how much squirt is gonna come with the flirt?

Last night I jerked off.

I think. (I think?)

Now I'll tell ya folks, the thought of jerking off and not knowing whether or not I actually jerked off scares me. Why? Because...

DUDE!! I need to know how much squirt is gonna come with the flirt! I need to know if a mega-blast is gonna come or if I'm gonna be greeted with the tell-tale drip, drip, drip of a lonely man.

Heaven help me if I think I jerked off before passing out one night, only to wake the next morning with a monster erection that needs to be captured, sedated and caged. Sweet Jesus help me if the Gates of Hades open up, only to be greeted by Sisyphus' favorite boulder hurtling at a hundred miles per hour right outta my dick.

I know, I know -- I know Sisyphus' boulder wouldn't be coming out of Hades. But just follow me here: The boulder, of course, represents the mighty river of splooge that has been released from the mighty bottle that is my Irish dick. And you guessed it -- the Gates of Hades is my pee hole. That makes the actual head Hades itself. Therefore, my balls are Romulus and Remus and Zeus is my butt.

And Athena is my poop.

What a mess that would be. What a fucking mess!!

butt seriously

But seriously, folks. I'll tell you the truth...

Reasons I won't kill myself before the end of the year:

To start, you're stuck with me for at least a few more days, cuz this sumbitch drops next Tuesday...BOOM!



And then...THEN!!

Step Brothers and X-Files
My penis feels funny.

Transsiberian -- Aug 1 (NY)
New Brad Anderson flick. Anderson is one of the parties responsible for Session 9 and The Machinist, so this should be excellent.

Pineapple Express -- Aug 8
This looks awesome. And I'm not even a pot smoker.

Tropic Thunder -- Aug 15
This will be one more reason Jason has to start liking Robert Downey Jr. Take that, Nagy!

Hamlet 2 -- Aug 22 (limited)
This one might suck. But it's liable to piss off a lot of easily offended Christians and that's always good for a laugh.

Burn After Reading -- September 12
Dude. It's the effing Coen brothers. Give me a reason this isn't going to kick ass and I'll give a blowjob to a dead horse.

Righteous Kill
This is probably gonna suck, but fuck it -- DeNiro and Pacino together for two hours? I'm there.

Ghost Town
I heart Ricky Gervais.

Choke
How many years have I been saying Sam Rockwell is amazing and, quite honestly, a looker?

What Just Happened (LA/NY)
Based on Art Linson's autobiography. This clip is the only one I've been, and apparently this episode is based on an actual event involving Alec Baldwin. Killer. Bruce Willis is great.

Religulous
Bill Maher's documentary about various world religions. I happen to like Maher. I like his show. I think he's got the kind of mind this country needs to move in the right direction.

How To Lose Friends and Alienate People -- Oct 3
Simon Pegg! 'Nuff said.

Zack and Miri Make a Porno -- Oct 31
It got an NC-17 rating its first time going past the MPAA, which means it will be eight trillion (literally! yes!) times better than Clerks 2. That's saying something.

Rocknrolla -- Oct 31
Maybe Guy Ritchie will stop sucking now.

Quantum of Solace -- Nov 7
Daniel Craig is the best James Bond ever. Everyone owes me ten bucks for not believing me.

The Road -- Nov 26
This should be way better than No Country For Old Men simply because The Road was a better novel. I heard they're turning McCarthy's Blood Meridian into a film as well, so that should blow both No Country and The Road away.

The Day the Earth Stood Still -- Dec 12
I know, I know. Keanu Reeves stinks. I was skeptical as well. Then I saw the trailer and this has some promise.

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button -- Dec 19
David Fincher adapting F. Scott Fitzgerald!? Wonderful. Fight Club is BY FAR his worst film and that kicked ass. This one might just be his best yet.

That doesn't include the handful of "indie" flicks that pop up on occasion or the neverending Netflix queue. So suck it, death! Suck it! And every year the list replenishes itself. Understand? Good.

smiley face. jesus face. rape face.

Dear Jesus,

So let me get this straight:

I keep getting fucked, correct? It's a constant, correct? Over and over -- fucked, correct? Various means, correct? Various motivations, correct? And I'm supposed to accept getting fucked, correct? Over and over again, correct? Until I die, correct?

"You know, medication helps. Medication assists the victims' psychological healing in the unfortunate occurrence of an unabashed ass raping. Did you know that?"

I say that in jest. Because -- you know (PEOPLE!!) that medication does not aid in the prevention of rape. Did you -- did you know that? No. You did not. Because you're a fucking moron. And if you think "God" is gonna help anything...well...MEH!! I tried that once...and guess who raped me? Yup. Thanks Jesus! Smiley face. Jesus face. Rape face.

Hello, everyone. I am going to get in a "car accident" when I turn thirty years of age. watch out for the blood lolz!!!!!!


I said lolz

LOLZ!!!!

bears, gummied and other political essays

Today I ate about two pounds of gummy bear (that is, many teency gummy bears and one giant gummy bear), two meals at Chik-Fil-A, a handful of caramel treats and a single box of Nerds. Needless to say, I have a tummy ache.

Giant gummy bears aside, today work gave me the rare blessing of a (somewhat) funny story. Now, when I hear about people saying or doing outrageously stupid things I'm usually skeptical. Under the guise of playing Devil's Advocate (yes, like Homer Simpson) I'll usually say, "Oh, they probably just had a brain cramp!" Thus, I procure more information on how and why said stupid person did such a stupid thing. But today? Today I couldn't even do that.

The receptionist ordered two pizzas from Ledo's. When they arrived she called numerous people, inquiring about a most curious mystery: Who ordered two pizzas from Ledo's?

Long story short, she finally realized she ordered the pizzas! Thanks, Scoob!

But -- BUT!! Where did she store the leftovers? There was no room in the fridge and you don't want to leave it out in the kitchen, leaving it to be ravaged by hungry secretaries in post-lunch feeding frenzies. And plus you need it to stay hot. Hot. So naturally the best place to keep a pizza hit is?

Her car.

Yes, her car.

No child left behind, assholes.

insert one of many quotable Joker lines here:

Since I'm the resident movie nerd in my group of friends and people clamor for it (for my movie review AND my cock), here's the best Dark Knight review I could muster. I tried to lay off all the nerdy film terms. Promise.

As is typical of my longer entries, I'm sure it's riddled with typographical errors. I apologize. Now shut up.

----------


I can't do a review of The Dark Knight. I truly can't. I had such high expectations. Unreasonably high expectations, to be honest. The Dark Knight surpassed them. Ya know, whatever -- I'm a huge Batman nerd and I'm a huge movie nerd. Combine the two things and you've got magic. I was going to apologize if this post got too nerdy, but you know what? Shut up.

Heath Ledger was fucking amazing. It would require another post entirely to explain why I think a posthumous Best Supporting Oscar wouldn't merely be an empty gesture, so I won't go into that. I found this post on WWTDD.com and I think it sums things up quite nicely.

And not to trivialize Ledger's life -- lord knows there are more important things in life than movies, including the fact that his death brought much needed attention to the issues of depression and anxiety -- not to trivialize his life, but it sucks that we won't get any more of Heath Ledger as the Joker. Fact is, I can't see Ledger in the Joker. There are times when I see aspects of Bale's Patrick Bateman (American Psycho) in Bruce Wayne and I knew the entire time that Aaron Eckhardt was playing Harvey Dent. Only Gary Oldman comes close to so successfully immersing himself in character that I could sometimes forget he was just playing a character.

The film clearly sets up the prospect of more Joker; The Dark Knight was clearly the set-up piece for a bigger, better, badder battle between the Joker and Batman. Anyone who knows about storytelling understands the set-up and the payoff. Typically the set-up is, simply, something to go unnoticed. The payoff is what matters. What Christopher and Jonathan Nolan and David Goyer have done ( with respect to Frank Miller, Alan Moore, Jeph Loeb and others) is used one entire film as a set-up. There is no true payoff in this film for most characters, and that's a beautiful thing. The payoff would have been a third film that would have surely made The Dark Knight look like Batman Forever in comparison. As a would-be writer I find it incredible that nearly three hours is spent on a set-up -- and it remains exciting the whole way through. I can only imagine what a third film with Ledger would have been.

Of course, there's Aaron Eckhardt, Christian Bale, Michael Caine and Gary Oldman, too. All terrific. And lets not forget the quick cameo of Cillian Murphy. If you blink you'll miss him, but it's a great detail.

There's the cinematography of Wally Pfister -- I can't wait to see this at IMAX to see his DP prowess in all its noir-y glory!! Pfister moves from gloomy Gotham nighttime exteriors to bright daytime sequences and it's all quite stunning. I'm thinking of the Joker's first scene as a prime example of the former and the hospital sequence as an example of the latter. Pfister doesn't go overboard with the darks in his palette. He allows the sun to shine when need be. After all, daylight can make even the dirtiest of cites look shiny. It's remarkably easy to wind up with a schizophrenic picture in terms of the photography, but Pfister does just fine here.

Massive props (har har) to the production design team, set designers and location scouts as well. I am again thinking of the jail house sequence, but also the Joker's first scene with Gotham's best criminals and the chase sequence in the second act. Again, it's easy to create an uneven palette in terms of a cityscape, but these teams did an incredible job culling together bits and pieces of Chicago to create Gotham.

And so, we come back my my insanely high expectations. Exceeded. Totally. I have a nerd boner. And it won't go away. Can someone please suck me off? You have to be wearing a Joker outfit to make this work.

Unfortunately, Toby Keith's new movie comes out in a few weeks, which means The Dark Knight will them recede from the public consciousness and fade into the void inhabited by such films as Killer Klowns From Outer Space, Howard the Duck, Scarecrow Slayer and From Justin To Kelly.

Toby Keith. Now that dude knows how to write a hit, don't he?! Yee haw!

fucking myself

If I don't start writing on this stupid blog more I'm gonna force myself to stick my dick in a blender.

That blender won't be on, of course. I mean...well, that's just dangerous. I had an Uncle who fell for the ol' dick-in-the-blender gag. Ever since then I've steered clear of blenders. That's why my milkshakes are hand -- whoa! Idea.

I'm gonna start a milkshake company and our motto is gonna be "We hand stir our milkshakes, because we don't wanna get our dicks caught in the blender!"

CUT TO: A smiling old man handing a milkshake to his wife. Aww.

It's too hot. I'm not wearing pants because it's so hot. I'll be honest: me talking about not wearing pants is making me horny. And I sorta want to fuck myself right now.

pee keys: a couplet

Today I washed pee off a set of keys
and I did it with a disturbing amount of glee.

Now that's a couplet! Fuck you, Billy Shakespeare!!

not my president

I want this on a t-shirt....right now!!

That's the best I could do with my limited artistic ability. But I still want a shirt made of it. It'll go well with my "L. FRANK BAUM IS A RACIST COCKSUCKER" SHIRT.

"It will be my sincere and constant desire to observe toward the Indian tribes within our limits a just and liberal policy, and to give that humane and considerate attention to their rights and their wants which is consistent with the habits of our Government and the feelings of our people." -- Andrew Jackson, March 4, 1829

"After a harassing warfare, prolonged by the nature of the country and by the difficulty of procuring subsistence, the Indians were entirely defeated, and the disaffected band dispersed or destroyed. The result has been creditable to the troops engaged in the service. Severe as is the lesson to the Indians, it was rendered necessary by their unprovoked aggressions, and it is to be hoped that its impression will be permanent and salutary." -- Andrew Jackson, December 4, 1832

Andrew Jackson. What a dick.

i'm boring

Well. Other than

1) drinking too much and
2) telling half the office I engaged in lots of unprotected sex in college (not true, and I need to remember that I'm not good at dry humor) and
3) rambling incoherently about someone who needs to be hit in the back of the head with a bag of stale bagels and
4) coming perilously close to having a nervous breakdown,

I had quite a bit of fun at happy hour last night.

I think this weekend I'm gonna drown myself in movies. Not literally, of course, as I tried to do that before and my mom yelled at me because I used her Golden Girls DVD box sets to do it.

(Just kidding -- the Golden Girls DVDs were mine.)

I recently read that this October Criterion is gonna roll out films on Blu-ray. The first batch will include Bottle Rocket, The Third Man, The 400 Blows and Contempt. Needless to say, my nerd boner has been intense. If they somehow get the rights to Touch of Evil and put that on Blu-ray I might just shit my pants.

Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX. Woot!!

think happy thoughts, peter

Peter Pan needs to see some multi-colored creme treats or he's gonna lose his shit.

two movies you should see

Well ladies and gentleman, we're a little past the 1/3 mark of the year and thus far it's been a fairly good year for movies. I'd like to take this time to share with you the first two films for consideration in my Favorite Films of 2008 list:

In Bruges. Funny! Much funnier than the previews made it out to be. It's hard to do dark comedy. Most of the time dark comedies fall flat -- Bad Santa comes to mind -- but this ranks up there with Dr. Strangelove and Man Bites Dog.

Son of Rambow. A story of outcasts becoming lost in worlds of their own creation in order to find some sense of meaning, it's terrific. Son of Rambow needs a few Oscar nods -- best original screenplay at the very least. Seriously, if the Academy can award overacted, melodramatic trash like Titanic, Million Dollar Baby and Crash Best Picture then surely a film with actual heart can get some love.

nuts for cowboy butts

I signed up for a GAP card today. Does that officially make me one of the douchebags I hated in high school? Yeah...yeah...I think it does -- but hey! I got 20% off! Yay me.

i'm adorable (and other stories)

Taking a break from working on my final projects and cleaning. For those interested, here's a quick rundown of some of the short stories I've been working on. Some of them date back a few years (The Joke; Ohio) and some are quite new (Deposed Kings; Yours Truly). The reason I'm posting this is so you people can light a fire under my ass and push me to finish something. I know I don't really say anything about the stories but...shut up.

In no particular order:

A Bomb in the Water Means Nothing -- I had a dream where I was getting married -- a beautiful ceremony on the beach. Just after the vows, as we're about to kiss, a missile drops into the ocean. The priest turns to us and says, "A bomb in the water will do this love no good." My wife turns to me and says, "Bombs mean nothing now." It means something, trust me.

The Deposed Kings of New Mexico -- Straight craziness involving Nazi's getting their asses kicked in a noir-western styled story. It's supposed to be over the top and so far it is. Think the western's of Sergio Leone mixed with the hard-boiled ass kicking of David Goodis and Jim Thompson (don't worry, I know you arseholes don't know who I'm talking about).

Light Breathing -- A romantic comedy...with a twist. Wait! No...it doesn't have a twist. It's just a romantic comedy. Originally inspired by Lawrence Arms song of the same name, but I've changed it up a bit. The title still fits. Represents the last remnants of my hopeless romanticism.

Yours Truly, The Arsonist -- Totally depressing story (that ends happily, believe it or not) . Based on a dream that had me waking up feeling good for once. Jason and Lauren told me I have to finish this one ASAP but I don't have to listen to them. Boom!

Conquistador -- About a womanizer who isn't really a womanizer but just a pervert.

I'm Adorable -- I'll level with ya...the protagonist isn't adorable. Actually, he's sort of an ass.

The Story of the Snake's Nest in the Land of Unicorns -- Seriously....scariest dream I've ever had and it had unicorns in it. I don't know what that says about my mental stability. I'm really aiming for magical realism here, so it'll be very Garcia Marquez-ish...sans the whores.

Ohio -- It's about Ohio, dummy.

Ain't No Magic in the Breakdown, Baby -- It's about giving up and how sometimes I feel like giving up.

12/21 -- I spend too much time thinking about what could have been, and I always come to the realization that I would probably be in the same position no matter what. This story is a literal take on that idea. It's hardly original, but it's unbelievably cathartic. The idea itself is a few years old, but the title (and a new angle for the story) came late last year after an insanely surreal but happy December evening. The next night wasn't very good, but that's another story.

He Looked Good In A Suit -- It's about an asshole I met at a wedding once. He was a complete douchenozzle. He wore sunglasses indoors. 'Nuff said, right?

The Joke -- It's about faith. And since I'm all out of that I might drop the story.

The Nightmare -- Another oldie. It's the one where the guy kills his wife and kid. The good news is I changed it and the wife and kid live...but everyone else dies. But it's still good news, right?! I stole this title from one of Jason's projects back in the day.

God's Precious Deserters -- This one's about people who fight religious wars because they believe their God is the True God. News flash: You aren't getting into heaven.

There's another story but I forgot the title. Crap.

Okay, gotta go get some schoolwork done. Andy's talking my ear off about pissing ashes or something and blabbering on and on about cartoons so I might just kill myself now.

P.S. Proof I used to be fucking adorable...

totally gay for crab dip

I was doing well in my quest to lose weight until my momma and I made crab dip for a luncheon tomorrow. I think I'll be ten pounds heavier tomorrow. Good fucking god this is awesome crab dip. I'm tellin' ya right now: if these crabs were gay then I am gay for this crab dip. Totally gay.

Now for some notes to myself.

TO DO WHEN THE SEMESTER IS DONE:

1) Read a book for fun.

2) Finish at least rough drafts of the short stories "Yours Truly, The Arsonist," "The Party's Over," "The Deposed Kings of New Mexico" "Light Breathing" and "12/21."

3) Buy socks.