fuck your salad!

(This doesn't count as a blog of substance.)

"Fuck your salad!" is one of the new phrases I use to freak people out. These days, you can call people all sorts of names and they won't blink, but it's got to be really disconcerting to hear someone scream "fuck your salad," you know?

Here's the deal, banana peel:

This semester's going well so far. I've got two papers, two tests and one project to get through and I'll be done. Barring a major meltdown I should be in good shape. In Fall 2009 I'll be going for a degree in American History, concentrating on the Colonial and Revolutionary periods. I'm looking at University of Maryland and Drexel and I'm sure both will laugh at me.

And I have no idea what's going on with the rest of my life. I've decided when people I haven't seen in a while ask me how life is going I'm gonna tell them "I'll tell you on my 30th birthday." That way, when I (you know) there will be this wave of people across Maryland going "Ohhhhhh...so that's what he meant." And then they'll think it was their fault, feel bad, and kill themselves. And so, I'll be the first person ever to commit mass murder from beyond the grave. You don't need to tell me that's a good plan because I already know it's awesome.

But seriously, I don't know. We'll see, we'll see.

P.S. I just googled "fuck your salad" and the first result had to to with those guys that made the Matrix movies. Medicore minds think alike, hm?

nothing to see here (but my penis)

"Nothing To See Here (But My Penis)" is an old country tune originally performed by Gene Autry. It's what got him his nickname, Gene "The Swingin' Singin' Weiner" Autry.

True story, true story.

I'm about halfway through a marathon weekend of school work and I'm taking a break. What do I do when taking a break? Have a few drinks? Jerk off? Snort coke? No. I post the cover of the new Weezer album. See, that's how cool I am; I can not snort coke in my free time and people are still in awe of my awesomeness. Do you have any idea how cool you have to be to make people awe at your awesomeness? To put it in perspective, in the history of the United States only six people have been "awesomed" (that is, have had people in awe of their awesomeness). Those people are:

1) Alexander Hamilton
2) Humphrey Bogart (the Senator, not the actor)
3) The Hamburglar
4) Yahoo Serious *
5) Zach Galifianakis
6) Me

* Proclaimed an honorary American by President Ronald Reagan in 1986.

Aaaaanywho, I'm off to eat a salad 'cuz I'm a big fat fatty. Maybe sometime soon I'll try and post a blog with some god damned substance.

you can't get banged on a dirty mattress in my town and expect to get away with it

I love the internet. All sorts of weirdos and robots and robot weirdos lying in wait to steal your identity or sell you identity theft insurance or someone else's identity. I was working on a paper while basking in my own general malaise when this person IMed me. And I thought I'd have fun with it.


Deepikaharris: Do you like dogs or cats or both. Write soon to chit chat.
Deepikaharris: I don't have a camera, and that sort of thing.
Deepikaharris signed off at 7:40:33 PM.
Deepikaharris is offline and will receive your IMs when signing back in.
nickcolevas: i'm sorry, dont have a camera?
Deepikaharris: Yes. Nevertheless, let's just write. Weather is good today. Just had dinner and looking at the political primaries.
nickcolevas: how did you come upon my screenname if you dont mind me asking?
Deepikaharris: I have no idea. I just started writing.
nickcolevas: ah
Deepikaharris: Okay. Today, I didn't have lunch. I had a bad cup of coffee at a diner that everyone likes. I pretended to like the joe. It was the worst.
nickcolevas: where do you live?
nickcolevas: in MD?
Deepikaharris: in Maryland. Where do you live?
nickcolevas: where in MD?
Deepikaharris: St. Mary's County
nickcolevas: is your screenname your real name?
nickcolevas: that name sounds familiar
Deepikaharris: Yes.
nickcolevas: how long have you lived in MD?
Deepikaharris: Over thirty years. What county do you live in?
nickcolevas: oh
nickcolevas: ok
Deepikaharris: You are not very revealing. Where in Maryland do you reside?
nickcolevas: calvert
Deepikaharris: Do you live and work in Calvert County?
nickcolevas: yeah. you? what do you do?
Deepikaharris: I work in St. Mary's County. I am self-employed. Where have you heard my name? --Note the paranoia.
nickcolevas: it just sounds familiar
nickcolevas: you own your own business?
Deepikaharris: Okay. How old are you?
nickcolevas: i asked you about your business first...haha
Deepikaharris: I contract my work. I work my own schedule and have specific deadlines. Do you mind answering the following: 1. Is your name Nicholas? 2. How old are you? 3. what is your occupation? The reason, just for communication purposes and discretion.
nickcolevas: i'm sorry,...maybe i'm just slow
nickcolevas: discretion?
nickcolevas: i'm 27
nickcolevas: and yes my name is nick
Deepikaharris: Thank you. I appreciate your honesty. I'm just looking forward to this internet communication. That's all. I just wanted to get the perameters of whom I was communicating with.
nickcolevas: ok
nickcolevas: how old are you? and what is your actual job? government?
Deepikaharris: I'm over 40. Yes. Local government.
Deepikaharris: Are you employed? Going to school?
nickcolevas: i work
nickcolevas: i don't go to school anymore
Deepikaharris: Well that's nice that you work. Have you completed school or vocational training?
nickcolevas: are you a robot?
nickcolevas: a 40 year old robot?
Deepikaharris: No. Your comment is absurd.
nickcolevas: i don't buy it
nickcolevas: prove to me you're not a robot
nickcolevas: wait a minute...i know who you are i think
nickcolevas: didn't you go to school with my sister?
nickcolevas: where'd you go to high school?
Deepikaharris: Your form of communication is at a diffferent level. What do you mean did I go to school with your sister? What High School did your sister attend?
nickcolevas: i think that's where i remember your name
Deepikaharris: Your last comment is vague. Where do you remember me from?
nickcolevas: are you the chick that got banged on a dirty mattress in back of Calvert high?
nickcolevas: back in 83?
nickcolevas: or are you with the CIA?
nickcolevas: it's one of those two, i'm sure
Deepikaharris: I never went to Calvert high nor on a dirty mattress. You're on the crude side. For a 27 year old, you sound very impish.
nickcolevas: i was just asking is all
nickcolevas: i may be crude but ma'am i am not rude
nickcolevas: my grandmother taught me that lil ditty
nickcolevas: before she killed herself
nickcolevas: :-(
nickcolevas: so do you like cats?
Deepikaharris: I asked the question first. You answer.
Deepikaharris: What is your last name?
nickcolevas: i'm allergic to cats
Deepikaharris: Good.
nickcolevas: it's not good
nickcolevas: it makes my eyes itch and my skin runny
nickcolevas: do you like cats?
Deepikaharris: I'll remember to have a whole litter of cats so you won't come around.
nickcolevas: well that's plenty mean
nickcolevas: i have a question
nickcolevas: where do you stand in the political spectrum?
Deepikaharris: No. You just have a variance of thoughts in trying to remember people. Especially when things aren't true.
nickcolevas: do you like Mike Huckabee?
nickcolevas: i love Mike Huckabee
Deepikaharris: Tell me about him.
nickcolevas: Mike Huckabee is the new Jesus Christ IMO
nickcolevas: do you like Barack Obama?
Deepikaharris: What is IMO?
nickcolevas: in my opinion
nickcolevas: do you like Barack Obama?
Deepikaharris: Thank you for clarifying the IMO. I like his political issues.
nickcolevas: Tell me about him.
Deepikaharris: Read the newspaper and watch the daily newscast.
nickcolevas: don't be coy with me
Deepikaharris: I asked your last name. Who is coy?
nickcolevas: you are coy.
nickcolevas: but not the good kind of coy
nickcolevas: coyote
Deepikaharris: Oh boy.
nickcolevas: yes
nickcolevas: do you have children?
nickcolevas: my last name is Craven
Deepikaharris: Nicholas Craven? Or is there an underlying pun?
nickcolevas: no there is no pun
nickcolevas: that is my name
Deepikaharris: What is colevas mean from nick colevas?
nickcolevas: it's an anagram
Deepikaharris: Please explain.
nickcolevas: you don't know what an anagram is?
nickcolevas: my, the school system has failed you
nickcolevas: my oh my
Deepikaharris: I just ask you to explain how colevas was an anagram. Sorry. I wasn't being specific enough. Now will you please explain.
nickcolevas: listen buddy. if you're going to yell i can't help you
nickcolevas: i can't tell you about the anagram because it's very personal
nickcolevas: i can tell you the first three letters
nickcolevas: Can't
nickcolevas: Openly
nickcolevas: Love
nickcolevas: EVAS are to be kept with me in my heart of hearts
nickcolevas: is your name an anagram?
nickcolevas: Dont
nickcolevas: Eat
nickcolevas: Evil
nickcolevas: Pears
nickcolevas: In
nickcolevas: Kansas
nickcolevas: Ay?
nickcolevas: that was a good guess i made yes?
Deepikaharris: Thank you for sharing your version of the anagram about your name. You lost me when you intended to direct an anagram towards my name. Sooo Sorrry you have a sick mentality.
nickcolevas: me too
nickcolevas: do you have more questions for me?
nickcolevas: this is a nice chat, friend
Deepikaharris: Okay 27 year old. Bye. Gooood luck. I promise to have a lot of cats.
nickcolevas: hey
nickcolevas: don't go
nickcolevas: sorry i was talking to this girl i know
nickcolevas: she's been bugging me about getting her preggers
nickcolevas: SHE was the one who wanted to have sex, you know?
nickcolevas: the nerve of that fucking cunt
nickcolevas: so hey...
nickcolevas: wanna trade pics?
nickcolevas: don't be such a prude

this is for you, my dear.

Time to bust out the backup plan. And you people say I'd never be able to pull it off. If everyone else can do it then by golly so can I. And if life has taught me anything it's that the sky's the limit as long as you're a complete douchebag.

Oh! And when they find my body minus the head (don't worry, this won't be 'til at least my 30th birthday), for the love of all that is holy! somebody please make sure to say "He had fallen from Grace....and Grace was a 300 hundred pound Thai tranny hooker with a knack for snowballing and a yearning to perform self-mutilation whilst watching a donkey fuck a handcuffed priest."

"i should have known all along...
thanks for making me cheap
and thanks for wasting my time"

slow math

92% on outline/presentation, 95% on annotated bibliography.

Woot-woot, motherfuckers! Woot-woot!

All Quiet on the Western Front

In the downtime before the afternoon mail rush, and to counterbalance yesterday's one sentence turd-blog, I thought I'd share this:

"A man cannot realize that above such shattered bodies there are still human faces in which life goes its daily round. And this is only one hospital, one single station; there are hundreds of thousands in Germany, hundreds of thousands in France, hundreds of thousands in Russia. How senseless is everything that can ever be written, done, or thought, when such things are possible. It must be all lies and of no account when the culture of a thousand years could not prevent this stream of blood being poured out. These torture-chambers in their hundreds of thousands. A hospital alone shows what war is.
I am young, I am twenty years old; yet I know nothing of life but despair, death, fear, and fatuous superficiality cast over an abyss of sorrow. I see how peoples are set against one another, and in silence, unknowingly, foolishly, obediently, innocently slay one another. I see that the keenest brains of the world invent weapons and words to make it yet more refined and enduring. And all men of my age, here and over there, throughout the whole world see these things; all my generation is experiencing these things with me. What would our fathers so if we suddenly stood up and came before them and proffered our account? What do they expect of us if a time ever comes when the war is over? Through the years our business has been killing; – it was our first calling in life. Our knowledge of life is limited to death. What will happen afterwards? And what shall come out of us?"

from All Quiet on the Western Front
by Erich Maria Remarque

That's what I meant when I mentioned the novel being insanely depressing.

Oh well...

Oh well. What are you gonna do?

MEH

Shit. It's Friday night; I should be out fucking, drinking, robbing, killing, fighting or stripping (or some combination of the six). Instead I'm reading All Quiet on the Western Front. I mean -- fuck! -- the least I could do would be to read something not depressing...like..I dunno, Power Rangers fan fiction. At least then I'd be entertained.

Maybe I'll just pop in My An Evening With Kevin Smith DVDs.....WAIT! I've got an idea!

I just need a dildo and some rubber cement. Avert your eyes -- this won't be pretty...

Fuck it's purty outside!!

File under "P" for Yeah, Nick's Totally An Emo Pussy:

Ah, spring. Today is the first day of the year it's been warm enough to spend more than ten minutes outside in a t-shirt and shorts so I'm packing up a book, a pen and a pad of paper and heading out to get some reading done. Now if only the ice cream man had his shit together....

okay, which one of you guys broke my penis pump?

Tonight I had to make an oral presentation on William Faulkner and it went exactly as planned. Now, when I say exactly as planned I mean I hit The Wall. It's sorta like Pink Floyd's The Wall, but not as catchy. My wall is the point where I make that first misstep, the point where I falter and then never recover. It came about eight minutes in in a 12 minute presentation. I stumbled over a note and the rest is history in the vein of Guernica. Granted, it's probably not as disastrous as I think it was (I did look over to see my professor nodding affirmatively and smiling on a few occasions) but...we'll see.

On a brighter note, talking about Faulkner renewed by interest in one of the short stories I've been kicking around in my head for a couple months I'm calling "Yours Truly, The Arsonist." Based on a dream I had that was at once extremely depressing and inspiring -- I mean, I should have leaped out of bed and wanted to shoot myself in the face -- I did my best to write down everything I could remember about the dream. I like that feeling. It's funny, usually my dreams are so insanely random (read: zombies turn into Incredible Hulk or aliens attack Earth with beach balls or fire falls from the sky and I steal a used brick from Target) but this one was very normal. It's about arson (naturally) and love and living in a small town and fixing your mistakes. Come to think of it, I guess it's about leaping over the wall.

Jesus Christ! I sound like such a pretentious fuck now so I'm gonna stop.

Time to go make my stuffed animals perform fellatio on each other while I eat macaroni and cheese. Well, I made up the stuffed animal part. But I'm sure as shit getting some mac and cheese in my belly.

just a few funny videos

Just some videos I find hilarious. Hopefully they'll have you in fits like they had me in fits. Enjoy!!

Sort of a teaser for Kevin Smith's new flick, Zach and Miri Make A Porno. The quality is awful so go HERE if you want a clear picture.


Zach Galifianakis. Funniest man...EVER!!


Trailer for a flick called Son of Rambow.


I don't care what you say, Will Ferrell cracks me up...

what's new? nothing.

Today at work Jeannie gave me a bag of cookies. The cookies she makes = amazing. They're chocolate chip cookies with coconut and -- get this -- just a hint of Bailey's Irish Cream. Well, I ate 20 of them in ten minutes and it goes without saying that I'm shithammered. Seriously, one beer and I can't control my bowels. Or my vowels. And I can't fold towels. But I'm good at scowls. I howl at owls and chase after foul fowls.

(WHAT?!)

Aaaaaaanyway. I was at work today and I had a thought: Work is an Alabama prostitute without the six dollar blowjob: it’s dirty and boring and I think it gave me herpes. That doesn't entirely make sense, but you should all know by now my brain does not work past 6pm. I'm almost like a Mogwai that way, except that I can eat after midnight (I won't give birth to gremlins...I just get fat).

Clearly I have nothing to say. What's new? Well, I do have something to say, but don't quite know how to say it. Lets just say I'll say I don't know how to say what I have to say today.

P.S. Do you think Elton John gets angry when people tell him he should stop looking at the world through rose-colored glasses?