my bucket list

Ever have one of those days where every regret you've ever had seems to come by? Just to punch you in the dick? It's been one of those days. Days like these I look forward to kicking the bucket  - what with me having fucked up so badly in the past few years. So in honor of my eventual demise I present my bucket list - which I wrote, to myself (in google mail) when maybe I should have been working? Meh. Screw it.

my bucket list:

a plastic beach toy bucket

a cement bucket

a drywall bucket

a dywall bucket that i use to store my car washing accessories

just a plain old bucket

a bucket painted like the american flag

a brand new, shiny metal bucket with no dents in it

a metal bucket with dents in it (so the brand new bucket doesn't get too full of himself)

a tiny bucket made for baby squirrels to use

a leaky bucket

a bucket shaped like the stanley cup (but not the stanley cup. that's too big)

things that are buckets (but you don't really think of them as buckets because your mind lives in a box...which is something that is similar to a bucket, but with a lid. and hair and brains):

a swimming pool

an asteroid crater

the letter "u"

the letter "w" (it is a double bucket if you think about it)

a hole you dug in the ground to keep your victims (a dead people bucket!)

a carved out pumpkin

a toilet

my calvert apex story (sorta kinda)

I felt like going to the movies today after work, but I'm already tired by noon, so I figure I won't go to Annapolis because fuck it, I'm tired and I just want some dumb entertainment to kickstart my weekend.

The A-Team is playing at the Calvert Apex, I think to myself - and then say out loud so someone, feeling sorry for me, feels the need to interact with me. And when they being to ask about my weekend plans I cut them off and scream, "None of your fucking business, Holly! Why don't you go back to your loveless marriage?" Okay, that's not true. But I think I might have to start doing just that. Aaaaanywho;

Even though it's lousy, the Calvert Apex is ideal. It won't be crowded and it's a mere two minute ride from the house.  So I google the "Calvert Apex," because it's been many years since they've had a listing on Imdb or Moviefone. For whatever reason, they just don't supply their showtimes to those sites. So I google the shit, but I clink on the Yahoo! Movies link instead. It's a mistake, because there are no showtimes listed (if I was remotely intelligent I would have made that conclusion before wasting my own time).

But oh, the little gem I found. The page had reviews, and this was the most recent:

I LOVE CALVERT COUNTY, but i drive to Bowie or Annapolis to go to movies because it is dirty, they NEVER NEVER NEVER have box-office hit movies w/african americans, 
like TYLER PERRY only movies shown with african americans are those that star Will Smith, Denzel so get it together, get with the program, upgrade

So lets break this down.

 I LOVE CALVERT COUNTY

I love it as well. But more for the open air, mild climate and good people. Not so much for the racism, though. That's sort of...not the best part.

but i drive to Bowie or Annapolis to go to movies because it is dirty,

Agreed. The Calvert theatre is pretty filthy.

they NEVER NEVER NEVER have box-office hit movies w/african americans,

I don't know what that has to do with being dir---ohhhhhhhh. Yeah. I suppose if you're an unapologetic racist you shouldn't go to theatres that black folks frequent - wait! Didn't you say go to Bowie instead?!

like TYLER PERRY 

Okay, okay. Fine. I hate Tyler Perry. But not because he's black. It's because he sucks, and because he's become rich despite his outrageous flaunting of his own suckiness.

only movies shown with african americans are those that star Will Smith, Denzel so get it together, get with the program, upgrade

Is he telling the Calvert theatre to upgrade? Or Denzel Washington and Will Smith? I'm confused.

Also, do you think when this fella says "get with the program, upgrade" he's talking about drinking from separate water fountains? Cuz I don't think that could be considered an upgrade.

So anyway, I didn't make it to the movies. Maybe tomorrow. Or Wednesday. Or whenever. Whatever.

so long, mr griffey

Ken Griffey Jr. retired earlier this week. This makes me sad. It makes a lot of other baseball fans sad too, almost certainly for the same reasons.  Because while guys Sammy Sosa, Rafael Palmiero, Mark McGuire and Barry Bonds cheated their way into headlines and record books, Griffey kept it real.

I maintain that Griffey was still an excellent player in the past ten years, albeit a different one. He had to adapt as he aged, no longer having the same power he had at the height of his career (mid to late 90s, I'd say). He was injured often, missing a shit-ton of games. And ya know why? Because he wasn't jacked up on HGH or Creatin or any of that junk. You know what that's called? It's called class, kids. 

Barry Bonds is the current all-time home run leader - and it's likely Alex Rodriguez is going to crush Bonds' record - but we all know Barry Bonds is a cheater. And we already know A-Rod had used steroids at different points in his career.  Griffey didn't. But he's still at #5 all-time in home runs. I'm pretty sure he's in the top ten for hits and RBIs as well (but I'm too lazy to look). He'll be a first-ballot Hall of Famer, and no one will have any questions about his purity as a player. No one will ask for an asterisk next to his name or numbers, no one will question his contribution to the sport.

And that's what makes Griffey such a big deal, right? When folks write or talk about his career, there will be no digression about steroids, about cheating. It's all gonna be, Remember Ken Griffey Jr.? Damn, he was amazing...

And he was associated with the best frigging baseball game ever....EVER.

Introducing....SPOILER ALERT!!

Introducing THIS IS STUPID'S Guardian Angel of spoiler alerts, Dr. Eamonn Nagy!^

Dr. Nagy will alert you upon any possibility of me releasing information that may ruin any film, television or literary experience you may be planning to enjoy in the future. These alerts will look like something like these joints, sucka!

Just a little background information on Dr. Eamonn Nagy:

Dr. Nagy is a Professor of Film Studies at University University, where he currently teaches courses in Film Production, Film Theory and Screenwriting.

His most recent theory course, What the F***?: A Discourse On Why David Lynch Is a Hack, concluded with Nagy shouting, "Just stop pretending to be a storyteller and admit you want to see beautiful women naked!"

Dr. Nagy holds numerous PhDs, all of which he has achieved in less than two years of life! He is able to cut you wiiiiiiiide open if you are interested in:

Generally Wrecking Joints, University of Maryland

Handsome Laddery, Oxford

Massive Poops With Minimal Effort, College of Southern Maryland

So you know what? When Dr. Nagy says "SPOILER ALERT!" you better listen!^^

         --------

^Eamonn Nagy does not hold any degree in Spoiler Alertness.  

^^ Again, Eamonn Nagy does not hold any degree in Spoiler Alertness.

sage francis' li(f)e

It only took me nearly a month to finally get it, but it was well worth the wait....

The final song, The Best of Times, is by far my favorite. Looks like Mr. Francis and I had an eerily similar youth. Not only that, but the music for the track was composed by Yann Tiersen. Who's that? I didn't know either...well, sorta. Tiersen composed the soundtrack for Amelie. A film which makes you believe in true love even when you're at your most bitter and lonely. So I knew the man's work, but not the man. Wonderful musical track on this one.

Anyway, here is a section of the lyrics. You could also check out Sage's liner notes here.

It’s been a long and lonely trip but I’m glad that I took it because it was well worth it. I got to read a couple books and do some research before I reached my verdict. Never thought that I was perfect. Always thought that I had a purpose. Used to wonder if I’d live to see my first kiss.

The most difficult thing I ever did was recite my own words at a service realizing the person I was addressing probably wasn’t looking down from heaven. Or cooking up something in hell’s kitchen, trying to listen in or eaves drop from some another dimension. It was self serving just like this is.

Conveniently religious on Easter Sunday and on Christmas. The television went from being a babysitter to a mistress. Technology made it easy for us to stay in touch while keeping a distance, ’til we just stayed distant and never touched. Now all we do is text too much.

I don’t remember much from my youth. Maybe my memory is repressed. Or I just spent too much time wondering if I’d live to have sex. Fell in love for the first time in 4th grade but I didn’t have the courage to talk to her. In 8th grade I wrote her the note but I slipped it in someone else’s locker.

Considered killing myself ’cause of that. It was a big deal. It was a blown cover. It was over for me. My goose was cooked. Stick a fork it me. The jig is up. I blew my chances, the rest is history, our future was torn asunder. It became abundantly clear that I was only brought here to suffer.

I think that's about the first two minutes (the song is six. An incredible six). That last line got me a lil chocked up, to be honest. I lived so long thinking the same thing - that I was only here to suffer. And I thought this for way too long. 

My first blogs here were so full of self-loathing, depression, despair that it's painful to even think about those days. Not literal pain, like that idiot creator of Grey's Anatomy felt.* But still, pain. There were also some early hints (to myself! from myself!) that the drinking was getting a little out of hand.** Naturally, I managed to sprinkle some delightful insanity in there too, but the point is, Sage ends the song like so:

Now I wonder if I’ll live to see marriage. Wonder if I’ll live long enough to have kids. Wonder if I’ll live to see my kids have kids. If I do I’m gonna tell ‘em how it is.


“Don’t listen when they tell you that these are your best years. Don’t let anybody protect your ears. It’s best that you hear what they don’t want you to hear. It’s better to have pressure from peers than not have peers. Beer won’t give you chest hair. Spicy food won’t make it curl. When you think you’ve got it all figured out and then your universe collapses…trust me, kid…it’s not the end of the world.”


Wow. I still wonder about the marriage and the kids (think I had an awesome chance there, but I definitely fucked up beyond all human comprehension on that one, folks), but yeah...overall this track affected me the most. The other standouts so far are Little Houdini and I Was Zero.

It's a great record. Go buy it, I guarantee you'll love it. Or hate it. Or whatever. Look dude, I don't care anymore. I gotta to be up early tomorrow cuz I have to help my Aunt Stacie move, so get outta here. You know I hate it when you watch me sleep. It creeps me out. 

SO GIT OUT!

                                                                       ----------

* Sorry, but there's only one thing worse than not understanding the concept of "literal". And that's EFFING WRITERS not understanding the concept of literal.

** But Sage didn't include a song about that on the record...the inconsiderate bastard!

STAGECOACH!!

John Ford's Stagecoach came out on Blu-ray last week.

Will you buy it for me? Pretty please?

Well look! Here's the thing: it'll definitely inspire me to put the finishing touched on The Deposed Kings of Red Rock, so when I make my billions - BILLIONS! - I'll buy you the Ultimate Wash for your car. That's the one with the wash, wax, undercarriage bath, the bug-buster, Rain-X application, the jim-jam, a wheel cleaner, the finny-fanny, the wrinkle inspector, a whootsy-tootsy and - to top it all off! - a signed Joe Orsulak rookie card. The catch is it was to be at the Solomon's Car Wash because that's where I got the gift card.

I'm kidding, of course. You buy me this, and I'll be thankless. Totally thankless. I might even spit on you. That's how the world works, darlin'. Get used to it.

(Actin like a heartless jackass...I can't quite pull that off, can I?)

From this point forward, anytime you watch a movie that shares the horrendous editing characteristics which include thirty billion quick cuts, pointless slo-mo and close-up shots and way too much CGI - all of which have you thinking, what the hell just happened? - watch this clip from Ford's Stagecoach. 

And then watch this. Scroll to about 1:30 in to see a fabulous example of horrible filmmaking. Please don't watch the whole clip...unless you're unhappy with yourself and wish to wallow...crap.

I don't think being able to comprehend every on-screen image is antiquated in any way. Am I wrong? Am I an old geezer or somethin'? Good filmmaking involves putting images on the screen...that people can see! Why put an image on screen if the viewer can't make sense of it? I don't want to make this about hate, so I'll just say this: I aspire to create sequences like Ford, Peckinpah and Sturges. Those guys knew how to direct.

One last note. I know this is uber-nerdy, but I really do enjoy the art design of the Criterion Collection's releases. They've got some talented folks over there that really know how to capture the essence of any particular film.

i will drown my television in a bathtub.

This is why I sometimes want to drown my television in a bathtub:

On today's Good Morning America (the Saturday edition), they did a segment on psychic hotlines and their credibility. The interviewer asked, "Is there any sort of government regulation in place?"

Really? REALLY?

Look. I'm all for government regulation where we need it but if the day comes where our tax money goes to regulate Miss Cleo and John Edwards, I will no longer consider myself to be American.

And stop wasting programming time on stupid shit. There's still that disaster in the Gulf and a bullshit immigration law in Arizona that need to be covered, among other things. Oh! And there are still two wars being fought - American lives being lost. Maybe you can give them some attention.

Television, meet water.

That said, I do think we need Uncle Sam to crack down on these phone sex hotlines, because I need to be assured that "Misti" is really a horny Swedish chick and not an elderly German gentleman.

MY MIND? BOGGLED

Real quick: 

I used to root for the Oakland Raiders, now I root for the Redskins.

I used to root for the Pittsburgh Penguins, now I root for the Capitals.

I used to root for the Milwaukee Brewers, not I root for the Orioles.

I never really cared for basketball, so who gives a hoot about the Wizards.

So since I've converted to Blind Homerism (which has been an enjoyable endeavor, btw) this past year I've noticed how bass-ackwards Washington/Baltimore is when it comes to sports. More specifically, how uneducated most DC sports fans are - and unbelievably fucking dumb ALL sports radio callers are.

Yesterday, Mike Wise dedicated at least the first hour of his show to pretending that the Capitals had not been knocked out of the playoffs, and most of the callers were upset about this. One man actually said "it's too soon." HE SAID "IT'S TOO SOON!"

"Too soon" is a phrase used when someone made a 9/11 joke on 9/12, right? Not when your favorite team gets knocked out of the playoffs - it's not like your mom died, douche.

Whatever.

Oh! It also boggles my mind that three of the Orioles five wins come from (arguably) the two best teams of the past ten years in Major League Baseball, the Boston Red Sox and the New York Yankees.  Strange team, they are. Strange team.

Wait....WHAT?! Huh?

Let me make one thing absolutely clear.

I was taught at a young age the difference between what it meansto want something and what it meansto need something. For instance, I know I only wanted a Nerf gun when I was eight-years-old (and uh, maybe last week? Maybe?)but I know that I need to drink water to survive.

At this moment in time, I am at work. It's snowing outside and it's probably getting pretty nasty down in Calvert. I should be heading home, but I NEED to post this. Right now! Got it? Are ya with me here, ya bastards?

Okay. Good. Fantastic.

This is a trailer for a movie called Birdemic. Yeah. Birdemic. If you can make it through the first minute then prepare to be amazed by the wonders of modern technology. Fuck you, Avatar!

You're welcome.

And there's this trailer for After Last Season, which is...Well maybe you should just watch it and when your head explodes,  give me a ring. I'll be waiting.

new layout

I'm working on a new layout. So stop giving me guff, a-holes!

The Losers!!

Another awesome comic book series has been turned into a movie and, just like Kick-Ass, it seems as if the adaptation was handled well. The trailer for The Losers is out and...well, it looks pretty badass. And that's Composeon top of the fact that it looks like it's faithful to the source material.

The original series ran for about 30 issues before it got canceled, so I'm not sure if only one film could cover the insanely complicated main story arc involving The Losers and the super-evil baddie Max, but this looks promising. Just compare this image from the books and the still image below and you might just get a boner -- errr, I uh....yeah. Just watch the damn trailer.

MacGruberrrrrr!!!!!

Look. I'm not much of an SNL fan these days, but one of the few sketches that makes me laugh are the MacGruber ones. Stupid? Yes. But when have I been known to engage in high class humor, anyway?

So here's the red-band trailer for the MacGruber movie. It's really not that vulgar, but I suppose in terms of marketing it's pretty smart to go stick some date rape jokes in an SNL movie. Personally I think that's why It's Pat! wasn't a huge hit, what with its lack of f-bombs and date rape jokes....



By the way, I saw Legion yesterday.

Wow! What a terrible, horrible, shit-filled Twinkie of a movie...

(Review coming soon at this blog and WeShootHorses.)

why i am now in the world's oldest preofession

I  know it's sorta of silly, but I get really excited when the Criterion Collection announces new releases. Although I was late to the party with Criterion - my first purchase being Akira Kurosawa's Throne of Blood, Criterion's 190th DVD release - I've always admired the company's insistence on providing us only the very best presentations, for going all out with their releases.

So anyway, here is one of the many reasons I adore this company:

   AK 100:25 Films by Akira Kurosawa

Here's what sucks about this:

I already own ten of the films that appear in this collection: Stray Dog, The Seven Samurai, Yojimbo, Sanjuro, The Bad Sleep Well, Rashomon, The Lower Depths, Kagemusha and Throne of Blood - all of which have an absolutely insane amount of supplemental material. Sadly, this box set does not seem to include many of the special features included with the individual releases.

That leaves fifteen films - FIFTEEN! - that I have never seen.

It sucks because - damn it! do I have to explain everything to you? If this set had everything I already own PLUS those fifteen films I neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed, then I could SELL the stuff I own and get this set for virtually free!

So uh....who's gonna give me a present of $319.00 + tax + shipping/handling? Hm? HM?!

Aaaaaaaaaand in the process of writing this I discovered that Criterion is releasing Yojimbo and Sanjuro on Blu-ray in March. So I need to start having sex for money immediately. Lets see, lets see...at my going rate it will take me 2, 14, 19, carry the one, divide by 10...AH HA! By my calculations I will need to sleep with ten thousand people to make the money.

Excuse me, I have to place some Craigslist ads...

oh, Samcro! what will i do when you go?

I just wanted to put this out there....

Sons of Anarchy is the best show on television (and you jerks know that I devour film and television like I could devour eighteen orders of cheese fries from Checkers). It takes immense talent to make a gang of gun-runners as protagonists, but Kurt Sutter & Co. have managed to do just that. I'm not going to pretend to be knowledgeable about motorcycles* or motorcycle gangs**, but I do know good writing when I see it. And Sons of Anarchy contains supremely quality writing.***

-------------------

* I do know this: motorcycles have two wheels and they go vroom...VROOOOM! Wheeeeert! Vroom! Vroom! Hey, baby! Wanna ride?! Vroooooooom!

** Although I saw a movie about a mouse and his motorcycle...uhhhhh....gang?!

*** But keep in mind that I friggin' love Golden Girls. So maybe I know more about Rose Nylund's time in St. Olaf than I do about motorcycle gangs.

the first five.

Just wanted to post this so people knew what I was up to. You know, other than doing puzzles and scratching my butt. So here, you prying bastards!

The first 5 1/4 pages of that will one day be The Deposed Kings of Red Rock are at the end of this post, just beyond the elephant. Keep in mind that it's Rough-rough and the .pdf I created before, so don't kill me for lack of clarity or typographical errors.

It's funny (I an shitty sorta way) that I'm writing this for EMF 377. About this time last year I was "helping" a friend with this class. By helping I was, in actuality, helping him cheat. At the time I had myself convinced I wasn't cheating -- had myself convinced. I didn't take me this long to figure that out, but I've only been thinking of it recently because I'm putting so much into work into the same final project for this class that I put into it last year. What makes it funny in that shitty little way?

I have the same professor.

Yup. I have a hard time walking into that class, and it only gets harder when I get my assignments back with notes noting proper formatting, story pacing, plots points...well, you get the idea. This time last year I certainly mistook "helping" with "cheating." I gave him older versions of treatments for The Nightmare. But while they might be older, I certainly can't use them here for any project at Towson.

I suppose I pay the price when I feel like shit for it and can't use my own ideas.

Because I helped someone cheat.

Aaaaanywho. Lets not makes this Poutytime. I have a question. Is a non sequitur a non sequitur if you ackowledge it before you engage the audience in what was, initially, a non sequitur?

What was I talking about? Oh yeah!

First five pages right now. First Act to come soon, if only because my grade depends on it. Rough draft of script? Before 2010, perhaps?



The first five pages of The Deposed Kings of Red Rock.


Red Rock -