the ghost of jack shephard's beard

(i didn't photoshop this, someone else did)

AHEM:

I would like to note that this time last year I went to see Cloverfield with Andy, Jason and Lauren. A trailer for the fourth season of LOST ran before the feature. I can safely say that, at that time, I could look forward to one major event: the season premiere of LOST. I hate to say it, but hard as I try I just couldn't find a reason to get excited about life other than upcoming movies - hell, i even wrote a blog about this later in the year!

I didn't know it at the time, but the future held something quite significant for me.

LOST is a lil sumthin' like that.

Just reconsider. You might find something significant.

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I've decided I'm going to do some "live" blogging tonight while I watch the LOST Season Five premiere. I wasn't planning on watching it tonight...but we all know I can't say "no" to two things: Chipolte and LOST. So hello six steak burritos and LOST!

8:58 P.M.

Everybody fucking shut up. Shut up!  Fucking everyone SHUT UP!! SHUT UP!! FUCKING SHUT UP!!

LOST is on. Thankyoukthnxbye.

9:13 P.M. (a.k.a. Bonertime)

In case you didn't know...THIS SHOW IS FUCKING AWESOME!!

I have a crush on Daniel Farraday. But it's okay because Daniel Farraday's a fictional character...but I can't be perfectly sure when I say I also have a crush on the actor who portrays Daniel Farraday. 

Fuck. I. Am. Gay.

(For this show.)

9:32 P.M.

FLASHBACKS!?! I don't know! Time travel? I don't frrrrreeeeeaking know!!

LOST + blood flow/medication = boner; still strong.

Everybody Hates Hugo: "You know, maybe if you ate more comfort food you wouldn't have to go around shooting people." I still love you, Hugo.

Also: Death by knives in dishwasher. Awesome.

Okay; time to catch my breath and caaaaaaaatch - okay it's on again!

9:43 P.M.

"When....am I?"

"Well, John. That's all relative."

Oh my fuck. I think my cock is exploding. What are the symptoms for Exploding Cock? Seriously. I hear this show is awesome when you're high, so I think I wanna be really high when I watch the series finale. Any of you assholes know where I can score some smack?

9:54 P.M.

Is that you, brother?

Wait!!

How you you write "brother" with a Scottish accent? I tried brutha, brotha, brutter, bruther, beruttha. And then I started slapping some apostrophes in that sumbitch, ending up with br'utha, bruth'r, bruth'a and broth'r.

And then I just typed brother...

...because fuck Desmond Hume. He's Scottish. So he doesn't count.

10:01 P.M.

I know ABC likes to show back-to-back episodes of LOST to begin and end the season, but I'd implore those in charge to put a halt to this tradition, mostly because I can only stroke for so long before it starts to bruise.

10:16  P.M.

I've often been accused of being rash when I murder people who say of LOST:  "I don't watch that show. It's just not believable." I know, I know. Murder is, like, bad...and stuff. But when people follow up that statement with, "Have you ever seen Grey's Anatomy?" I feel justified in my slaughter of otherwise innocent civilians.

10:36 P.M.

"Why is there a dead Pakistani on my couch?"

That quote is not from Dick Cheney. Promise.

10:48 P.M. 

"I don't understand you. But I believe you."

I know everyone shits on this show for being "unrealistic," but two things:

1) It's fiction. No shit it's unrealistic and, 

2) If you want to understand how to bring realism to an insanely "unrealistic" show, look no further than Jorge Garcia's performance in that last scene of his.

11:02

Dude. No one has ever made me more proud to have lived in Maryland than Terry O'Quinn.  

F. Scott Fitzgerald is buried in Maryland. Dashiell Hammett is from Baltimore. Frederick Douglass and Harriett Tubman...ohhhh-kay, Terry O'Quinn is a distant third in the people that make me proud to be from Maryland people. Damn you, civil rights! Damn you!

In conclusion:

I mean...FUCK! What else is keeping you people from dry humping this show?!!

Plane crashes, explosions, double-crosses, genocide, God, smoke monsters, ghosts, Destiny, time travel,  conspiracy theories, evil corporations, the best Nirvana song ever, giant effing beards, guns, yakuza, Terry "Third Best Marylander Ever" O'Quinn, polar bears, and the end of mankind (possibly!!)

How many shows could you list the end of mankind and polar bears consecutively? 

Only one.

I just made a mess in my pants.

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Amidst the jokes...

JUST RECONSIDER.