amie and the temple of doom

I honestly didn't think I would ever have to say this but...Amie -- oh, Amie....

Amie and I went to see Doubt in Annapolis. About one hour into the movie a lady sat down next to me. I don't know why, but she just plopped down next to me and munched on popcorn. I noticed Amie in my peripheral vision, glaring at the woman -- death stare is what I believe they call it. What happened next was horrifying.

"Hey," Amie said sternly.

"Yeah?" I replied.

"Not you," she said. "Her - hey! Hey bitch!" Amie screamed. "Hey, you fucking bitch!" The woman looked at us. She was frightened, it seemed.

"Y-Yes?" she said, voice trembling.

"Bitch I think you need to get the fuck up! Get your ass up and get away from my man!" Before I could intervene, Amie had hurled her remaining Milk Duds at the woman, which caused the woman to drop her butter-drenched popped corn. "And you're buying me more Milk Duds, you slimy cocksucker!"

"Why do I have to buy you more Milk Duds?!" I inquired in a confused state.

"Not you, dipshit! That bitch!" Amie stood and lunged at the helpless woman, throwing a punch that somehow landed in my crotch. I keeled over as Amie tossed my extra large soda, which somehow also connected with my crotch. Swollen and covered in cola, my testicles resigned themselves to defeat.

"Somebody help me!" the woman screamed, "She's a lunatic!" Amie stopped. Her eyes were bloodshot, her teeth clenched.

"What. Did. You. Say?" In her eyes I saw rage. I saw...Death, Destruction and some other word that starts with 'D.' Amie turned to me, flashing that smile she knows makes my heart skip a beat. 

"Oh, baby. I'm sorry..." I will never forget the kindness - the love! - I saw in her eyes in that moment.  And I will never forget the unmitigated evil that it preceded.

Forgive me, friends, but I cannot bring myself to further describe the events of last night. At best, I can provide a visual mosaic of sorts -- a series of images that best symbolize the dread Amie unleashed upon the innocents. What Amie did was worse than this...

PLUS THIS...

AND PLUS THIS....

COMBINED!!!

Okay now that I think about it, a good description would have been what Amie did was worse than the coolest parts of the first three Indiana Jones movies combined.

And also: None of that actually happened. But I'm pretty sure you knew that already.