More than in years past, I’ve felt the need to make and keep some resolutions in 2009. I’ve always been one to make them and keep them private. Perhaps that's why I never manage to keep them -- if people don’t know how I’m trying to improve my life then how can they keep me honest? So here we go with my resolutions of 2009.
Resolution #1:
Watch Rio Bravo, The Wild Bunch and Once Upon A Time in the West a combined 100 times.
Crap. That means I’ll have to forego this year’s trips to the Gilmore Girls Gabfest (March 13 - 15), Fraggle Rock Fiasco (June 23 - 26), and the Full House House Party (July 6-27).
Resolution #2:
Finish the first volume on my history of the American Old West, The Adventures of Giant ‘Stache and Lil Dick: Pat Garrett, Billy the Kid, and the Feud That Shaped A Nation.
In 1998, the Council of Worldwide Historians released their list of the greatest rivalries in history. At the top of the list: the insanely erotic fuckfest that was Baldwin IV and Saladin. Number two? Yup....giant beards and little dicks. So don’t you try and tell me no one’s gonna buy my book....MOM!
Resolution #3:
Make reference to the Pony Express at least once a day.
Ladies and gentlemen, I’ll be damned if there is no greater reason to defer to our government where the delivery of mail via ponies is to be implemented, and I think it would be downright un-American to let the youth of America forget about the Pony Express. Let them smoke crack and have abortions and robe their grandmothers all they want, but don't you dare let them forget about the Pony Express.
Resolution #4:
Write more D.C./Marvel Universe Comic Book Rape Fantasy Fan Fiction.
Why? Because nothing says erotic like The Joker sucking off a Puerto Rican tranny while Solomon Grundy and Killer Croc go two-dicks-in-one-hole on Jason Todd. Some excerpts from my current DC/MUCBRFFF:
"...as his rock hard cock entered Bruce Banner's tight asshole, Thor knew his window of opportunity was short. In due time Banner would turn into the Hulk, and with that the Norse God's hammer would be crushed between the bright green buttocks of a green monster with retard strength. He thrust hard and fast. He dug his nails into Banners ass cheeks, which were now turning a pale green. With a sweeping motion, Thor reached behind him, grasped the handle of Mjollnir, and brought the heavy stone on Banner's skull...."
"Matt Murdock -- known to the inhabitants of Hell's Kitchen as Daredevil -- was blind, but he damn well knew what Captain America pistol-whipping and anally assaulting an unsuspecting Johnny Storm would look like. And what he heard definitely seemed like Captain America had just anally assaulted the young man known as The Human Torch...."
"...The Boy Wonder's sphincter locked up like a crocodile's jaw the moment Solomon Grundy blasted his hulking, gray load into the sidekick's freckled ass..."
"He didn't know it at the time, but the moment Alfred's fatal stroke occurred was the exact moment The Man of Steel had ejaculated into the butler's mouth. Bruce Wayne would never know that his best friend had put an end to the old man's life in one thrust of Kryptonian penile force."
Resolution #5:
Grow a giant beard.
Because I fucking can, that's why.
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And that’s it! I know it doesn’t seem like much, but I’ve chosen to aim low this year so I won’t be disappointed in myself. Like last year with the whole become-the-first-black-President thing. Damn you, Barack Obama! Damn you!!
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