Please don't kill me.
I'm gonna start republishing old Myspace blogs on occassion. Why? 'Cuz I'm lazy, for one. But also because I was reading through them and a few of them made me chuckle. Usually it's six minutes before I think something I wrote is complete shit, but there are exceptions. This is one. I think it's from late 2006.
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When I was a child, I once asked my father what his worst nightmare as a cop was. He spoke of thieves, rapists and murderers...but never vampires in the Old West! And you know what that makes my dad?
A LIAR!!! See for yourself!
(I can't find the scan of the original article, so I've substituted with a book cover. Awesome.)
WHAT?!
"Hey! I got an idea for a book! A cop goes back in time to fight vampires in the Old West!"
Since when did it become okay to use your high concept premise as the title of your book? And where's the software upgrade that prevents actual execution of such absurd ideas?
Oh, and by the way, Borelli, I'm on to you! Your plot is basically Terminator 2 if you replace robots with vampires and Skynet with a vampire running for mayor. Shame, shame I know your name.
And does anyone else find it amusing that the vampire if running for Mayor and not – you know – higher office? I know if I was a vampire I'd run for Sheriff so I could hire other vampires as lawmen and we'd take over he world with guns. Let’s face it: no real revolution ever accomplished something through legislation. I mean, maybe a vampire President could enact some anti-human legislation but a mayor? Not a chance.
From here on out every project I ever create will be titled according to their concept:
+ TALKING CHINESE BANANA AND THE WACKY ADVENTURES OF HIS FRIENDS: AN EPISODIC CARTOON BANANA BONANZA
+ THE LOST BIBLE TALE: THE CUCKOO DOCTOR MAKES BIGFOOT FRANKENSTEIN AND CHASES THE BANK ROBBERS AROUND AND I THINK THERE WAS SOMETHING ABOUT GOBLINS BUT I REMOVED THAT IN AN EARLIER DRAFT
+ THE GUY AND THE GIRL LIKE EACH OTHER BUT IN THE END NOT SO MUCH: A STORY OF PUDDING, FRIENDSHIP AND PUNCHING PEOPLE IN THE BUTTS
+THE REGULAR PERSON'S NIGHTMARE: A MAN SUFFERS A RELAPSE OF HIS VIOLENT PAST AND FIGHTS TO KEEP HIS FAMILY INTACT AND ALSO THERE ARE GHOSTS AND ONE OF THE GHOSTS HAS A BEARD AND THINK HIS NAME IS ARTIE
+ THE END OF THE WORLD: WE'RE TOTALLY RIPPING OFF FERNGULLY IN THIS MOTHERFUCKER
+ THE FILM NOIR MOVIE: A FILM NOIR MOVIE
+ REVOLUTION TV SHOW: A TV SHOW ABOUT A REVOLUTION IN AT LEAST 100 HOUR-LONG EPISODES SO WE CAN MAKE MONEY IN SYNDICATION
+ JAPANESE COWBOY VERSUS NAZIS: A STATEMENT ON RACE IN AMERICA MIXED WITH WESTERN AND NOIR ELEMENTS AND CONTAINING MANY EXPLOSIONS AND SHOOTOUTS AND SOME ROMANCE IF POSSIBLE
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I googled "Frank Borelli" and found a link to his official website, where I discovered that his A Cop's Nightmare novels are just the first two parts in a six part cycle. Here they are, with a short synopsis of each in case anyone is interested:
A COP'S NIGHTMARE 3: VAMPIRES IN THE MOVIE FIEVEL GOES WEST
The world is turned upside down when Morgan Blackwell is sucked into a worm hole and comes out in a world populated with Disney characters. But there’s something terribly wrong here: all the characters are the sweet, loveable Disney characters we all know - but they are at the mercy of the worst of our reality. This is a world where the dogs in All Dogs Go To Heaven are euthanized and The Great Mouse Detective investigates the murder of Pinocchio who was found face down in gutter outside of a nudie bar -- hogtied and castrated – and Jiminy Cricket is the prime suspect. Meanwhile, Chuck Bendetti watches Who Framed Roger Rabbit frame-by-frame looking for the part where you're supposed to be able to see Jessica Rabbit's boobie.
A COP'S NIGHTMARE 4: THE NECROMANCER FOLLIES
In the fourth installment of the series, Chuck Bendetti and Morgan Blackwell meet their match when they encounter a Necromancer who has the ability to transpose human beings into living interpretations of their last names. Sort of. The Necromancer turns Blackwell into an oil derrick and Bendetti into a limber dancer named Eddie. When the two men discover Bendetti was adopted and his real last name is actually Necrodancer, they trick the Necromancer into making a deal: they are to be freed if they beat him in a dance contest. The Necromancer agrees and everyone dances the night away. Bendetti wins when the Necromancer passes out during the dance version of Ace of Base's All That She Wants.
A COP'S NIGHTMARE 5: CONQUISTADOR’S LAMENT
Chuck Bendetti and Morgan Blackwell meet their other match when they take a wrong turn...into HELL!! And what do they discover but the brooding demon we once called Hernán Cortés! Holy jumpin’ Jupiter dancin’ on the Rings of Saturn, those two are in for it now!! Or are they? Turns out Cortez is looking for revenge on his evil adversary, the dastardly abolitionist John Brown! Ooooooh, Browny yer in for it now ya Calvinist fuck! The three allies go toe-to-toe with their bearded foe, a battle which culminates at the top of the Washington Monument.
A COP'S NIGHTMARE 6: THE GHOST OF NABOKOV
In the final installment of Frank Borelli's series Stephen King stars as Frank Borelli who is in actuality the reincarnated spirit of born-again supahstah Kirk Cameron. Cameron chases Bendetti, Blackwell and King/Borelli across the desert in a chariot made of old TV Guides and Tiger Beats. But Cameron soon befriends them because Satan's minion, Humphrey Bogart, has taken Boner hostage and threatens to kill him if Growing Pains isn't released on DVD. In the explosive final confrontation in the middle of Vatican City, God appears to all in his glorious light and proclaims: "Wait, wait! What'd you say?"
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So that's flashback number one. Hope you enjoyed it.
P.S. Who here thinks my favorite part of that enitre blog was my ability to remember Cortez' first name? Or the keen pop culture references? Or showing the rare fortitude to actually stay on message? Guess what? None of the above. To me, the greatest accomplishment of that blog - and, just maybe, my greatest accomplishment and the high point of my life - is the line Holy jumpin’ Jupiter dancin’ on the Rings of Saturn.
Genius, I tells ya! Genius!
