the war on terror...and other things that are funny

Two items: 

1) I love Amie. If you have a problem with that, you might want to a) deal or b) deal.

2) One of my final projects for a technology class this semester is a power point presentation on the War On Terror. According to the rubric I need a catchy title. Now, set aside the fact that a professor has assigned a blanket "catchy title" requirement for presentations for social issues  -- approved topics include: domestic violence, the Iraq War, nuclear disarmament, home forclosures and illegal immigration. 

Or, as I'd title them (respectively): "I Fell Down the Stairs:Domestic Violence As It Relates to Transportation to the Second Floor," "Mission Accomplished: Did You See Dubya In That Air Force Suit? Totally Fuckable!," "Get Your Uranium Out of My Peanut Butter Or I'll Improvise Some Sort of Explosive Device and Detonate It in a Neighboring Country," "Thw Wealthy ARe Fucking Perfect, Right?" and, finally, "Honey, Did We Pay That Mexican To Pull Up Our Rose Garden, or Should I Call The Cops?"

Bottom line: A "catchy" title requirement is elementary school horseshit; sometimes "catchy" doesn't quite cut it for...oh, you know, a serious issue. So....Anyone have ideas for "catchy" titles? Here's what I have so far:

--He chose...poorly: George W. Bush and the Last Crusade

--"We're gonna kick their sorry asses all over the desert!!"

-- Mother Fucker! This is a War On -- Wait, What?! They're in Afghanistan?! Oh, fuck!

--Clusterfuck: United States and the Middle East

-- The War on Terror: 2001 to meh...whenever...

-- Hey...'Member When We Thought Russia Was a Problem?!

--Oopsies Poopsies: The Al-Qaeda Story

-- (D-List Celebrity) Says You Guy Done Fucked Up..Whaddya Gotta Say 'Bout That, HM!?

--Bin Laden?! More like Been Hidin'!

--I Only Killed the Dog Because I Thought You Said War On Terriers!

And finally...

--What Dumbass Thinks You Can Fit Such a Complicated Fucking Social Issue Into Nine Slides? No One Except Reneee Jenkins, That's Who!! 

No, seriously. I already have a title. So I just wasted your time.

Yay, me!

3) I love you, Amie.

oh wait

Gee, I sure am glad Tom Cruise adopted a German accent for Valkyrie. You know, since he plays a German it's important for him to affect a German accent. So it's good he has a nice German accent in his new movie.

Oh wait.

a penchant for talking about absolutely nothing

My blog promised me it would behave itself and not act all sappy and romantic today, so lets hope it keeps it's -- ah, shit! Who am I kidding?! It's not my blog's fault. Shame on me for trying to pin the blame on a series of HTML thingamajiggies! Shame on me! I promised myself I wouldn't be all sappy and romantic today. So here goes:

Um...is it weird to have dreams where you fuck cartoons? Because I've had no less than fifty dreams about fucking Homer Simpson in the last month.....

That's right! That's almost two Homer-fucking dreams a night for the last month.

I mean, that's like...that's normal, right? Dreaming about fucking cartoons? That's - that's - that's - um....

*AHEM*

P.S. Yes, I am fully aware of my penchant for promising to post blogs I never post. But you know what else I have a penchant for? I have a penchant for using the word penchant when I could really go without using penchant. But you know, when you have a penchant for something why not flaunt that penchant when said penchant can get you tons of penchant - more penchant than a penchant expert could get you in one year of penchant hunting using a penchant hunting machine that is specifically designed to track rogue penchant with the ferocity of a rabid penchant who lost his penchant when he/she was just a small penchant....

Huh?

P.P.S. Yes. I am fully aware that my postscript is almost as long as the original blog. Eat it.

*AHEM*

Well, if you'll excuse me, I have a short story to write.

break it in! break it off!

I bought a new mattress and box spring thingy. Now which one of you sluts is gonna help me break it in? And by break it in I mean use it as a trampoline...

Wait! What did you say? A SEX trampoline!?

You people need to get your minds out of the gutter.

symmetry, somewhat: the queso matrix

I swear, I promise!

Once upon a time I had an original thought. If anybody wants to look for it....it's somewhere between the first shot of whiskey and the last shot of queso. Literally. A few hours ago I took a shot of whiskey, right now I'm searching for a thought that will explain everything, and in a few moments I'm going to slam a tortilla in some cheese. Somewhere along the line I've had a thought that meant something. I could go on, but I'm choosing not to because I don't want people to feel uncomfortable.

I cheese! I queso!

Symmetry. Somewhat.

it's like two dicks...er, blogs...in one!!

Ya know what's funny? I've liked the Brewers since I was a kid. For the longest time I was "Straight Edge" (Shut up, Heather) and the Brewers sucked. Two years ago I "broke my edge" and the Brewers are good. Point being? If you are Straight Edge you are a loser.

Unfortunately it takes me being a drinker to make the Brewers a pretty good team. Which means it would take me being a coke addict to get them to the World Series. So the question is...who's gonna hook me and the Brew Crew up with some magic so I can fly to Milwaukee and see a World Series game?

I'll have to overdose to see them win the Series...FUCK!

------

I went to Milwaukee Friday and saw a Brewers game. If you think I'm gonna waste my time talking about how great it was you can all just hold your breath until you die. Why? Because. That's why.

Thursday night I was watching TV and saw a commercial for some new joint pain medicine. The ad went through the usual spiel about not taking it with other medications, but this one caught my attention because it noted that you should not take it if you have HIV. Now, I'm no doctor and I'm sure as shit not Freddie Mercury, and maybe I'm just ignorant, but...if you have HIV are you really worried about joint pain?

The Brewers game was awesome. The batteries in my camera died in the top half of the first inning. It was a long shot but I asked a vendor if anyone in the park sold AA batteries. Most people would simply say, "Aw, sorry. No." But this guy -- this fucking nerdlinger -- says, "Ohhh, no! If we sold batteries they'd end up all over the field."

News flash: I can be a total dick sometimes. It doesn't happen often, but sometimes a nerve is struck and I just turn into a bit of a dick. So he says this -- ALL OVER THE FIELD!! Really? REALLY?! And so I sez...

"That doesn't make any sense." A beat. I let this settle in. "If people were gonna throw batteries on the field. They'd be dead batteries. Like the ones in my camera."

Okay, so I could have been a much bigger dick. I swear I wouldn't have been so shitty if Miller Park wasn't selling plain ol' t-shirts for forty bucks a pop. All I wanted was a shirt with this logo on it:



Hey, you wanna know how fucking cool that logo is? To find an image you just have to search for ball and glove logo. I'm not gonna get all baseball nerdy but FUCK! That logo rules. More people wore shirts with that logo than the new logo. The Brew Crew should go old school...

I'm a nerd. I love it.

who do i have to fuck?

My mattress is now a U-shape. The past three mornings I've gotten up and felt the pain from my neck all the way down to the base of my spine. Today I woke up with the extra surprise of my knee throbbing for some unknown god damned reason.

Hey! Since your mom knows so much about so many different mattresses you think she could help me pick one out? I mean, I know she doesn't really sleep on them but I figure who else would better know which mattress has the best spring? How is your mom, by the way? Last time I talked to her she had a penis in her mouth (not mine) and another lady's mouth on her hoo-hoo (that's a vagina, ma'am). All three of them were making funny noises.

No seriously. I need a new mattress. Who do I have to fuck to get one?

I'm off to work. Get your minds out of the gutter.