I'm tired and I just want some dumb entertainment to kickstart my weekend.

The A-Team is playing at the Calvert Apex, I think to myself - and then say out loud so someone, feeling sorry for me, feels the need to interact with me. And when they being to ask about my weekend plans I cut them off and scream, "None of your fucking business, Holly! Why don't you go back to your loveless marriage?" Okay, that's not true. But I think I might have to start doing just that. Aaaaanywho;

Even though it's lousy, the Calvert Apex is ideal. It won't be crowded and it's a mere two minute ride from the house. So I google the "Calvert Apex," because it's been many years since they've had a listing on Imdb or Moviefone. For whatever reason, they just don't supply their showtimes to those sites. So I google the shit, but I clink on the Yahoo! Movies link instead. It's a mistake, because there are no showtimes listed (if I was remotely intelligent I would have made that conclusion before wasting my own time).

But oh, the little gem I found. The page had reviews, and this was the most recent:

I LOVE CALVERT COUNTY, but i drive to Bowie or Annapolis to go to movies because it is dirty, they NEVER NEVER NEVER have box-office hit movies w/african americans,
like TYLER PERRY only movies shown with african americans are those that star Will Smith, Denzel so get it together, get with the program, upgrade

So lets break this down.

I LOVE CALVERT COUNTY

I love it as well. But more for the open air, mild climate and good people. Not so much for the racism, though. That's sort of...not the best part.

but i drive to Bowie or Annapolis to go to movies because it is dirty,

Agreed. The Calvert theatre is pretty filthy.

they NEVER NEVER NEVER have box-office hit movies w/african americans,

I don't know what that has to do with being dir---ohhhhhhhh. Yeah. I suppose if you're an unapologetic racist you shouldn't go to theatres that black folks frequent - wait! Didn't you say go to Bowie instead?!

like TYLER PERRY

Okay, okay. Fine. I hate Tyler Perry. But not because he's black. It's because he sucks, and because he's become rich despite his outrageous flaunting of his own suckiness.

only movies shown with african americans are those that star Will Smith, Denzel so get it together, get with the program, upgrade

Is he telling the Calvert theatre to upgrade? Or Denzel Washington and Will Smith? I'm confused.

Also, do you think when this fella says "get with the program, upgrade" he's talking about drinking from separate water fountains? Cuz I don't think that could be considered an upgrade.

So anyway, I didn't make it to the movies. Maybe tomorrow. Or Wednesday. Or whenever. Whatever.

so long, mr griffey

2010-06-05T18:06:00.001-04:00

Ken Griffey Jr. retired earlier this week. This makes me sad. It makes a lot of other baseball fans sad too, almost certainly for the same reasons. Because while guys Sammy Sosa, Rafael Palmiero, Mark McGuire and Barry Bonds cheated their way into headlines and record books, Griffey kept it real.

I maintain that Griffey was still an excellent player in the past ten years, albeit a different one. He had to adapt as he aged, no longer having the same power he had at the height of his career (mid to late 90s, I'd say). He was injured often, missing a shit-ton of games. And ya know why? Because he wasn't jacked up on HGH or Creatin or any of that junk. You know what that's called? It's called class, kids.

Barry Bonds is the current all-time home run leader - and it's likely Alex Rodriguez is going to crush Bonds' record - but we all know Barry Bonds is a cheater. And we already know A-Rod had used steroids at different points in his career. Griffey didn't. But he's still at #5 all-time in home runs. I'm pretty sure he's in the top ten for hits and RBIs as well (but I'm too lazy to look). He'll be a first-ballot Hall of Famer, and no one will have any questions about his purity as a player. No one will ask for an asterisk next to his name or numbers, no one will question his contribution to the sport.

And that's what makes Griffey such a big deal, right? When folks write or talk about his career, there will be no digression about steroids, about cheating. It's all gonna be, Remember Ken Griffey Jr.? Damn, he was amazing...

And he was associated with the best frigging baseball game ever....EVER.

Introducing....SPOILER ALERT!!

2010-05-31T20:35:00.002-04:00

Introducing THIS IS STUPID'S Guardian Angel of spoiler alerts, Dr. Eamonn Nagy!^

Dr. Nagy will alert you upon any possibility of me releasing information that may ruin any film, television or literary experience you may be planning to enjoy in the future. These alerts will look like something like these joints, sucka!

Just a little background information on Dr. Eamonn Nagy:

Dr. Nagy is a Professor of Film Studies at University University, where he currently teaches courses in Film Production, Film Theory and Screenwriting.

His most recent theory course, What the F***?: A Discourse On Why David Lynch Is a Hack, concluded with Nagy shouting, "Just stop pretending to be a storyteller and admit you want to see beautiful women naked!"

Dr. Nagy holds numerous PhDs, all of which he has achieved in less than two years of life! He is able to cut you wiiiiiiiide open if you are interested in:

Generally Wrecking Joints, University of Maryland

Handsome Laddery, Oxford

Massive Poops With Minimal Effort, College of Southern Maryland

So you know what? When Dr. Nagy says "SPOILER ALERT!" you better listen!^^

--------

^Eamonn Nagy does not hold any degree in Spoiler Alertness.

^^ Again, Eamonn Nagy does not hold any degree in Spoiler Alertness.

sage francis' li(f)e

2010-05-28T22:20:00.002-04:00

It only took me nearly a month to finally get it, but it was well worth the wait....

The final song, The Best of Times, is by far my favorite. Looks like Mr. Francis and I had an eerily similar youth. Not only that, but the music for the track was composed by Yann Tiersen. Who's that? I didn't know either...well, sorta. Tiersen composed the soundtrack for Amelie. A film which makes you believe in true love even when you're at your most bitter and lonely. So I knew the man's work, but not the man. Wonderful musical track on this one.

Anyway, here is a section of the lyrics. You could also check out Sage's liner notes here.

It’s been a long and lonely trip but I’m glad that I took it because it was well worth it. I got to read a couple books and do some research before I reached my verdict. Never thought that I was perfect. Always thought that I had a purpose. Used to wonder if I’d live to see my first kiss.

The most difficult thing I ever did was recite my own words at a service realizing the person I was addressing probably wasn’t looking down from heaven. Or cooking up something in hell’s kitchen, trying to listen in or eaves drop from some another dimension. It was self serving just like this is.

Conveniently religious on Easter Sunday and on Christmas. The television went from being a babysitter to a mistress. Technology made it easy for us to stay in touch while keeping a distance, ’til we just stayed distant and never touched. Now all we do is text too much.

I don’t remember much from my youth. Maybe my memory is repressed. Or I just spent too much time wondering if I’d live to have sex. Fell in love for the first time in 4th grade but I didn’t have the courage to talk to her. In 8th grade I wrote her the note but I slipped it in someone else’s locker.

Considered killing myself ’cause of that. It was a big deal. It was a blown cover. It was over for me. My goose was cooked. Stick a fork it me. The jig is up. I blew my chances, the rest is history, our future was torn asunder. It became abundantly clear that I was only brought here to suffer.

I think that's about the first two minutes (the song is six. An incredible six). That last line got me a lil chocked up, to be honest. I lived so long thinking the same thing - that I was only here to suffer. And I thought this for way too long.

My first blogs here were so full of self-loathing, depression, despair that it's painful to even think about those days. Not literal pain, like that idiot creator of Grey's Anatomy felt.* But still, pain. There were also some early hints (to myself! from myself!) that the drinking was getting a little out of hand.** Naturally, I managed to sprinkle some delightful insanity in there too, but the point is, Sage ends the song like so:

Now I wonder if I’ll live to see marriage. Wonder if I’ll live long enough to have kids. Wonder if I’ll live to see my kids have kids. If I do I’m gonna tell ‘em how it is.

“Don’t listen when they tell you that these are your best years. Don’t let anybody protect your ears. It’s best that you hear what they don’t want you to hear. It’s better to have pressure from peers than not have peers. Beer won’t give you chest hair. Spicy food won’t make it curl. When you think you’ve got it all figured out and then your universe collapses…trust me, kid…it’s not the end of the world.”

Wow. I still wonder about the marriage and the kids (think I had an awesome chance there, but I definitely fucked up beyond all human comprehension on that one, folks), but yeah...overall this track affected me the most. The other standouts so far are Little Houdini and I Was Zero.

It's a great record. Go buy it, I guarantee you'll love it. Or hate it. Or whatever. Look dude, I don't care anymore. I gotta to be up early tomorrow cuz I have to help my Aunt Stacie move, so get outta here. You know I hate it when you watch me sleep. It creeps me out.

SO GIT OUT!

----------

* Sorry, but there's only one thing worse than not understanding the concept of "literal". And that's EFFING WRITERS not understanding the concept of literal.

** But Sage didn't include a song about that on the record...the inconsiderate bastard!

STAGECOACH!!

2010-05-25T20:15:00.080-04:00

John Ford's Stagecoach came out on Blu-ray last week.

Will you buy it for me? Pretty please?

Well look! Here's the thing: it'll definitely inspire me to put the finishing touched on The Deposed Kings of Red Rock, so when I make my billions - BILLIONS! - I'll buy you the Ultimate Wash for your car. That's the one with the wash, wax, undercarriage bath, the bug-buster, Rain-X application, the jim-jam, a wheel cleaner, the finny-fanny, the wrinkle inspector, a whootsy-tootsy and - to top it all off! - a signed Joe Orsulak rookie card. The catch is it was to be at the Solomon's Car Wash because that's where I got the gift card.

I'm kidding, of course. You buy me this, and I'll be thankless. Totally thankless. I might even spit on you. That's how the world works, darlin'. Get used to it.

(Actin like a heartless jackass...I can't quite pull that off, can I?)

From this point forward, anytime you watch a movie that shares the horrendous editing characteristics which include thirty billion quick cuts, pointless slo-mo and close-up shots and way too much CGI - all of which have you thinking, what the hell just happened? - watch this clip from Ford's Stagecoach.

And then watch this. Scroll to about 1:30 in to see a fabulous example of horrible filmmaking. Please don't watch the whole clip...unless you're unhappy with yourself and wish to wallow...crap.

I don't think being able to comprehend every on-screen image is antiquated in any way. Am I wrong? Am I an old geezer or somethin'? Good filmmaking involves putting images on the screen...that people can see! Why put an image on screen if the viewer can't make sense of it? I don't want to make this about hate, so I'll just say this: I aspire to create sequences like Ford, Peckinpah and Sturges. Those guys knew how to direct.

One last note. I know this is uber-nerdy, but I really do enjoy the art design of the Criterion Collection's releases. They've got some talented folks over there that really know how to capture the essence of any particular film.

i will drown my television in a bathtub.

2010-05-08T07:54:00.005-04:00

This is why I sometimes want to drown my television in a bathtub:

On today's Good Morning America (the Saturday edition), they did a segment on psychic hotlines and their credibility. The interviewer asked, "Is there any sort of government regulation in place?"

Really? REALLY?

Look. I'm all for government regulation where we need it but if the day comes where our tax money goes to regulate Miss Cleo and John Edwards, I will no longer consider myself to be American.

And stop wasting programming time on stupid shit. There's still that disaster in the Gulf and a bullshit immigration law in Arizona that need to be covered, among other things. Oh! And there are still two wars being fought - American lives being lost. Maybe you can give them some attention.

Television, meet water.

That said, I do think we need Uncle Sam to crack down on these phone sex hotlines, because I need to be assured that "Misti" is really a horny Swedish chick and not an elderly German gentleman.

MY MIND? BOGGLED

2010-05-01T13:36:00.001-04:00

Real quick:

I used to root for the Oakland Raiders, now I root for the Redskins.

I used to root for the Pittsburgh Penguins, now I root for the Capitals.

I used to root for the Milwaukee Brewers, not I root for the Orioles.

I never really cared for basketball, so who gives a hoot about the Wizards.

So since I've converted to Blind Homerism (which has been an enjoyable endeavor, btw) this past year I've noticed how bass-ackwards Washington/Baltimore is when it comes to sports. More specifically, how uneducated most DC sports fans are - and unbelievably fucking dumb ALL sports radio callers are.

Yesterday, Mike Wise dedicated at least the first hour of his show to pretending that the Capitals had not been knocked out of the playoffs, and most of the callers were upset about this. One man actually said "it's too soon." HE SAID "IT'S TOO SOON!"

"Too soon" is a phrase used when someone made a 9/11 joke on 9/12, right? Not when your favorite team gets knocked out of the playoffs - it's not like your mom died, douche.

Whatever.

Oh! It also boggles my mind that three of the Orioles five wins come from (arguably) the two best teams of the past ten years in Major League Baseball, the Boston Red Sox and the New York Yankees. Strange team, they are. Strange team.

Wait....WHAT?! Huh?

2010-02-05T12:45:00.001-05:00

Let me make one thing absolutely clear.

I was taught at a young age the difference between what it meansto want something and what it meansto need something. For instance, I know I only wanted a Nerf gun when I was eight-years-old (and uh, maybe last week? Maybe?)but I know that I need to drink water to survive.

At this moment in time, I am at work. It's snowing outside and it's probably getting pretty nasty down in Calvert. I should be heading home, but I NEED to post this. Right now! Got it? Are ya with me here, ya bastards?

Okay. Good. Fantastic.

This is a trailer for a movie called Birdemic. Yeah. Birdemic. If you can make it through the first minute then prepare to be amazed by the wonders of modern technology. Fuck you, Avatar!

You're welcome.

And there's this trailer for After Last Season, which is...Well maybe you should just watch it and when your head explodes, give me a ring. I'll be waiting.

new layout

2010-01-30T15:59:00.002-05:00

I'm working on a new layout. So stop giving me guff, a-holes!

The Losers!!

2010-01-30T15:53:00.000-05:00

Another awesome comic book series has been turned into a movie and, just like Kick-Ass, it seems as if the adaptation was handled well. The trailer for The Losers is out and...well, it looks pretty badass. And that's Composeon top of the fact that it looks like it's faithful to the source material.

The original series ran for about 30 issues before it got canceled, so I'm not sure if only one film could cover the insanely complicated main story arc involving The Losers and the super-evil baddie Max, but this looks promising. Just compare this image from the books and the still image below and you might just get a boner -- errr, I uh....yeah. Just watch the damn trailer.

<a href="http://video.msn.com/?mkt=en-us&from=sp&fg=MsnEntertainment_MoviesTrailersGP2_a&vid=1b9d070f-aff2-47f6-8a86-9b2b44ec4fc6" target="_new" title="'The Losers' Exclusive Look">Video: 'The Losers' Exclusive Look</a>

MacGruberrrrrr!!!!!

2010-01-24T10:35:00.000-05:00

Look. I'm not much of an SNL fan these days, but one of the few sketches that makes me laugh are the MacGruber ones. Stupid? Yes. But when have I been known to engage in high class humor, anyway?

So here's the red-band trailer for the MacGruber movie. It's really not that vulgar, but I suppose in terms of marketing it's pretty smart to go stick some date rape jokes in an SNL movie. Personally I think that's why It's Pat! wasn't a huge hit, what with its lack of f-bombs and date rape jokes....

By the way, I saw Legion yesterday.

Wow! What a terrible, horrible, shit-filled Twinkie of a movie...

(Review coming soon at this blog and WeShootHorses.)

why i am now in the world's oldest preofession

2009-12-23T23:24:00.002-05:00

I know it's sorta of silly, but I get really excited when the Criterion Collection announces new releases. Although I was late to the party with Criterion - my first purchase being Akira Kurosawa's Throne of Blood, Criterion's 190th DVD release - I've always admired the company's insistence on providing us only the very best presentations, for going all out with their releases.

So anyway, here is one of the many reasons I adore this company:

AK 100:25 Films by Akira Kurosawa

Here's what sucks about this:

I already own ten of the films that appear in this collection: Stray Dog, The Seven Samurai, Yojimbo, Sanjuro, The Bad Sleep Well, Rashomon, The Lower Depths, Kagemusha and Throne of Blood - all of which have an absolutely insane amount of supplemental material. Sadly, this box set does not seem to include many of the special features included with the individual releases.

That leaves fifteen films - FIFTEEN! - that I have never seen.

It sucks because - damn it! do I have to explain everything to you? If this set had everything I already own PLUS those fifteen films I neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed, then I could SELL the stuff I own and get this set for virtually free!

So uh....who's gonna give me a present of $319.00 + tax + shipping/handling? Hm? HM?!

Aaaaaaaaaand in the process of writing this I discovered that Criterion is releasing Yojimbo and Sanjuro on Blu-ray in March. So I need to start having sex for money immediately. Lets see, lets see...at my going rate it will take me 2, 14, 19, carry the one, divide by 10...AH HA! By my calculations I will need to sleep with ten thousand people to make the money.

Excuse me, I have to place some Craigslist ads...

oh, Samcro! what will i do when you go?

2009-11-25T00:18:00.004-05:00

I just wanted to put this out there....

Sons of Anarchy is the best show on television (and you jerks know that I devour film and television like I could devour eighteen orders of cheese fries from Checkers). It takes immense talent to make a gang of gun-runners as protagonists, but Kurt Sutter & Co. have managed to do just that. I'm not going to pretend to be knowledgeable about motorcycles* or motorcycle gangs**, but I do know good writing when I see it. And Sons of Anarchy contains supremely quality writing.***

-------------------

* I do know this: motorcycles have two wheels and they go vroom...VROOOOM! Wheeeeert! Vroom! Vroom! Hey, baby! Wanna ride?! Vroooooooom!

** Although I saw a movie about a mouse and his motorcycle...uhhhhh....gang?!

*** But keep in mind that I friggin' love Golden Girls. So maybe I know more about Rose Nylund's time in St. Olaf than I do about motorcycle gangs.

the first five.

2009-11-19T16:49:00.006-05:00

Just wanted to post this so people knew what I was up to. You know, other than doing puzzles and scratching my butt. So here, you prying bastards!

The first 5 1/4 pages of that will one day be The Deposed Kings of Red Rock are at the end of this post, just beyond the elephant. Keep in mind that it's Rough-rough and the .pdf I created before, so don't kill me for lack of clarity or typographical errors.

It's funny (I an shitty sorta way) that I'm writing this for EMF 377. About this time last year I was "helping" a friend with this class. By helping I was, in actuality, helping him cheat. At the time I had myself convinced I wasn't cheating -- had myself convinced. I didn't take me this long to figure that out, but I've only been thinking of it recently because I'm putting so much into work into the same final project for this class that I put into it last year. What makes it funny in that shitty little way?

I have the same professor.

Yup. I have a hard time walking into that class, and it only gets harder when I get my assignments back with notes noting proper formatting, story pacing, plots points...well, you get the idea. This time last year I certainly mistook "helping" with "cheating." I gave him older versions of treatments for The Nightmare. But while they might be older, I certainly can't use them here for any project at Towson.

I suppose I pay the price when I feel like shit for it and can't use my own ideas.

Because I helped someone cheat.

Aaaaanywho. Lets not makes this Poutytime. I have a question. Is a non sequitur a non sequitur if you ackowledge it before you engage the audience in what was, initially, a non sequitur?

What was I talking about? Oh yeah!

First five pages right now. First Act to come soon, if only because my grade depends on it. Rough draft of script? Before 2010, perhaps?

The first five pages of The Deposed Kings of Red Rock.

Red Rock -

MNF Live Blogging by The Nick, Eamonn, Lauren and Jason

2009-10-26T20:34:00.026-04:00

11:24

Welp! That's it! Way to go for it on 4th and goal...AT FOUR YARDS OUT!

I'm going to finish the watching the game upstairs. Hopefully Jason's whimpering won't keep me up all night....you know, once I finish crying myself to sleep.

10:48

Rocky MacIntosh just SLAMMED Michael "Must Love Dogs" Vick.

See what I did there? Yeah, I'm a genius. No, no dear. There's no need to thank me. I do it out of the kindness in my heart. And another thing. Did you know that Michael Vick had named his home when he was running his dogfighting operation? Yup. He called it "Hotel For Dogs."

Ohhhhhhhh SNAP!!

P.S. Everyone else went to bed, so I'm only updating when I have something absurd to say. Because if I do live blogging now I'm just a lame dick talking to himself on the computer.

P.P.S. I'm going to see Where The Wilds Things Are. Tomorrow. Come hell or high water. Preferably high water because it'll give me a good excuse to try out my new swimmies.

10:09

NC: Halftime. Well, I guess it could be worse....we could be watching the game while battling a case of scorching herpes.

9:39

NC: TOUCHDOWN! WOOT!

EN: And...BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE!

Jason says, "That touchdown was so pretty they're gonna give us 20 points for it."