how to drown a bottle of Mr. Bubble

How to drown a bottle of Mr. Bubble:

1) Buy a bottle of Mr. Bubble bubble bath.

2) Go home. Get comfortable. Draw a bath.

3) Pour the entire bottle of Mr. Bubble into the bathtub.

4) Get into the bath. Have LOTS of fun in the bubble bath.

5) Get out of the tub, grab the empty bottle of Mr. Bubble from the trash can (because who needed the Mr. Bubble bottle until now, correct?)

6) Get back into the tub, being careful not to slip.

7) Submerge the empty bottle of Mr. Bubble.

8) Squeeze until those fucking bubbles stop.

9) Release.

10) Squeeze one more time (remember to taunt the Mr. Bubble bottle about its lack of bubbles) 

 11) Release.

12) Screw on cap to submerged (and terrifically bubble-less!) Mr. Bubble bottle.

13) Drain tub. 

14) Laugh maniacally. 

On Easter: An Essay by Baxter Stockman

It’s that time of year, you know?

It’s that special time, that wonderful season! It’s the greatest time of the year.

In the midst of Spring, with Summer in bloom! You can smell the freshly cut grass on Saturday afternoons, you can roll down your windows for Sunday drives through the countryside! Atop the hill in the center of town, the Son of God gets the cum whipped out of him before he gets nailed to a cross and hung out to dry! Flowers have begun to blossom and every tree on God’s green earth is full of life!

It’s all quite remarkable, yes? And yet I feel as if many of you who ruin this special time. I am, of course, referring to the same folks who ignorantly protest,Just what does a jolly fat man in a red suit have to do with the birth of Christ?! I will save that argument for another day. However….

For those who ask, What does a giant, egg-laying bunny have to do with Jesus, I say this: study the scriptures. It’s all in there. I don’t know where, but it’s in there.

Dude, look: God had one son, and his name was Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ died on the cross for our sins. And that’s where God put all of his eggs! He put all of those eggs in that blood soaked basket! For us! And now every year we stop biting our fingernails for a couple months! So it works out, yes?

They were soft-boiled eggs, btw.

Oops.