Super Mario Bros. On a Sidewalk. Awesome.

A fella named Andreas Heikaus created this as a senior thesis. I get a little bit envious when I see such tremendous films, but then my little heart gets wamred when I realize I've just seen something so friggin awesome.


Super Mario Bros. from Andreas Heikaus on Vimeo.

Also please to be checking out this article listing the 20 Coolest Super Mario Bros Design Remakes. All of the entries are pretty cool.

on my knees, beggin

Baby, I'm sorry. Look, just listen.

When I left - when I left you for Tumblr it was a mistake. I wasn't thinking my heart. No baby, that was my dicknballs talkin --

So anyway. I like me some Tumblr, but that place is only good for posting pictures and crap like this. So now I'm back here. Yay!

deader than dead.

Moving to Tumblr.

You're dead to me, eBlogger.

http://ncolevas.tumblr.com

tha semenz is tha demonz

A few days ago this lil' ditty popped up on Yahoo! news:

Exorcists wanted: apply to Catholic Church:

The church has signed up 56 bishops and 66 priests for the two-day workshop that began on Friday, seeking to boost the small group of just five or six American exorcists that the church currently has on its books.

My first thought was, How many exorcisms are there a year? I didn't bother to do the research because I had more important things to do...like making Catholic kid fucking jokes.

(...don't all Catholic priests know how to exorcise demons....from little boys' dicks? hardeharhar!)

I know it's easy to point to the kid fucking as a reason to condemn the Catholic Church, but for me this whole "we need more exorcists!" crap takes the sodomite cake. I'm not bothering to do the research on exorcisms throughout the United States, but how many new exorcists could you possibly need?

I can only assume there's a big fat goose egg for the U.S. on the 'ol Exorcism Chart at the Vatican....

Besides, you can always get the kid fuckers to do 'em. It's not like you moved them to another parish or anything, right?

I DID IT! I finally took that damn church down a peg!

Tha semenz is tha demonz!

this is stupid. super stupid.

What follows is just some random crap that amuses me. These are pictures I took with my cell phone.

Don't try to say this doesn't make you giggle!

Is the orange cone blocking off the trash cans? Or are the trash cans blocking off the orange cone? Mind: Blown.

It's only funny if you watch It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. So obviously this cracks me up.

People think I'm crazy because I think this A/C unit looks like a friendly robot with a face.

My favorite kind of shower.

Who would need practice slipping and/or falling? It's nonsensical!

one day as a lion?

...and which one is the lion?

I love how the one picture taken of myself and Eamonn taken in the last year has me - unshaven, squinting and pale! - and him crying....No, really! I love it. My mom took this picture and - as any great photographer - captured a true moment. That moment?  Eamonn crying because his mommy was leaving...to grab some snacks. I cannot count the times I've carried the kid when he's been crying, and I'm glad I can't. 

I don't want this kid to grow up....

i am your arsonist

I AM YOUR ARSONIST is the name of Jason, Lauren and Chris' band.

Check out their Faceplace fan page.

They are awesome. As my tweet on the night of their first show stated, Breaking news: I Am Your Arsonist rocked so hard that my pants ripped at the crotch.

Anywho, here's the flier for that show. Save it. Cherish it. Caress it. Maybe even finger it. Y'know, just a lil bit.

I don't know who designed it, but they did an excellent job.

What I don't understand is why I Am Your Arsonist nixed my design for a poster promoting their second show...

BWAHAHAHAHAHA! Fartsonist! Get it? Such clever wordplay should be outlawed.

Logorama

Lord knows why I never shared this, but better late then never, right?

This is Logorama. It won the 2010 Academy Award for Best Animated Short.

I can't get the embedded video to work, so here's a link.

I stole this Logorama still  from this site.

I have no time for commentary, as I feel the need to get new tires.

yup.

I think I've watched this clip two dozen times since it was first put up on Funny or Die, and it still cracks me up.

Commence giggling:

"Craigslist Penis Photographer" featuring Bob Odenkirk from Bob Odenkirk

death by basketball

Remember that movie Deadly Friend? I do.




That, my friends, is called cinematic excellence.

the greatest thing in the history of ever

Watch this. It's from Intervention. That show is depressing as s*** (and this episode was exceptionally sad), but I'll be damned if this clip doesn't make my dark little heart flutter.



And then there's this guy. You can bet yer arse that this guy is gonna DJ my wedding. As soon as Volushka arrives in the mail. (She's very pretty.)



Finally, the "worst wedding DJ ever." I think this makes him the best, right? I mean...yeah. The best.

 

So anyway,  some fellas slapped together all this stuff (along with a panda sneezing) and came up with the greatest thing in the history of ever.



And if you don't know the story about the kid from the end, then you need to get with the program. 

Eamonn: A Supernatural Marshmallow Monster Exposed!!

Bear with me, please. I have a point.

(I promise.)

Ladies and gentlemen, a scene from the 1984 blockbuster, Ghostbusters (with some help from Imdb, although I think my artistic flourishes demand - demand, I say! - Oscar nominations!):

Something, something, something, Gozer asks the Ghostbusters to choose their Destructor... 

Gozer: 

The Choice is made...the Traveller has come!

Dr. Peter Venkman: 

Nobody choosed anything! 

 (to Egon) 

 Did you choose anything? 

Dr. Egon Spengler

No. 

Dr. Peter Venkman:

 (to Winston) Did you? 

Winston Zeddemore: 

My mind is totally blank. 

Dr. Peter Venkman: 

I didn't choose anything... 

A long pause. Then, finally, a collective realization. Venkman, Spengler and Zeddemore all look to Stantz.

Dr Ray Stantz: 

(stunned, yet amazed)

I couldn't help it. It just popped in there. 

Dr. Peter Venkman: 

What? What just popped in there?

Dr Ray Stantz: 

I - I - I tried to think... 

Dr. Egon Spengler: 

LOOK! 

The Ghostbusters look over the edge of the building. Wide eyed, horrified.

Dr Ray Stantz: 

No! It can't be!

Dr. Peter Venkman: 

What is it? 

Dr Ray Stantz: 

IT CAN'T BE!

Dr. Peter Venkman: 

What...did you do, Ray? 

Winston Zeddemore: 

Oh, shit! 

Stumbling through the city: an enormous, white, monster. Only one Ghostbuster recognizes this monster immediately. As a matter of simple fact,

Dr Ray Stantz: 

It's the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. 

-------------------------

AHEM!

Has anyone else noticed that Mister Eamonn bears a striking resemblance to a certain, sorta-kinda,  puffed marshmallow-like monster?

No?

Well, I have. Take a peek, ya clueless bastards!

Oh, no? He doesn't? Yeah...I know, that's understandable. After all, Eamonn is only a

 TODDLER,  CORRECT!?!?!?!?!

I'm sorry. No, really!...I'm sorry. Look...a massive font and bold print was the only way I could get my point acr-- no...please don't leave! PLEASE!  It's important! It's....

....our lives depend on it! Oh...my...GOD!!! 

NNNNOOOOOO!! EXCLAMATION POINTS!!! MORE 

BOLD TYPING!!!!

  

My sincere apologies. I thought we were under attack, but Eamonn was just trying to give us all a --

OOOOGGHGHHGHGHNNNNNOOOOOO

HE'SEATINGTHECAT!!!

.......signal.............

.......terminated.........

.......yejerks!...........

..........................

..........................

..........................

..........................

.......PS.................

.......he.ate.the.cat.....

..........................

...........

my bucket list

Ever have one of those days where every regret you've ever had seems to come by? Just to punch you in the dick? It's been one of those days. Days like these I look forward to kicking the bucket  - what with me having fucked up so badly in the past few years. So in honor of my eventual demise I present my bucket list - which I wrote, to myself (in google mail) when maybe I should have been working? Meh. Screw it.

my bucket list:

a plastic beach toy bucket

a cement bucket

a drywall bucket

a dywall bucket that i use to store my car washing accessories

just a plain old bucket

a bucket painted like the american flag

a brand new, shiny metal bucket with no dents in it

a metal bucket with dents in it (so the brand new bucket doesn't get too full of himself)

a tiny bucket made for baby squirrels to use

a leaky bucket

a bucket shaped like the stanley cup (but not the stanley cup. that's too big)

things that are buckets (but you don't really think of them as buckets because your mind lives in a box...which is something that is similar to a bucket, but with a lid. and hair and brains):

a swimming pool

an asteroid crater

the letter "u"

the letter "w" (it is a double bucket if you think about it)

a hole you dug in the ground to keep your victims (a dead people bucket!)

a carved out pumpkin

a toilet

my calvert apex story (sorta kinda)

I felt like going to the movies today after work, but I'm already tired by noon, so I figure I won't go to Annapolis because fuck it, I'm tired and I just want some dumb entertainment to kickstart my weekend.

The A-Team is playing at the Calvert Apex, I think to myself - and then say out loud so someone, feeling sorry for me, feels the need to interact with me. And when they being to ask about my weekend plans I cut them off and scream, "None of your fucking business, Holly! Why don't you go back to your loveless marriage?" Okay, that's not true. But I think I might have to start doing just that. Aaaaanywho;

Even though it's lousy, the Calvert Apex is ideal. It won't be crowded and it's a mere two minute ride from the house.  So I google the "Calvert Apex," because it's been many years since they've had a listing on Imdb or Moviefone. For whatever reason, they just don't supply their showtimes to those sites. So I google the shit, but I clink on the Yahoo! Movies link instead. It's a mistake, because there are no showtimes listed (if I was remotely intelligent I would have made that conclusion before wasting my own time).

But oh, the little gem I found. The page had reviews, and this was the most recent:

I LOVE CALVERT COUNTY, but i drive to Bowie or Annapolis to go to movies because it is dirty, they NEVER NEVER NEVER have box-office hit movies w/african americans, 
like TYLER PERRY only movies shown with african americans are those that star Will Smith, Denzel so get it together, get with the program, upgrade

So lets break this down.

 I LOVE CALVERT COUNTY

I love it as well. But more for the open air, mild climate and good people. Not so much for the racism, though. That's sort of...not the best part.

but i drive to Bowie or Annapolis to go to movies because it is dirty,

Agreed. The Calvert theatre is pretty filthy.

they NEVER NEVER NEVER have box-office hit movies w/african americans,

I don't know what that has to do with being dir---ohhhhhhhh. Yeah. I suppose if you're an unapologetic racist you shouldn't go to theatres that black folks frequent - wait! Didn't you say go to Bowie instead?!

like TYLER PERRY 

Okay, okay. Fine. I hate Tyler Perry. But not because he's black. It's because he sucks, and because he's become rich despite his outrageous flaunting of his own suckiness.

only movies shown with african americans are those that star Will Smith, Denzel so get it together, get with the program, upgrade

Is he telling the Calvert theatre to upgrade? Or Denzel Washington and Will Smith? I'm confused.

Also, do you think when this fella says "get with the program, upgrade" he's talking about drinking from separate water fountains? Cuz I don't think that could be considered an upgrade.

So anyway, I didn't make it to the movies. Maybe tomorrow. Or Wednesday. Or whenever. Whatever.

so long, mr griffey

Ken Griffey Jr. retired earlier this week. This makes me sad. It makes a lot of other baseball fans sad too, almost certainly for the same reasons.  Because while guys Sammy Sosa, Rafael Palmiero, Mark McGuire and Barry Bonds cheated their way into headlines and record books, Griffey kept it real.

I maintain that Griffey was still an excellent player in the past ten years, albeit a different one. He had to adapt as he aged, no longer having the same power he had at the height of his career (mid to late 90s, I'd say). He was injured often, missing a shit-ton of games. And ya know why? Because he wasn't jacked up on HGH or Creatin or any of that junk. You know what that's called? It's called class, kids. 

Barry Bonds is the current all-time home run leader - and it's likely Alex Rodriguez is going to crush Bonds' record - but we all know Barry Bonds is a cheater. And we already know A-Rod had used steroids at different points in his career.  Griffey didn't. But he's still at #5 all-time in home runs. I'm pretty sure he's in the top ten for hits and RBIs as well (but I'm too lazy to look). He'll be a first-ballot Hall of Famer, and no one will have any questions about his purity as a player. No one will ask for an asterisk next to his name or numbers, no one will question his contribution to the sport.

And that's what makes Griffey such a big deal, right? When folks write or talk about his career, there will be no digression about steroids, about cheating. It's all gonna be, Remember Ken Griffey Jr.? Damn, he was amazing...

And he was associated with the best frigging baseball game ever....EVER.