two movies you should see

Well ladies and gentleman, we're a little past the 1/3 mark of the year and thus far it's been a fairly good year for movies. I'd like to take this time to share with you the first two films for consideration in my Favorite Films of 2008 list:

In Bruges. Funny! Much funnier than the previews made it out to be. It's hard to do dark comedy. Most of the time dark comedies fall flat -- Bad Santa comes to mind -- but this ranks up there with Dr. Strangelove and Man Bites Dog.

Son of Rambow. A story of outcasts becoming lost in worlds of their own creation in order to find some sense of meaning, it's terrific. Son of Rambow needs a few Oscar nods -- best original screenplay at the very least. Seriously, if the Academy can award overacted, melodramatic trash like Titanic, Million Dollar Baby and Crash Best Picture then surely a film with actual heart can get some love.

nuts for cowboy butts

I signed up for a GAP card today. Does that officially make me one of the douchebags I hated in high school? Yeah...yeah...I think it does -- but hey! I got 20% off! Yay me.

i'm adorable (and other stories)

Taking a break from working on my final projects and cleaning. For those interested, here's a quick rundown of some of the short stories I've been working on. Some of them date back a few years (The Joke; Ohio) and some are quite new (Deposed Kings; Yours Truly). The reason I'm posting this is so you people can light a fire under my ass and push me to finish something. I know I don't really say anything about the stories but...shut up.

In no particular order:

A Bomb in the Water Means Nothing -- I had a dream where I was getting married -- a beautiful ceremony on the beach. Just after the vows, as we're about to kiss, a missile drops into the ocean. The priest turns to us and says, "A bomb in the water will do this love no good." My wife turns to me and says, "Bombs mean nothing now." It means something, trust me.

The Deposed Kings of New Mexico -- Straight craziness involving Nazi's getting their asses kicked in a noir-western styled story. It's supposed to be over the top and so far it is. Think the western's of Sergio Leone mixed with the hard-boiled ass kicking of David Goodis and Jim Thompson (don't worry, I know you arseholes don't know who I'm talking about).

Light Breathing -- A romantic comedy...with a twist. Wait! No...it doesn't have a twist. It's just a romantic comedy. Originally inspired by Lawrence Arms song of the same name, but I've changed it up a bit. The title still fits. Represents the last remnants of my hopeless romanticism.

Yours Truly, The Arsonist -- Totally depressing story (that ends happily, believe it or not) . Based on a dream that had me waking up feeling good for once. Jason and Lauren told me I have to finish this one ASAP but I don't have to listen to them. Boom!

Conquistador -- About a womanizer who isn't really a womanizer but just a pervert.

I'm Adorable -- I'll level with ya...the protagonist isn't adorable. Actually, he's sort of an ass.

The Story of the Snake's Nest in the Land of Unicorns -- Seriously....scariest dream I've ever had and it had unicorns in it. I don't know what that says about my mental stability. I'm really aiming for magical realism here, so it'll be very Garcia Marquez-ish...sans the whores.

Ohio -- It's about Ohio, dummy.

Ain't No Magic in the Breakdown, Baby -- It's about giving up and how sometimes I feel like giving up.

12/21 -- I spend too much time thinking about what could have been, and I always come to the realization that I would probably be in the same position no matter what. This story is a literal take on that idea. It's hardly original, but it's unbelievably cathartic. The idea itself is a few years old, but the title (and a new angle for the story) came late last year after an insanely surreal but happy December evening. The next night wasn't very good, but that's another story.

He Looked Good In A Suit -- It's about an asshole I met at a wedding once. He was a complete douchenozzle. He wore sunglasses indoors. 'Nuff said, right?

The Joke -- It's about faith. And since I'm all out of that I might drop the story.

The Nightmare -- Another oldie. It's the one where the guy kills his wife and kid. The good news is I changed it and the wife and kid live...but everyone else dies. But it's still good news, right?! I stole this title from one of Jason's projects back in the day.

God's Precious Deserters -- This one's about people who fight religious wars because they believe their God is the True God. News flash: You aren't getting into heaven.

There's another story but I forgot the title. Crap.

Okay, gotta go get some schoolwork done. Andy's talking my ear off about pissing ashes or something and blabbering on and on about cartoons so I might just kill myself now.

P.S. Proof I used to be fucking adorable...

totally gay for crab dip

I was doing well in my quest to lose weight until my momma and I made crab dip for a luncheon tomorrow. I think I'll be ten pounds heavier tomorrow. Good fucking god this is awesome crab dip. I'm tellin' ya right now: if these crabs were gay then I am gay for this crab dip. Totally gay.

Now for some notes to myself.

TO DO WHEN THE SEMESTER IS DONE:

1) Read a book for fun.

2) Finish at least rough drafts of the short stories "Yours Truly, The Arsonist," "The Party's Over," "The Deposed Kings of New Mexico" "Light Breathing" and "12/21."

3) Buy socks.

there's gonna have to be a mess.

I don't know what it is with you people. Why does everyone get so upset when I say I'll gonna kill myself on my 30th birthday?! You know, at least I have a plan! At least I have the common decency to let people know ahead of time so they can think about what to say when the time comes. You're welcome for that, by the way. And hey -- I'm going back to school, I'm going to live life to its fullest (for eight-ish years). So you can't say I tried.

Okay, okay...fine! FINE! 35th birthday. But there are going to be some negotiations. First, I'm gonna have to do it with a gun. If I have to wait longer there's gonna have to be a mess. Second, I'm going to start having sex with escorts. Usually I'd stay away, what with all the STD's, but if I have to wait longer...there's gonna have to be a mess.

Besides, life ain't got nothing planned for me past 35 except baldness, obesity, grumpiness, the end of The Simpsons, taxes, bad knees, loneliness and, if I'm lucky, a swimming pool.

So there!

the michelin man and his dog

There's just something not right with that new Michelin Man commercial where the he has a Michelin Dog. When that dog jumps up into the Michelin Man's arms and starts licking his face -- I dunno, it looks like a marshmallow licking another marshmallow...and there's something unnatural about that. I know one thing: that won't fly in Red State America.

'Cuz wee c'aint be takin too kindly to marshmallows licking on each utter. It ain't ryyyyyte.

fuck your salad!

(This doesn't count as a blog of substance.)

"Fuck your salad!" is one of the new phrases I use to freak people out. These days, you can call people all sorts of names and they won't blink, but it's got to be really disconcerting to hear someone scream "fuck your salad," you know?

Here's the deal, banana peel:

This semester's going well so far. I've got two papers, two tests and one project to get through and I'll be done. Barring a major meltdown I should be in good shape. In Fall 2009 I'll be going for a degree in American History, concentrating on the Colonial and Revolutionary periods. I'm looking at University of Maryland and Drexel and I'm sure both will laugh at me.

And I have no idea what's going on with the rest of my life. I've decided when people I haven't seen in a while ask me how life is going I'm gonna tell them "I'll tell you on my 30th birthday." That way, when I (you know) there will be this wave of people across Maryland going "Ohhhhhh...so that's what he meant." And then they'll think it was their fault, feel bad, and kill themselves. And so, I'll be the first person ever to commit mass murder from beyond the grave. You don't need to tell me that's a good plan because I already know it's awesome.

But seriously, I don't know. We'll see, we'll see.

P.S. I just googled "fuck your salad" and the first result had to to with those guys that made the Matrix movies. Medicore minds think alike, hm?

nothing to see here (but my penis)

"Nothing To See Here (But My Penis)" is an old country tune originally performed by Gene Autry. It's what got him his nickname, Gene "The Swingin' Singin' Weiner" Autry.

True story, true story.

I'm about halfway through a marathon weekend of school work and I'm taking a break. What do I do when taking a break? Have a few drinks? Jerk off? Snort coke? No. I post the cover of the new Weezer album. See, that's how cool I am; I can not snort coke in my free time and people are still in awe of my awesomeness. Do you have any idea how cool you have to be to make people awe at your awesomeness? To put it in perspective, in the history of the United States only six people have been "awesomed" (that is, have had people in awe of their awesomeness). Those people are:

1) Alexander Hamilton
2) Humphrey Bogart (the Senator, not the actor)
3) The Hamburglar
4) Yahoo Serious *
5) Zach Galifianakis
6) Me

* Proclaimed an honorary American by President Ronald Reagan in 1986.

Aaaaanywho, I'm off to eat a salad 'cuz I'm a big fat fatty. Maybe sometime soon I'll try and post a blog with some god damned substance.

you can't get banged on a dirty mattress in my town and expect to get away with it

I love the internet. All sorts of weirdos and robots and robot weirdos lying in wait to steal your identity or sell you identity theft insurance or someone else's identity. I was working on a paper while basking in my own general malaise when this person IMed me. And I thought I'd have fun with it.


Deepikaharris: Do you like dogs or cats or both. Write soon to chit chat.
Deepikaharris: I don't have a camera, and that sort of thing.
Deepikaharris signed off at 7:40:33 PM.
Deepikaharris is offline and will receive your IMs when signing back in.
nickcolevas: i'm sorry, dont have a camera?
Deepikaharris: Yes. Nevertheless, let's just write. Weather is good today. Just had dinner and looking at the political primaries.
nickcolevas: how did you come upon my screenname if you dont mind me asking?
Deepikaharris: I have no idea. I just started writing.
nickcolevas: ah
Deepikaharris: Okay. Today, I didn't have lunch. I had a bad cup of coffee at a diner that everyone likes. I pretended to like the joe. It was the worst.
nickcolevas: where do you live?
nickcolevas: in MD?
Deepikaharris: in Maryland. Where do you live?
nickcolevas: where in MD?
Deepikaharris: St. Mary's County
nickcolevas: is your screenname your real name?
nickcolevas: that name sounds familiar
Deepikaharris: Yes.
nickcolevas: how long have you lived in MD?
Deepikaharris: Over thirty years. What county do you live in?
nickcolevas: oh
nickcolevas: ok
Deepikaharris: You are not very revealing. Where in Maryland do you reside?
nickcolevas: calvert
Deepikaharris: Do you live and work in Calvert County?
nickcolevas: yeah. you? what do you do?
Deepikaharris: I work in St. Mary's County. I am self-employed. Where have you heard my name? --Note the paranoia.
nickcolevas: it just sounds familiar
nickcolevas: you own your own business?
Deepikaharris: Okay. How old are you?
nickcolevas: i asked you about your business first...haha
Deepikaharris: I contract my work. I work my own schedule and have specific deadlines. Do you mind answering the following: 1. Is your name Nicholas? 2. How old are you? 3. what is your occupation? The reason, just for communication purposes and discretion.
nickcolevas: i'm sorry,...maybe i'm just slow
nickcolevas: discretion?
nickcolevas: i'm 27
nickcolevas: and yes my name is nick
Deepikaharris: Thank you. I appreciate your honesty. I'm just looking forward to this internet communication. That's all. I just wanted to get the perameters of whom I was communicating with.
nickcolevas: ok
nickcolevas: how old are you? and what is your actual job? government?
Deepikaharris: I'm over 40. Yes. Local government.
Deepikaharris: Are you employed? Going to school?
nickcolevas: i work
nickcolevas: i don't go to school anymore
Deepikaharris: Well that's nice that you work. Have you completed school or vocational training?
nickcolevas: are you a robot?
nickcolevas: a 40 year old robot?
Deepikaharris: No. Your comment is absurd.
nickcolevas: i don't buy it
nickcolevas: prove to me you're not a robot
nickcolevas: wait a minute...i know who you are i think
nickcolevas: didn't you go to school with my sister?
nickcolevas: where'd you go to high school?
Deepikaharris: Your form of communication is at a diffferent level. What do you mean did I go to school with your sister? What High School did your sister attend?
nickcolevas: i think that's where i remember your name
Deepikaharris: Your last comment is vague. Where do you remember me from?
nickcolevas: are you the chick that got banged on a dirty mattress in back of Calvert high?
nickcolevas: back in 83?
nickcolevas: or are you with the CIA?
nickcolevas: it's one of those two, i'm sure
Deepikaharris: I never went to Calvert high nor on a dirty mattress. You're on the crude side. For a 27 year old, you sound very impish.
nickcolevas: i was just asking is all
nickcolevas: i may be crude but ma'am i am not rude
nickcolevas: my grandmother taught me that lil ditty
nickcolevas: before she killed herself
nickcolevas: :-(
nickcolevas: so do you like cats?
Deepikaharris: I asked the question first. You answer.
Deepikaharris: What is your last name?
nickcolevas: i'm allergic to cats
Deepikaharris: Good.
nickcolevas: it's not good
nickcolevas: it makes my eyes itch and my skin runny
nickcolevas: do you like cats?
Deepikaharris: I'll remember to have a whole litter of cats so you won't come around.
nickcolevas: well that's plenty mean
nickcolevas: i have a question
nickcolevas: where do you stand in the political spectrum?
Deepikaharris: No. You just have a variance of thoughts in trying to remember people. Especially when things aren't true.
nickcolevas: do you like Mike Huckabee?
nickcolevas: i love Mike Huckabee
Deepikaharris: Tell me about him.
nickcolevas: Mike Huckabee is the new Jesus Christ IMO
nickcolevas: do you like Barack Obama?
Deepikaharris: What is IMO?
nickcolevas: in my opinion
nickcolevas: do you like Barack Obama?
Deepikaharris: Thank you for clarifying the IMO. I like his political issues.
nickcolevas: Tell me about him.
Deepikaharris: Read the newspaper and watch the daily newscast.
nickcolevas: don't be coy with me
Deepikaharris: I asked your last name. Who is coy?
nickcolevas: you are coy.
nickcolevas: but not the good kind of coy
nickcolevas: coyote
Deepikaharris: Oh boy.
nickcolevas: yes
nickcolevas: do you have children?
nickcolevas: my last name is Craven
Deepikaharris: Nicholas Craven? Or is there an underlying pun?
nickcolevas: no there is no pun
nickcolevas: that is my name
Deepikaharris: What is colevas mean from nick colevas?
nickcolevas: it's an anagram
Deepikaharris: Please explain.
nickcolevas: you don't know what an anagram is?
nickcolevas: my, the school system has failed you
nickcolevas: my oh my
Deepikaharris: I just ask you to explain how colevas was an anagram. Sorry. I wasn't being specific enough. Now will you please explain.
nickcolevas: listen buddy. if you're going to yell i can't help you
nickcolevas: i can't tell you about the anagram because it's very personal
nickcolevas: i can tell you the first three letters
nickcolevas: Can't
nickcolevas: Openly
nickcolevas: Love
nickcolevas: EVAS are to be kept with me in my heart of hearts
nickcolevas: is your name an anagram?
nickcolevas: Dont
nickcolevas: Eat
nickcolevas: Evil
nickcolevas: Pears
nickcolevas: In
nickcolevas: Kansas
nickcolevas: Ay?
nickcolevas: that was a good guess i made yes?
Deepikaharris: Thank you for sharing your version of the anagram about your name. You lost me when you intended to direct an anagram towards my name. Sooo Sorrry you have a sick mentality.
nickcolevas: me too
nickcolevas: do you have more questions for me?
nickcolevas: this is a nice chat, friend
Deepikaharris: Okay 27 year old. Bye. Gooood luck. I promise to have a lot of cats.
nickcolevas: hey
nickcolevas: don't go
nickcolevas: sorry i was talking to this girl i know
nickcolevas: she's been bugging me about getting her preggers
nickcolevas: SHE was the one who wanted to have sex, you know?
nickcolevas: the nerve of that fucking cunt
nickcolevas: so hey...
nickcolevas: wanna trade pics?
nickcolevas: don't be such a prude

this is for you, my dear.

Time to bust out the backup plan. And you people say I'd never be able to pull it off. If everyone else can do it then by golly so can I. And if life has taught me anything it's that the sky's the limit as long as you're a complete douchebag.

Oh! And when they find my body minus the head (don't worry, this won't be 'til at least my 30th birthday), for the love of all that is holy! somebody please make sure to say "He had fallen from Grace....and Grace was a 300 hundred pound Thai tranny hooker with a knack for snowballing and a yearning to perform self-mutilation whilst watching a donkey fuck a handcuffed priest."

"i should have known all along...
thanks for making me cheap
and thanks for wasting my time"

slow math

92% on outline/presentation, 95% on annotated bibliography.

Woot-woot, motherfuckers! Woot-woot!

All Quiet on the Western Front

In the downtime before the afternoon mail rush, and to counterbalance yesterday's one sentence turd-blog, I thought I'd share this:

"A man cannot realize that above such shattered bodies there are still human faces in which life goes its daily round. And this is only one hospital, one single station; there are hundreds of thousands in Germany, hundreds of thousands in France, hundreds of thousands in Russia. How senseless is everything that can ever be written, done, or thought, when such things are possible. It must be all lies and of no account when the culture of a thousand years could not prevent this stream of blood being poured out. These torture-chambers in their hundreds of thousands. A hospital alone shows what war is.
I am young, I am twenty years old; yet I know nothing of life but despair, death, fear, and fatuous superficiality cast over an abyss of sorrow. I see how peoples are set against one another, and in silence, unknowingly, foolishly, obediently, innocently slay one another. I see that the keenest brains of the world invent weapons and words to make it yet more refined and enduring. And all men of my age, here and over there, throughout the whole world see these things; all my generation is experiencing these things with me. What would our fathers so if we suddenly stood up and came before them and proffered our account? What do they expect of us if a time ever comes when the war is over? Through the years our business has been killing; – it was our first calling in life. Our knowledge of life is limited to death. What will happen afterwards? And what shall come out of us?"

from All Quiet on the Western Front
by Erich Maria Remarque

That's what I meant when I mentioned the novel being insanely depressing.

Oh well...

Oh well. What are you gonna do?

MEH

Shit. It's Friday night; I should be out fucking, drinking, robbing, killing, fighting or stripping (or some combination of the six). Instead I'm reading All Quiet on the Western Front. I mean -- fuck! -- the least I could do would be to read something not depressing...like..I dunno, Power Rangers fan fiction. At least then I'd be entertained.

Maybe I'll just pop in My An Evening With Kevin Smith DVDs.....WAIT! I've got an idea!

I just need a dildo and some rubber cement. Avert your eyes -- this won't be pretty...

Fuck it's purty outside!!

File under "P" for Yeah, Nick's Totally An Emo Pussy:

Ah, spring. Today is the first day of the year it's been warm enough to spend more than ten minutes outside in a t-shirt and shorts so I'm packing up a book, a pen and a pad of paper and heading out to get some reading done. Now if only the ice cream man had his shit together....