break it in! break it off!

I bought a new mattress and box spring thingy. Now which one of you sluts is gonna help me break it in? And by break it in I mean use it as a trampoline...

Wait! What did you say? A SEX trampoline!?

You people need to get your minds out of the gutter.

the potato genocide of 1981

Here it is! Credits and my usual long-windedness (windedness?!) below the video...

The Potato Genocide of 1981: An Educational Video

by: Andy, Jason, Lauren and Nick. Lauren did most of the camera stuff and made Nick's writing sound decent, delivering the line "See you in hell ya ignorant c-suckers!" with tremendous gusto! Jason was the explosives expert, fucked a Mr. Potato Head like a champ and wore a funny hat. Andy did most of the smoking, had a hot wiener thrown at his face and got sexually assaulted but didn't complain. Nick dyed underwear pink and overcooked the hot dogs on purpose.

This started out as a mockery of boring History Channel docs, but I realized the stuff we did just fucking around was more amusing, at least to me. The only parts of this video that were intended to be in the original video were Lauren's parts. Everything else? Outtakes.

Unfortunately, the editing software I use is Pinnacle Studio, a lousy program when it comes to rendering video. It's pretty decent as far as editing goes, at least as far as the cheap stuff goes, but it has trouble rendering the actual video to MPEG or DVD. IT never seems to create a video without having problems. God forbid you try to get fancy with the audio - and by fancy I mean drop out the background music in one freaking spot! Therefore, the sound goes way outta sync in parts. Meh. Whaddya gonna do?

A few things:

1) Even though I look fan-fucking-tastic in pink tighty whities, I need to lose weight. Well, lose weight or give my stomach a nickname along the lines of Mr. Heart Disease or Captain Clog Von Arteries.

2) I need a Mac! I need Final Cut Pro! I need to find me a rich widow willing to spend her money on me. Any takers?

3) The bit where Andy's just sorta standing around and then coughs, I originally wanted to drop the music so you could hear the following exchange

Me: Andrew, come here and give me a hug.
Andy: NO! You're sweaty and hairy!

4) The song is "Checklist" by Big D and the Kids Table. I'm sure it's obvious that the song has actual meaning, whereas our little video does not. Whatevs, cuz...how much ass does that song kick?

5) I like how adding your video to YouTube automatically makes your videos look a little more shitty.

6) Andy and I only smoke for laughs (we look so lame trying to be cool smokers) and as you can clearly see, we made Jason laugh.

So Joe Biden is Barack Obama's VP pick. Meh. Meh? Meh. You all know my pick is and always will be Dennis Kucinich, but that's besides the point.

Look. Here's the thing: Barack Obama and Joe Biden won't put a stop to all the problems this country has, but at least we'd be making a shift in the right direction. I abhor this two-party system, this red state/blue state bullshit that's tearing the country apart, this...but what we need are people that will begin to undo the damage of the Bush Administration, and I'm hoping an Obama/Biden White House can provide the atmosphere needed for people like Kucinch, Chris Dodd, Keith Ellison, Ron Paul, Bernie Sanders, Henry Waxman, Charlie Rangel and other progressive folks to make some change.

I hope. This comment makes me somewhat hopeful.

sometimes i just don't know

Question: So, a man sits down to pee and that makes him a sissy. That same man stands up to take a shit. This means he's the biggest, baddest man that ever lived, correct?

Correct! Congratulations to me for figuring this out. Now we can rest easy.

In other - less important? - news, the Potato Genocide of 1981 movie is now going to be a music video that has very little to do with potatoes and absolutely nothing to do with genocide. It's basically gonna be two minutes of us making fools of ourselves.

Still, it's great.

symmetry, somewhat: the queso matrix

I swear, I promise!

Once upon a time I had an original thought. If anybody wants to look for it....it's somewhere between the first shot of whiskey and the last shot of queso. Literally. A few hours ago I took a shot of whiskey, right now I'm searching for a thought that will explain everything, and in a few moments I'm going to slam a tortilla in some cheese. Somewhere along the line I've had a thought that meant something. I could go on, but I'm choosing not to because I don't want people to feel uncomfortable.

I cheese! I queso!

Symmetry. Somewhat.

I fought The Law (and The Law was a hemophiliac)

A bunch of us got together to shoot "interviews" for the documentary about the Potato Genocide of 1981. It was a good time. It'll take me a while to put the piece together, mostly because there's still a lot left to shoot. Still, I'm gonna slap together a few random clips, call it a teaser trailer, and post it here later today. Hopefully.

Anywho, on one of the tapes was footage from about three years ago. It was part of a larger movie titled The Bad Death of Sheriff Dusty Pickle. If you feel like pointing out that you can see the hose, kindly note that was part of the joke. There was a another scene where Jason's Russian character was beaten to death with a baseball bat. Good times, good times.

Oh, and we also used brown and yellow colored paints to make Sheriff Dusty Pickle get shit and pissed on after he was dead.

Yup. Our crew rolls classy and don't you forget it.

potatoes and ethnic cleansing

I saw a terrific movie Wednesday. It was about the potato genocide of 1914. I forget the name of it, but it was terrific. It's a documentary. Sorta like a History Channel doc, it's part interviews with persons and potato products who were alive during the genocide and part dramatic recreations. The filmmaking style - oh, how do I put this? - is sorta mashed up.

I hear laughter. Why is that? There's nothing funny about potatoes being summarily executed and tossed into shallow graves....I tell ya, those hash-and-burn tactics of the perpetrators of this heinous crime (the Swedes, of course! Fucking fascists) are quite...nevermind. A side note: someone I know asked me not to mention her by name (so I won't) but she laughed out loud during one scene that saw a herd of taters being gunned down as they fled across an open field. That girl has no class, I say! No class!

(Yes. They come in herds.)

I'm hoping it wins the coveted potato and ethnic cleansing category at Cannes. Every year that category churns out winners, but you butter believe this one will have everyone in the house frying their eyes out. And you know, even though the movie has it's sad moments, it really is sweet in spots. No seriously. Don't be a tater -- go see this movie!

After this blog I have but two questions.

One, who wants to fill a Mr. Potato Head with fake blood and then shoot it? And two, where is my fucking Pulitzer Prize for Literature?

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From last night's happy hour...

Waiting for food.



I'm fucking adorable sometimes.



I was trying for sexy and failed miserably.



Drinking girly drinks for cheap laughs is amusing to me.

it's like two dicks...er, blogs...in one!!

Ya know what's funny? I've liked the Brewers since I was a kid. For the longest time I was "Straight Edge" (Shut up, Heather) and the Brewers sucked. Two years ago I "broke my edge" and the Brewers are good. Point being? If you are Straight Edge you are a loser.

Unfortunately it takes me being a drinker to make the Brewers a pretty good team. Which means it would take me being a coke addict to get them to the World Series. So the question is...who's gonna hook me and the Brew Crew up with some magic so I can fly to Milwaukee and see a World Series game?

I'll have to overdose to see them win the Series...FUCK!

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I went to Milwaukee Friday and saw a Brewers game. If you think I'm gonna waste my time talking about how great it was you can all just hold your breath until you die. Why? Because. That's why.

Thursday night I was watching TV and saw a commercial for some new joint pain medicine. The ad went through the usual spiel about not taking it with other medications, but this one caught my attention because it noted that you should not take it if you have HIV. Now, I'm no doctor and I'm sure as shit not Freddie Mercury, and maybe I'm just ignorant, but...if you have HIV are you really worried about joint pain?

The Brewers game was awesome. The batteries in my camera died in the top half of the first inning. It was a long shot but I asked a vendor if anyone in the park sold AA batteries. Most people would simply say, "Aw, sorry. No." But this guy -- this fucking nerdlinger -- says, "Ohhh, no! If we sold batteries they'd end up all over the field."

News flash: I can be a total dick sometimes. It doesn't happen often, but sometimes a nerve is struck and I just turn into a bit of a dick. So he says this -- ALL OVER THE FIELD!! Really? REALLY?! And so I sez...

"That doesn't make any sense." A beat. I let this settle in. "If people were gonna throw batteries on the field. They'd be dead batteries. Like the ones in my camera."

Okay, so I could have been a much bigger dick. I swear I wouldn't have been so shitty if Miller Park wasn't selling plain ol' t-shirts for forty bucks a pop. All I wanted was a shirt with this logo on it:



Hey, you wanna know how fucking cool that logo is? To find an image you just have to search for ball and glove logo. I'm not gonna get all baseball nerdy but FUCK! That logo rules. More people wore shirts with that logo than the new logo. The Brew Crew should go old school...

I'm a nerd. I love it.

who do i have to fuck?

My mattress is now a U-shape. The past three mornings I've gotten up and felt the pain from my neck all the way down to the base of my spine. Today I woke up with the extra surprise of my knee throbbing for some unknown god damned reason.

Hey! Since your mom knows so much about so many different mattresses you think she could help me pick one out? I mean, I know she doesn't really sleep on them but I figure who else would better know which mattress has the best spring? How is your mom, by the way? Last time I talked to her she had a penis in her mouth (not mine) and another lady's mouth on her hoo-hoo (that's a vagina, ma'am). All three of them were making funny noises.

No seriously. I need a new mattress. Who do I have to fuck to get one?

I'm off to work. Get your minds out of the gutter.

a little treat before work

Technically it's 9:03 am and I could be fired for fucking around on the job, but I think it is far more important to share the red-band trailer for Tropic Thunder with everyone. Enjoy!!

I want a Flintstones orange push-up pop! NOW!

"if they move...kill em."

An announcement!
Now pay attention, ya cocksuckers!!

Andy Craven (aka The Slayer of Telephone Poles) and I have a new project! It's relatively exciting. No, no...don't worry. We're gonna finish this one. Promise.

It's called The Deposed Kings of New Mexico. I'm describing it as a noir-western-action with a liberal dose of historical/political commentary. The plot, which I won't divulge right now, is purposefully pulpy and...out there. Think Peckinpah's The Wild Bunch having it's way with the noir of John Huston, then watch them both get reamed in the ass by Kihachi Okamoto's Sword of Doom.

Nazi fuckheads. Cowboys. Knife fights. Indians that aren't portrayed as godless savages. Gun fights. Explosions. Godless Christian mercenaries.* Kidnappings. Maybe a samurai, maybe ten. More explosions. A man named Alexander Hamilton who takes pleasure in fucking shit up.

That's about it. So far. Sure, it sounds sorta...crazy? But this is the first time in a while I've been really into getting a new project off the ground -- and not running old ones into the ground.

The beer at DuClaw sucks. I know this now.

Thank you baby Jesus.

*Christian mercenaries do exist.