deader than dead.

Moving to Tumblr.

You're dead to me, eBlogger.

http://ncolevas.tumblr.com

tha semenz is tha demonz

A few days ago this lil' ditty popped up on Yahoo! news:

Exorcists wanted: apply to Catholic Church:

The church has signed up 56 bishops and 66 priests for the two-day workshop that began on Friday, seeking to boost the small group of just five or six American exorcists that the church currently has on its books.

My first thought was, How many exorcisms are there a year? I didn't bother to do the research because I had more important things to do...like making Catholic kid fucking jokes.

(...don't all Catholic priests know how to exorcise demons....from little boys' dicks? hardeharhar!)

I know it's easy to point to the kid fucking as a reason to condemn the Catholic Church, but for me this whole "we need more exorcists!" crap takes the sodomite cake. I'm not bothering to do the research on exorcisms throughout the United States, but how many new exorcists could you possibly need?

I can only assume there's a big fat goose egg for the U.S. on the 'ol Exorcism Chart at the Vatican....

Besides, you can always get the kid fuckers to do 'em. It's not like you moved them to another parish or anything, right?

I DID IT! I finally took that damn church down a peg!

Tha semenz is tha demonz!

this is stupid. super stupid.

What follows is just some random crap that amuses me. These are pictures I took with my cell phone.

Don't try to say this doesn't make you giggle!

Is the orange cone blocking off the trash cans? Or are the trash cans blocking off the orange cone? Mind: Blown.

It's only funny if you watch It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. So obviously this cracks me up.

People think I'm crazy because I think this A/C unit looks like a friendly robot with a face.

My favorite kind of shower.

Who would need practice slipping and/or falling? It's nonsensical!

one day as a lion?

...and which one is the lion?

I love how the one picture taken of myself and Eamonn taken in the last year has me - unshaven, squinting and pale! - and him crying....No, really! I love it. My mom took this picture and - as any great photographer - captured a true moment. That moment?  Eamonn crying because his mommy was leaving...to grab some snacks. I cannot count the times I've carried the kid when he's been crying, and I'm glad I can't. 

I don't want this kid to grow up....

i am your arsonist

I AM YOUR ARSONIST is the name of Jason, Lauren and Chris' band.

Check out their Faceplace fan page.

They are awesome. As my tweet on the night of their first show stated, Breaking news: I Am Your Arsonist rocked so hard that my pants ripped at the crotch.

Anywho, here's the flier for that show. Save it. Cherish it. Caress it. Maybe even finger it. Y'know, just a lil bit.

I don't know who designed it, but they did an excellent job.

What I don't understand is why I Am Your Arsonist nixed my design for a poster promoting their second show...

BWAHAHAHAHAHA! Fartsonist! Get it? Such clever wordplay should be outlawed.

Logorama

Lord knows why I never shared this, but better late then never, right?

This is Logorama. It won the 2010 Academy Award for Best Animated Short.

I can't get the embedded video to work, so here's a link.

I stole this Logorama still  from this site.

I have no time for commentary, as I feel the need to get new tires.

yup.

I think I've watched this clip two dozen times since it was first put up on Funny or Die, and it still cracks me up.

Commence giggling:

"Craigslist Penis Photographer" featuring Bob Odenkirk from Bob Odenkirk

death by basketball

Remember that movie Deadly Friend? I do.




That, my friends, is called cinematic excellence.

the greatest thing in the history of ever

Watch this. It's from Intervention. That show is depressing as s*** (and this episode was exceptionally sad), but I'll be damned if this clip doesn't make my dark little heart flutter.



And then there's this guy. You can bet yer arse that this guy is gonna DJ my wedding. As soon as Volushka arrives in the mail. (She's very pretty.)



Finally, the "worst wedding DJ ever." I think this makes him the best, right? I mean...yeah. The best.

 

So anyway,  some fellas slapped together all this stuff (along with a panda sneezing) and came up with the greatest thing in the history of ever.



And if you don't know the story about the kid from the end, then you need to get with the program. 

Eamonn: A Supernatural Marshmallow Monster Exposed!!

Bear with me, please. I have a point.

(I promise.)

Ladies and gentlemen, a scene from the 1984 blockbuster, Ghostbusters (with some help from Imdb, although I think my artistic flourishes demand - demand, I say! - Oscar nominations!):

Something, something, something, Gozer asks the Ghostbusters to choose their Destructor... 

Gozer: 

The Choice is made...the Traveller has come!

Dr. Peter Venkman: 

Nobody choosed anything! 

 (to Egon) 

 Did you choose anything? 

Dr. Egon Spengler

No. 

Dr. Peter Venkman:

 (to Winston) Did you? 

Winston Zeddemore: 

My mind is totally blank. 

Dr. Peter Venkman: 

I didn't choose anything... 

A long pause. Then, finally, a collective realization. Venkman, Spengler and Zeddemore all look to Stantz.

Dr Ray Stantz: 

(stunned, yet amazed)

I couldn't help it. It just popped in there. 

Dr. Peter Venkman: 

What? What just popped in there?

Dr Ray Stantz: 

I - I - I tried to think... 

Dr. Egon Spengler: 

LOOK! 

The Ghostbusters look over the edge of the building. Wide eyed, horrified.

Dr Ray Stantz: 

No! It can't be!

Dr. Peter Venkman: 

What is it? 

Dr Ray Stantz: 

IT CAN'T BE!

Dr. Peter Venkman: 

What...did you do, Ray? 

Winston Zeddemore: 

Oh, shit! 

Stumbling through the city: an enormous, white, monster. Only one Ghostbuster recognizes this monster immediately. As a matter of simple fact,

Dr Ray Stantz: 

It's the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. 

-------------------------

AHEM!

Has anyone else noticed that Mister Eamonn bears a striking resemblance to a certain, sorta-kinda,  puffed marshmallow-like monster?

No?

Well, I have. Take a peek, ya clueless bastards!

Oh, no? He doesn't? Yeah...I know, that's understandable. After all, Eamonn is only a

 TODDLER,  CORRECT!?!?!?!?!

I'm sorry. No, really!...I'm sorry. Look...a massive font and bold print was the only way I could get my point acr-- no...please don't leave! PLEASE!  It's important! It's....

....our lives depend on it! Oh...my...GOD!!! 

NNNNOOOOOO!! EXCLAMATION POINTS!!! MORE 

BOLD TYPING!!!!

  

My sincere apologies. I thought we were under attack, but Eamonn was just trying to give us all a --

OOOOGGHGHHGHGHNNNNNOOOOOO

HE'SEATINGTHECAT!!!

.......signal.............

.......terminated.........

.......yejerks!...........

..........................

..........................

..........................

..........................

.......PS.................

.......he.ate.the.cat.....

..........................

...........

my bucket list

Ever have one of those days where every regret you've ever had seems to come by? Just to punch you in the dick? It's been one of those days. Days like these I look forward to kicking the bucket  - what with me having fucked up so badly in the past few years. So in honor of my eventual demise I present my bucket list - which I wrote, to myself (in google mail) when maybe I should have been working? Meh. Screw it.

my bucket list:

a plastic beach toy bucket

a cement bucket

a drywall bucket

a dywall bucket that i use to store my car washing accessories

just a plain old bucket

a bucket painted like the american flag

a brand new, shiny metal bucket with no dents in it

a metal bucket with dents in it (so the brand new bucket doesn't get too full of himself)

a tiny bucket made for baby squirrels to use

a leaky bucket

a bucket shaped like the stanley cup (but not the stanley cup. that's too big)

things that are buckets (but you don't really think of them as buckets because your mind lives in a box...which is something that is similar to a bucket, but with a lid. and hair and brains):

a swimming pool

an asteroid crater

the letter "u"

the letter "w" (it is a double bucket if you think about it)

a hole you dug in the ground to keep your victims (a dead people bucket!)

a carved out pumpkin

a toilet

my calvert apex story (sorta kinda)

I felt like going to the movies today after work, but I'm already tired by noon, so I figure I won't go to Annapolis because fuck it, I'm tired and I just want some dumb entertainment to kickstart my weekend.

The A-Team is playing at the Calvert Apex, I think to myself - and then say out loud so someone, feeling sorry for me, feels the need to interact with me. And when they being to ask about my weekend plans I cut them off and scream, "None of your fucking business, Holly! Why don't you go back to your loveless marriage?" Okay, that's not true. But I think I might have to start doing just that. Aaaaanywho;

Even though it's lousy, the Calvert Apex is ideal. It won't be crowded and it's a mere two minute ride from the house.  So I google the "Calvert Apex," because it's been many years since they've had a listing on Imdb or Moviefone. For whatever reason, they just don't supply their showtimes to those sites. So I google the shit, but I clink on the Yahoo! Movies link instead. It's a mistake, because there are no showtimes listed (if I was remotely intelligent I would have made that conclusion before wasting my own time).

But oh, the little gem I found. The page had reviews, and this was the most recent:

I LOVE CALVERT COUNTY, but i drive to Bowie or Annapolis to go to movies because it is dirty, they NEVER NEVER NEVER have box-office hit movies w/african americans, 
like TYLER PERRY only movies shown with african americans are those that star Will Smith, Denzel so get it together, get with the program, upgrade

So lets break this down.

 I LOVE CALVERT COUNTY

I love it as well. But more for the open air, mild climate and good people. Not so much for the racism, though. That's sort of...not the best part.

but i drive to Bowie or Annapolis to go to movies because it is dirty,

Agreed. The Calvert theatre is pretty filthy.

they NEVER NEVER NEVER have box-office hit movies w/african americans,

I don't know what that has to do with being dir---ohhhhhhhh. Yeah. I suppose if you're an unapologetic racist you shouldn't go to theatres that black folks frequent - wait! Didn't you say go to Bowie instead?!

like TYLER PERRY 

Okay, okay. Fine. I hate Tyler Perry. But not because he's black. It's because he sucks, and because he's become rich despite his outrageous flaunting of his own suckiness.

only movies shown with african americans are those that star Will Smith, Denzel so get it together, get with the program, upgrade

Is he telling the Calvert theatre to upgrade? Or Denzel Washington and Will Smith? I'm confused.

Also, do you think when this fella says "get with the program, upgrade" he's talking about drinking from separate water fountains? Cuz I don't think that could be considered an upgrade.

So anyway, I didn't make it to the movies. Maybe tomorrow. Or Wednesday. Or whenever. Whatever.

so long, mr griffey

Ken Griffey Jr. retired earlier this week. This makes me sad. It makes a lot of other baseball fans sad too, almost certainly for the same reasons.  Because while guys Sammy Sosa, Rafael Palmiero, Mark McGuire and Barry Bonds cheated their way into headlines and record books, Griffey kept it real.

I maintain that Griffey was still an excellent player in the past ten years, albeit a different one. He had to adapt as he aged, no longer having the same power he had at the height of his career (mid to late 90s, I'd say). He was injured often, missing a shit-ton of games. And ya know why? Because he wasn't jacked up on HGH or Creatin or any of that junk. You know what that's called? It's called class, kids. 

Barry Bonds is the current all-time home run leader - and it's likely Alex Rodriguez is going to crush Bonds' record - but we all know Barry Bonds is a cheater. And we already know A-Rod had used steroids at different points in his career.  Griffey didn't. But he's still at #5 all-time in home runs. I'm pretty sure he's in the top ten for hits and RBIs as well (but I'm too lazy to look). He'll be a first-ballot Hall of Famer, and no one will have any questions about his purity as a player. No one will ask for an asterisk next to his name or numbers, no one will question his contribution to the sport.

And that's what makes Griffey such a big deal, right? When folks write or talk about his career, there will be no digression about steroids, about cheating. It's all gonna be, Remember Ken Griffey Jr.? Damn, he was amazing...

And he was associated with the best frigging baseball game ever....EVER.

Introducing....SPOILER ALERT!!

Introducing THIS IS STUPID'S Guardian Angel of spoiler alerts, Dr. Eamonn Nagy!^

Dr. Nagy will alert you upon any possibility of me releasing information that may ruin any film, television or literary experience you may be planning to enjoy in the future. These alerts will look like something like these joints, sucka!

Just a little background information on Dr. Eamonn Nagy:

Dr. Nagy is a Professor of Film Studies at University University, where he currently teaches courses in Film Production, Film Theory and Screenwriting.

His most recent theory course, What the F***?: A Discourse On Why David Lynch Is a Hack, concluded with Nagy shouting, "Just stop pretending to be a storyteller and admit you want to see beautiful women naked!"

Dr. Nagy holds numerous PhDs, all of which he has achieved in less than two years of life! He is able to cut you wiiiiiiiide open if you are interested in:

Generally Wrecking Joints, University of Maryland

Handsome Laddery, Oxford

Massive Poops With Minimal Effort, College of Southern Maryland

So you know what? When Dr. Nagy says "SPOILER ALERT!" you better listen!^^

         --------

^Eamonn Nagy does not hold any degree in Spoiler Alertness.  

^^ Again, Eamonn Nagy does not hold any degree in Spoiler Alertness.

sage francis' li(f)e

It only took me nearly a month to finally get it, but it was well worth the wait....

The final song, The Best of Times, is by far my favorite. Looks like Mr. Francis and I had an eerily similar youth. Not only that, but the music for the track was composed by Yann Tiersen. Who's that? I didn't know either...well, sorta. Tiersen composed the soundtrack for Amelie. A film which makes you believe in true love even when you're at your most bitter and lonely. So I knew the man's work, but not the man. Wonderful musical track on this one.

Anyway, here is a section of the lyrics. You could also check out Sage's liner notes here.

It’s been a long and lonely trip but I’m glad that I took it because it was well worth it. I got to read a couple books and do some research before I reached my verdict. Never thought that I was perfect. Always thought that I had a purpose. Used to wonder if I’d live to see my first kiss.

The most difficult thing I ever did was recite my own words at a service realizing the person I was addressing probably wasn’t looking down from heaven. Or cooking up something in hell’s kitchen, trying to listen in or eaves drop from some another dimension. It was self serving just like this is.

Conveniently religious on Easter Sunday and on Christmas. The television went from being a babysitter to a mistress. Technology made it easy for us to stay in touch while keeping a distance, ’til we just stayed distant and never touched. Now all we do is text too much.

I don’t remember much from my youth. Maybe my memory is repressed. Or I just spent too much time wondering if I’d live to have sex. Fell in love for the first time in 4th grade but I didn’t have the courage to talk to her. In 8th grade I wrote her the note but I slipped it in someone else’s locker.

Considered killing myself ’cause of that. It was a big deal. It was a blown cover. It was over for me. My goose was cooked. Stick a fork it me. The jig is up. I blew my chances, the rest is history, our future was torn asunder. It became abundantly clear that I was only brought here to suffer.

I think that's about the first two minutes (the song is six. An incredible six). That last line got me a lil chocked up, to be honest. I lived so long thinking the same thing - that I was only here to suffer. And I thought this for way too long. 

My first blogs here were so full of self-loathing, depression, despair that it's painful to even think about those days. Not literal pain, like that idiot creator of Grey's Anatomy felt.* But still, pain. There were also some early hints (to myself! from myself!) that the drinking was getting a little out of hand.** Naturally, I managed to sprinkle some delightful insanity in there too, but the point is, Sage ends the song like so:

Now I wonder if I’ll live to see marriage. Wonder if I’ll live long enough to have kids. Wonder if I’ll live to see my kids have kids. If I do I’m gonna tell ‘em how it is.


“Don’t listen when they tell you that these are your best years. Don’t let anybody protect your ears. It’s best that you hear what they don’t want you to hear. It’s better to have pressure from peers than not have peers. Beer won’t give you chest hair. Spicy food won’t make it curl. When you think you’ve got it all figured out and then your universe collapses…trust me, kid…it’s not the end of the world.”


Wow. I still wonder about the marriage and the kids (think I had an awesome chance there, but I definitely fucked up beyond all human comprehension on that one, folks), but yeah...overall this track affected me the most. The other standouts so far are Little Houdini and I Was Zero.

It's a great record. Go buy it, I guarantee you'll love it. Or hate it. Or whatever. Look dude, I don't care anymore. I gotta to be up early tomorrow cuz I have to help my Aunt Stacie move, so get outta here. You know I hate it when you watch me sleep. It creeps me out. 

SO GIT OUT!

                                                                       ----------

* Sorry, but there's only one thing worse than not understanding the concept of "literal". And that's EFFING WRITERS not understanding the concept of literal.

** But Sage didn't include a song about that on the record...the inconsiderate bastard!

STAGECOACH!!

John Ford's Stagecoach came out on Blu-ray last week.

Will you buy it for me? Pretty please?

Well look! Here's the thing: it'll definitely inspire me to put the finishing touched on The Deposed Kings of Red Rock, so when I make my billions - BILLIONS! - I'll buy you the Ultimate Wash for your car. That's the one with the wash, wax, undercarriage bath, the bug-buster, Rain-X application, the jim-jam, a wheel cleaner, the finny-fanny, the wrinkle inspector, a whootsy-tootsy and - to top it all off! - a signed Joe Orsulak rookie card. The catch is it was to be at the Solomon's Car Wash because that's where I got the gift card.

I'm kidding, of course. You buy me this, and I'll be thankless. Totally thankless. I might even spit on you. That's how the world works, darlin'. Get used to it.

(Actin like a heartless jackass...I can't quite pull that off, can I?)

From this point forward, anytime you watch a movie that shares the horrendous editing characteristics which include thirty billion quick cuts, pointless slo-mo and close-up shots and way too much CGI - all of which have you thinking, what the hell just happened? - watch this clip from Ford's Stagecoach. 

And then watch this. Scroll to about 1:30 in to see a fabulous example of horrible filmmaking. Please don't watch the whole clip...unless you're unhappy with yourself and wish to wallow...crap.

I don't think being able to comprehend every on-screen image is antiquated in any way. Am I wrong? Am I an old geezer or somethin'? Good filmmaking involves putting images on the screen...that people can see! Why put an image on screen if the viewer can't make sense of it? I don't want to make this about hate, so I'll just say this: I aspire to create sequences like Ford, Peckinpah and Sturges. Those guys knew how to direct.

One last note. I know this is uber-nerdy, but I really do enjoy the art design of the Criterion Collection's releases. They've got some talented folks over there that really know how to capture the essence of any particular film.

i will drown my television in a bathtub.

This is why I sometimes want to drown my television in a bathtub:

On today's Good Morning America (the Saturday edition), they did a segment on psychic hotlines and their credibility. The interviewer asked, "Is there any sort of government regulation in place?"

Really? REALLY?

Look. I'm all for government regulation where we need it but if the day comes where our tax money goes to regulate Miss Cleo and John Edwards, I will no longer consider myself to be American.

And stop wasting programming time on stupid shit. There's still that disaster in the Gulf and a bullshit immigration law in Arizona that need to be covered, among other things. Oh! And there are still two wars being fought - American lives being lost. Maybe you can give them some attention.

Television, meet water.

That said, I do think we need Uncle Sam to crack down on these phone sex hotlines, because I need to be assured that "Misti" is really a horny Swedish chick and not an elderly German gentleman.

MY MIND? BOGGLED

Real quick: 

I used to root for the Oakland Raiders, now I root for the Redskins.

I used to root for the Pittsburgh Penguins, now I root for the Capitals.

I used to root for the Milwaukee Brewers, not I root for the Orioles.

I never really cared for basketball, so who gives a hoot about the Wizards.

So since I've converted to Blind Homerism (which has been an enjoyable endeavor, btw) this past year I've noticed how bass-ackwards Washington/Baltimore is when it comes to sports. More specifically, how uneducated most DC sports fans are - and unbelievably fucking dumb ALL sports radio callers are.

Yesterday, Mike Wise dedicated at least the first hour of his show to pretending that the Capitals had not been knocked out of the playoffs, and most of the callers were upset about this. One man actually said "it's too soon." HE SAID "IT'S TOO SOON!"

"Too soon" is a phrase used when someone made a 9/11 joke on 9/12, right? Not when your favorite team gets knocked out of the playoffs - it's not like your mom died, douche.

Whatever.

Oh! It also boggles my mind that three of the Orioles five wins come from (arguably) the two best teams of the past ten years in Major League Baseball, the Boston Red Sox and the New York Yankees.  Strange team, they are. Strange team.

Wait....WHAT?! Huh?

Let me make one thing absolutely clear.

I was taught at a young age the difference between what it meansto want something and what it meansto need something. For instance, I know I only wanted a Nerf gun when I was eight-years-old (and uh, maybe last week? Maybe?)but I know that I need to drink water to survive.

At this moment in time, I am at work. It's snowing outside and it's probably getting pretty nasty down in Calvert. I should be heading home, but I NEED to post this. Right now! Got it? Are ya with me here, ya bastards?

Okay. Good. Fantastic.

This is a trailer for a movie called Birdemic. Yeah. Birdemic. If you can make it through the first minute then prepare to be amazed by the wonders of modern technology. Fuck you, Avatar!

You're welcome.

And there's this trailer for After Last Season, which is...Well maybe you should just watch it and when your head explodes,  give me a ring. I'll be waiting.

new layout

I'm working on a new layout. So stop giving me guff, a-holes!

The Losers!!

Another awesome comic book series has been turned into a movie and, just like Kick-Ass, it seems as if the adaptation was handled well. The trailer for The Losers is out and...well, it looks pretty badass. And that's Composeon top of the fact that it looks like it's faithful to the source material.

The original series ran for about 30 issues before it got canceled, so I'm not sure if only one film could cover the insanely complicated main story arc involving The Losers and the super-evil baddie Max, but this looks promising. Just compare this image from the books and the still image below and you might just get a boner -- errr, I uh....yeah. Just watch the damn trailer.

MacGruberrrrrr!!!!!

Look. I'm not much of an SNL fan these days, but one of the few sketches that makes me laugh are the MacGruber ones. Stupid? Yes. But when have I been known to engage in high class humor, anyway?

So here's the red-band trailer for the MacGruber movie. It's really not that vulgar, but I suppose in terms of marketing it's pretty smart to go stick some date rape jokes in an SNL movie. Personally I think that's why It's Pat! wasn't a huge hit, what with its lack of f-bombs and date rape jokes....



By the way, I saw Legion yesterday.

Wow! What a terrible, horrible, shit-filled Twinkie of a movie...

(Review coming soon at this blog and WeShootHorses.)