miss ya, kid

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sQC9KMEKhbI

Times like these? I really miss one Jordan Feder....

Fuck!

 I'm gonna cry!

Nerd stuff. Serial Killer stuff. You know, the usual.

Which do you think will happen first...

The whole Han Solo shot first debacle is settled or;

The Zodiac Killer case is solved.

This is what you get when you watch Star Wars and Fincher's Zodiac back-to-back.

Also: Han shot first. BOOM!...ish. Boom-ish....

This is stupid.

how to drown a bottle of Mr. Bubble

How to drown a bottle of Mr. Bubble:

1) Buy a bottle of Mr. Bubble bubble bath.

2) Go home. Get comfortable. Draw a bath.

3) Pour the entire bottle of Mr. Bubble into the bathtub.

4) Get into the bath. Have LOTS of fun in the bubble bath.

5) Get out of the tub, grab the empty bottle of Mr. Bubble from the trash can (because who needed the Mr. Bubble bottle until now, correct?)

6) Get back into the tub, being careful not to slip.

7) Submerge the empty bottle of Mr. Bubble.

8) Squeeze until those fucking bubbles stop.

9) Release.

10) Squeeze one more time (remember to taunt the Mr. Bubble bottle about its lack of bubbles) 

 11) Release.

12) Screw on cap to submerged (and terrifically bubble-less!) Mr. Bubble bottle.

13) Drain tub. 

14) Laugh maniacally. 

On Easter: An Essay by Baxter Stockman

It’s that time of year, you know?

It’s that special time, that wonderful season! It’s the greatest time of the year.

In the midst of Spring, with Summer in bloom! You can smell the freshly cut grass on Saturday afternoons, you can roll down your windows for Sunday drives through the countryside! Atop the hill in the center of town, the Son of God gets the cum whipped out of him before he gets nailed to a cross and hung out to dry! Flowers have begun to blossom and every tree on God’s green earth is full of life!

It’s all quite remarkable, yes? And yet I feel as if many of you who ruin this special time. I am, of course, referring to the same folks who ignorantly protest,Just what does a jolly fat man in a red suit have to do with the birth of Christ?! I will save that argument for another day. However….

For those who ask, What does a giant, egg-laying bunny have to do with Jesus, I say this: study the scriptures. It’s all in there. I don’t know where, but it’s in there.

Dude, look: God had one son, and his name was Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ died on the cross for our sins. And that’s where God put all of his eggs! He put all of those eggs in that blood soaked basket! For us! And now every year we stop biting our fingernails for a couple months! So it works out, yes?

They were soft-boiled eggs, btw.

Oops.

Mortal Kombat, translated.

Holy hell, this cracked me up.



(via: TheAwesomer)

Community? Or Parks and Recreation?

WATCH THESE PROGRAMS!
Community
Parks and Recreation
                                                                ------------------
My successes. My failings. My handsomeness. My smallish/medium...ish babymakingrod. Of these things, I am sure. All of them. However, there is one thing of which I am not quite certain: what is the best comedy show on television, currently?
Ahem....
                                                               -------------------


Here is what every Thursday night is like for me:


8:31 PM - Oh, hell yeah! Community is by far the best comedy on TV!

10:01 PM: Oh, hell yeah! Parks and Recreation is by far the best comedy on TV!

10:02 PM: Both of those shows suck! Why do they insist on making me wait another week to break this Stalemate of Hilarity...which hath lasted for going on two years!


HOW CAN YOU NOT SEE WHAT THESE SHOWS ARE DOING TO ME!!

I hate you Community and Parks and Recreation!
Forever!

Review: House of the Devil

I really wanted to edit this review of House of the Devil, but between school and all my other interests I know that I'll never get around to revising. Not that it's a bad review, but...you know. Anywho, here are my thoughts on Ti West's House of the Devil.

---------------

HOUSE OF THE DEVIL (2009)

House of the Devil is not a bad film. Far from it, in fact. I can honestly say that I can’t point to one element of the film that isn’t, at the very least, acceptable. Among the excellent elements of the film are the cinematography and overall production design, which together form the strongest element of the film: the look and feel of a cult film from the 1970’s/early 1980’s. Any and all elements of the design giver this film the look reminiscent of the later films of Lucio Fulci and others (but mostly Fulci…and only if Fulci’s flicks weren’t so horribly dubbed into English).

Director Ti West utilizes main elements of horror films from the era. For starters, the film is bookended with the classic still frame credits, splashed across the screen in a ghastly font in an ultra-icky color. The score reminds one of the old Argento zombie flicks. 

An example of the elements of which I'm speaking? Early in the film our protagonist, Samantha, strolls through her college campus. West utilizes one of the more recognizable elements from a film shot in the 70s (and not just horror films): the swift zoom. The scene begins in a wide shot, with Samantha as our focus, at which point we zoom out into a wide shot. Samantha moves out of frame, only to reappear within frame moments later – in focus - to stop at a bulletin board.  We do not know it yet, but from this board Samantha snags the advertisement that seals her fate.  It’s a nice little touch. Most directors would have used that quick zoom to a Wide and made a cut to Samantha at the bulletin board, but West stays with it. But still, it’s just a remnant of cinema past.

Throughout the film West does this: Exterior handheld shots leering through the windows of the house, watching Samantha’s every move. We get extreme close-ups of mouths screaming in terror, and more extreme close-ups of eyes peering back and forth, looking for the source of noises within the dark. Darkened hallways and staircases shot at canted angles. The shots are chosen well, and nicely composed. West’s cuts (aside from writing and directing, he also served as an editor) are proficient. This is a well-made film if we’re working from a textbook.

But in the end that’s all there really is with this picture. Ti West is more than capable as a director. In fact, I can safely say I think he could do a damn fine job with more original material.

And there’s the problem. West’s story just isn’t that original. That being said, originality is not my problem with House of the Devil. I’ve seen a fair share of Satanic cult films from the 70’s and 80’s, and most of them share numerous story and film elements. The problem is that those films…were made in the 1970’s and 1980’s. House of the Devil was produced in 2009; the aforementioned terrific design elements of the film only serve to disguise that fact that this is just another bloody film about a Satanic cult terrorizing a (possibly) virginal female.

The cult flicks from that era carry with them through the years a particular charm, (mostly nostalgia, when you think about it) because the film stock was grainy – but only because a grainy stock was all a production could afford. I’m fairly certain filmmakers in the 70’s didn’t shoot on 16mm because they wanted to give it the look of a film from 1890’s. (need to phrase this better) If House of the Devil was shot digitally (or even on 35mm) and set in 2009, we’d still be talking about a mediocre story executed competently.

To draw a comparison, take Matt Reeves’ Let Me In (2010). The film is set in the Reagan-era 80s (198- to be exact), and the production design reflects this. But the Reagan era is not the main character of the film. Reeves did not choose his shots based on what a film from that year would have, he chose his shots based on the needs of the story. The same goes for the cinematography. The light, the colors…they all reflect the themes of the film, the tone of the story. Likewise, the main characters of Let Me In are Owen, Abby and The Father, not the year 1983. The main character in House of the Devil is 1974, 1983, or any given year between them. Samantha may be our protagonist, but a specific period of time – a style of film relegated to pre-1982 World Champion Baltimore Oriole’s - is the main character of House of the Devil.

And the story! Oh, the story!

Samantha’s fate is meant to shock, but it simply doesn’t. The penultimate scene in the graveyard doesn’t carry the “oh, sh*t!” final moments of The Omen. And the final scene – where we are given one last “twist” – doesn’t have the disconcerting undertones of a film such as The Sentinel. Those films had something at stake in the final moments. In House of the Devil we get nothing more than, oh yeah and this is why we tied you up to a pentagram and had a demon rub blood all over your creamy, sexy belly. Now can you please accept your fate? Sheesh!

House of the Devil is not a bad film. Not by a long shot. It’s just…well, too much of the production is geared toward being something it’s not. This film could have been so much better if it wasn’t attempting to be something it could never be.

You know, until time machines become available. Then Ti West would be right at home, waiting for Tom Noonan to be all creepy and stuff.

I give it a C-.

Peter Travers: Dummy

Peter Travers writes that The Social Network should win the Academy Award for best picture. This is probably because he’s an idiot. Here’s my rundown of the Best Picture nominees.

10 The Kids Are All Right (I didn’t think this flick was any good, btw)

9 The Social Network

8 The King’s Speech

7 127 Hours

6 True Grit

5 Inception

4 Toy Story 3

3 Black Swan

2 The Fighter

1 Winter’s Bone

We all know I’m in the tank for Fincher, right? The Social Network was terrific. I loved it. But of the ten films nominated for Best Picture, it sits at #9 for me. Travers notes that he thinks the film has the year’s best screenplay, direction, cinematography, editing and score.

The score? I’d go for that. But 127 Hours contained the best editing. The best screen play would probably be for The Fighter (Although good, Sorkin’s screenplay is notably flawed due to some factual inconsistensies  - sorry, Lani!). Cinematography? Winter’s Bone, hands down.  Direction? I’d hand that that to The Fighter as well, but only since Debra Granik got snubbed. 

And get this! Traver’s says Bale should win for Best Supporting Actor. Over John Hawkes in Winter’s Bone (my fav) or even Jeremy Renner in The Town? Christian Bale is amazing in The Fighter, but he wasn’t as good as Hawkes or Renner in their respective films. Hell, I even gotta give Mark Ruffalo props; he carried that p.o.s Kids Are All Right.

Oh! And he thinks Annette Benning should win for Best Actress. First of all, Kids Are All RIght is a goddamned ensemble flick; it shouldn’t have any Lead nominees. Secondly, Benning over Portman, Lawrence and Michelle Williams? F*** you, Travers!

Peter Travers doesn’t know a damn thing.

And I just focused all of my pent up rage from the day at some movie critic.

FML

thoughts. unfocused.

This is not meant to belittle Gabrielle Giffords or Lara Logan. Not at all. It’s meant to show that our media is fucked in how it presents violence to the public. Every murder and every rape should be front page news. No doubt. But while the Today Show, and others, decide to devote hours upon hours of airtime to inane crap, people die and women are raped. Every. Single. Day. Hell, not even local news station can manage to find time to devote a segment to a rape victim if there’s an acrobatic kitten involved.*

Last month there was a tragic shooting in Arizona. A maniac killed six people and wounded even more. A congresswoman was shot, so it’s been on the front page of many newspapers. It’s been a mainstay of cable news for the last month or so. Fair enough; something like that should be news. Our legislative branch went batshit and started contemplating (seriously, this time) mental health and gun control legislation. Maybe because one of their own was involved? The whole, this could have happened to me! thang goin on, ya dig?

Last week there was another tragedy. A news reporter was sexually assaulted while covering the protests in Egypt. This is awful, don’t get me wrong. The last few days it’s been another cable news staple. Again, fair enough. This should be news. But it’s only news because Mika Brzeznki was horrified**. How often, in the course of her career, do you think Mika Brzezinski has reported on a tragedy? Without emotion. But what do we have? This could have happened to me! thang goin on, ya dig?

Light should be shed on such horrific events in an attempt to make sure they don’t happen again. But our media only bolts into action when it appears as if we can bleed that shit dry, right? I aim to watch at least ten minutes of the morning news shows every day, and one thing is sure: they all cover the same “headline” stories, and they all are filling the f*** outta some time.

As of January 8, 2011 - the day six people were murdered in Arizona - there had been eight murders in Prince George’s County, MD. One a day. I didn’t see this on the cable news networks, and it makes me wonder how many other counties have similar murder rates. And how many murders fly under the national radar? I can only imagine.

Our national media is just…awful. Is that the best word? Awful? I used to desprise the phrase if it bleeds, It leads. I used to think it was a scummy way to run the news business. But now I’m thinking maybe, once a week, all news shows should be forced to focus on the most horrific acts of violence perpetrated throughout the country. Just to remind people.

Just to remind people that more than six people in this country have been murdered. Just to remind people that more than one woman has been raped.

—————-

* I’m not saying to not air the acrobatic kitten segment - damn that’s cute! But maybe cut out the weather. Who gets the weather forecast from the news, anyway?

** This woman is always so cold when reporting on tragedies. Today on MSNBC’s Morning Joe she was uncharacteristically emotional. Using her as an example.

She's a citizen! Build a fence around her!

NOTE:


This isn’t about illegal immigration. It’s about the blinders some anti-immigration activists wear when discussing Mexicans.

Yeah, I said it. Mexicans. Because I’ve never heard a Minuteman whine about how all those damn Irish Catholics are making job-stealing babies by the minute. I mean come on! If any group in the United States is taking up job space it's the Catholics. 100% FACT: For every illegal immigrant in the United States, there are 85, 568 Catholics who refuse to work. Okay, I made that up. Sue me.

----------

From Yahoo! today: Border activist convicted in deadly home invasion

This woman and her henchmen killed two people. And yet, we have not built a fence around her.

I'd like to take just a few moments to point out one of many differences between so-called Minutemen and other anti-immigration activists.* When an illegal immigrant commits a heinous crime such as murder, anti-immigrant folks rail about how this is why we need better border security, this is why we need a fence! We need to keep these people out! All they bring to this country is crime! And they steal our jobs!

I'll forego, for the time being, the bullshit job-taking, crime-bringing anti-immigrant talk. It's mostly just thinly-veiled racism, but whatever.

There's a stark contrast between folks like me and Minutemen, and we see it in what occurs in situations such as this.

Where is the rage from progressives over this anti-immigrants crime? Why aren't we calling for all Minutemen to be put in jail, or shoved into a small sect of land! Why, Shawna Ford killed those people! And she's an anti-illegal immigrant activist! They must all be like that!

Why is that not happening? Because we progressives - liiibrulz! - are fairly level-headed. We realize that just because three Minuteman commits an awful crime doesn't necessarily mean all of them are equally capable of committing crimes of the same nature.

There are scumbags in the United States. Some of them are illegal immigrants. Some of them are citizens of this country.  I think I'll call Tom Tancredo in the morning, just to ask if he's gonna do anything about this shit.

------

* It's my belief that when you get down to the core of such beliefs it's all just thinly-veiled racism/xenophobia powering it all. So I generally refer to such folks as simply anti-immigration activists.

Mubarek, Mushmarek

I did not pick up on this until today. There were a few headlines on Yahoo! today describing Hosni Mubarek as an "embattled" President.

Embattled President? No. No...NO!

Mubarek is a dictator. And the people of Egypt have had enough. Good for them. I hope they stay in the streets. I hope they flip over more cars and burn more s***. Those who are brave enough to stand up to their tyrannic dictator deserve our respect and support. If this keeps up, there will likely be massive bloodshed. Hopefully it won't come to that, but if you can cite a true revolution that didn't require a physical, bloody (and I'm talking Under Siege-type bloody) I'd be surprised. But anywho....

It's amazing to me that a country founded on a violent revolution is so ambivalent to the troubles of a nation in a similar state of resistance to oppression. I remember two weeks ago, there was quite a bit of hostility toward the protesters. The general consensus was,  Whaazahh huh?! B-b-b-ut Egypt is my friend! 
 Uh, derrrrrp. And yet, we still show a bit of deference to Mubarek.

Why? He's a prick. But he's a prick who's allowed the covert US agencies to torture suspects for the last gabillion years. That's why.

SIDE NOTE: I was going to write a much more substantial blog, but in trying to find a quote from the incredible Chalmers Johnson concerning "extraordinary renditions," I found out that Johnson passed away late last year. Now I'm f***ing really sad, because Chalmers Johnson was just...awesome. I've always jokingly referred to him as the poor man's Noam Chomsky, because he was not as well-known to the general public. Whatever.

This sucks.

An article by Mr. Johnson. From 2007.

SUPER 8 > BLACK EYED PEAS

During the Superbowl my Dad and I kept switching over to watch Holmes on Homes. Because we don't watch the Superbowl for the commercials, damn it! We watch it to see grown men hug each other very tightly until they both succumb to passion, faint, and fall to the ground in a loving, sweaty heap of man-flesh.

That's how football works, right?

So this is the one decent movie trailer I saw. And, because I'm a JJ Abrams groupie, I have to say I'm psyched for this flick. Aliens and Steven Spielberg producing? With JJ Abrams at the helm it's gonna be like Close Encounters of the Third Kind...but if the aliens in Close Encounters were drunk and belligerent.

PS: We watched an entire episode of Holmes Inspection during halftime. During a commercial break I told my dad to switch back. "Halftime's gotta be over," I said. It wasn't. At that point I realized that by the time I'm fifty, the Superbowl halftime show will likely last over an hour. Awful.

ONE-SIDED CONVERSATIONS. EPISODE ONE.

ONE-SIDED CONVERSATIONS.


EPISODE 1: THE MISCEGENATION OF CARBONATION.

No.


No, f*** that! Dude, f***ing -- you don't understand!


Look: this isn't up for discussion.  I'm not talking about whether it's right or wrong...


It's about --


No, no. Let me talk for a second - it's about rights and it's about --


Dude, listen: Read Paine's Rights of Man; it says everything I'm saying, just more poetically....


I know. I know you've got Sierra Mist Cranberry Splash. I'm just saying that it's not right to integrate the two.


What?! How is that ignorant?  How's --


You just take the two and you mix them!


No, it's not the same.


I understand. I do, truly. But when you pack two elements in a bottle against their will it always ends in disaster....


....sure, Mello Yello. But that's the exception to the rule.


SPRITE!? Ugh, f*** Sprite. Sprite is awful.


I'm simply saying that to make a good drink like that you have to - okay, take Sierra Mist. The Sierra Mist Cranberry Splash. The only way that drink is going to be good is if you fill half the cup with Sierra Mist and the other half with a natural cranberry drink.


It's the only way. Otherwise you're not gonna get the best tasting cranberry Sierra Mist.


Whatever, dude.


Oh, awesome! Yeah I could totally go for a Coke Vanilla!


Thanks, Granny!

Super Mario Bros. On a Sidewalk. Awesome.

A fella named Andreas Heikaus created this as a senior thesis. I get a little bit envious when I see such tremendous films, but then my little heart gets wamred when I realize I've just seen something so friggin awesome.


Super Mario Bros. from Andreas Heikaus on Vimeo.

Also please to be checking out this article listing the 20 Coolest Super Mario Bros Design Remakes. All of the entries are pretty cool.

on my knees, beggin

Baby, I'm sorry. Look, just listen.

When I left - when I left you for Tumblr it was a mistake. I wasn't thinking my heart. No baby, that was my dicknballs talkin --

So anyway. I like me some Tumblr, but that place is only good for posting pictures and crap like this. So now I'm back here. Yay!