amie and the temple of doom

I honestly didn't think I would ever have to say this but...Amie -- oh, Amie....

Amie and I went to see Doubt in Annapolis. About one hour into the movie a lady sat down next to me. I don't know why, but she just plopped down next to me and munched on popcorn. I noticed Amie in my peripheral vision, glaring at the woman -- death stare is what I believe they call it. What happened next was horrifying.

"Hey," Amie said sternly.

"Yeah?" I replied.

"Not you," she said. "Her - hey! Hey bitch!" Amie screamed. "Hey, you fucking bitch!" The woman looked at us. She was frightened, it seemed.

"Y-Yes?" she said, voice trembling.

"Bitch I think you need to get the fuck up! Get your ass up and get away from my man!" Before I could intervene, Amie had hurled her remaining Milk Duds at the woman, which caused the woman to drop her butter-drenched popped corn. "And you're buying me more Milk Duds, you slimy cocksucker!"

"Why do I have to buy you more Milk Duds?!" I inquired in a confused state.

"Not you, dipshit! That bitch!" Amie stood and lunged at the helpless woman, throwing a punch that somehow landed in my crotch. I keeled over as Amie tossed my extra large soda, which somehow also connected with my crotch. Swollen and covered in cola, my testicles resigned themselves to defeat.

"Somebody help me!" the woman screamed, "She's a lunatic!" Amie stopped. Her eyes were bloodshot, her teeth clenched.

"What. Did. You. Say?" In her eyes I saw rage. I saw...Death, Destruction and some other word that starts with 'D.' Amie turned to me, flashing that smile she knows makes my heart skip a beat. 

"Oh, baby. I'm sorry..." I will never forget the kindness - the love! - I saw in her eyes in that moment.  And I will never forget the unmitigated evil that it preceded.

Forgive me, friends, but I cannot bring myself to further describe the events of last night. At best, I can provide a visual mosaic of sorts -- a series of images that best symbolize the dread Amie unleashed upon the innocents. What Amie did was worse than this...

PLUS THIS...

AND PLUS THIS....

COMBINED!!!

Okay now that I think about it, a good description would have been what Amie did was worse than the coolest parts of the first three Indiana Jones movies combined.

And also: None of that actually happened. But I'm pretty sure you knew that already.

i pledge allegiance/ to the flag

Last Christmas Eve I got shitfaced and was late to the family Christmas party...that was being held at my house.  So here's to a Christmas Eve where I don't feel like I need to be shitfaced!

I know that exclamation seems like it's sarcastic, but it's really not. I'm glad I don't feel like I need to drink until I projectile vomit into the shower.

Hey! Who wants to watch Christmas Vacation and get really shitfaced?!

Whoa! What? I said that? When did I say that? Ten seconds ago? Psh!

Okay, fine. We won't get shitfaced...

...so who's got fireworks we can shoot off indoors?

pines are fine, but not on soap if you don't mind

First, an oldie. I'm guessing from 2006.

"pines are fine, but not on soap if you don't mind"

Apparently we have pine needle scented soap now. I used it yesterday, and for about an hour afterwards I kept smelling pine needles. The scent was following me everywhere, almost as if it was on me, almost as if I was sweating pine needles. And I didn't know why! I ask, Why do I smell like pine needles? Did someone rub a Christmas tree all over me when I was asleep? Is this some government program to create a human-evergreen hybrid to fight O'Reilly's War on the War On Christmas?

No. None of that. It was just soap. 

And then there's this. Awesome.

happiest man in the world.

Have I mentioned lately that I am the happiest man in the world?

Oh, I haven't?

Well, that's just a shame because I am. I am the happiest man in the world.

Should I repeat it?

Okay, I will. Just in case you didn't read it right.

I am the happiest man in the world.

And apparently I'm hung like an elephant...

I think she was joking about the part where she said I was hung like an elephant. Pretty sure.

I'm still happy beyond belief.

where the wild things are!!

None of these pictures are new, but Film School Rejects just posted them all at once so they made it easy for me to snag and post them here. They also list October 16, 2009 as the release date.

I don't want to wait ten months! I don't I don't I don't wanna! I DON'T!! If Warner Bros. doesn't push this up I'm gonna don a wolf costume and chase the dog around with a fork! I'm gonna! I am!

This movie is going to be absolutely fantastic.

Sometimes I don't know why I'm such a self-destructive dickwad.

UPDATE: Saturday, December 13. I will not delete this post but everyone should know I was being stupid when I wrote the above sentence. Thank you.

pints of guinness make you strong...glasses of wine make you a pussy

Amie and I were watching The Family Man today and there was a scene where Nicholas Cage's character, Jack, takes his wife out to dinner. There's a bit of dialogue concerning an $800 bottle of champagne.

Um.....Ahem?

I'm not gonna get into the whole five-bucks-for-a-bottle-of-Guinness-at-Chart-House story because I'm still in the doghouse for missing a family picture at the end of the night. However....

Listen, kids. I don't care how something is made. I don't care where it comes from or how long a bunch of grape juice sits in your cellar, unless you shit it out in $100 bills, don't spend too much money on it. I'm certainly no expert on the finer points of living a hoighty-toighty lifestyle, but to try to tell me a such-and-such hundred dollar bottle of wine gets you more fucked up or tastes better than a $20 bottle of Captain Morgan 100 Proof Spiced Rum - try to tell me that and I'll hire a midget to punch you in the nose.

Yeah...how's it feel to get punched in the nose by a midget? Not good, right?

Now I'm sure $800 is top of the line, but please!! And look: don't go on mumbling wellyou know,thebluhbluhandfermentingofthebluhandofcoursetheresthebluh because you're full of two things: shit, and yourself!

Where's my fucking Jameson?

By the way, ya wine dummies, stop buying the wine and not drinking it! There are poor Chinese children in sweat shops run by Wal-Mart that need that wine to get through their eighteen hour days, you selfish pricks!

if i flashed my back you'd get hairballs

Please don't kill me.

I'm gonna start republishing old Myspace blogs on occassion. Why? 'Cuz I'm lazy, for one. But also because I was reading through them and a few of them made me chuckle. Usually it's six minutes before I think something I wrote is complete shit, but there are exceptions. This is one. I think it's from late 2006. 

------------------

When I was a child, I once asked my father what his worst nightmare as a cop was. He spoke of thieves, rapists and murderers...but never vampires in the Old West!  And you know what that makes my dad? 

A LIAR!!! See for yourself!

(I can't find the scan of the original article, so I've substituted with a book cover. Awesome.)

WHAT?!

"Hey! I got an idea for a book! A cop goes back in time to fight vampires in the Old West!"

Since when did it become okay to use your high concept premise as the title of your book?  And where's the software upgrade that prevents actual execution of such absurd ideas?

Oh, and by the way, Borelli, I'm on to you! Your plot is basically Terminator 2 if you replace robots with vampires and Skynet with a vampire running for mayor.  Shame, shame I know your name.

And does anyone else find it amusing that the vampire if running for Mayor and not – you know – higher office? I know if I was a vampire I'd run for Sheriff so I could hire other vampires as lawmen and we'd take over he world with guns. Let’s face it: no real revolution ever accomplished something through legislation. I mean, maybe a vampire President could enact some anti-human legislation but a mayor? Not a chance. 

From here on out every project I ever create will be titled according to their concept:

+ TALKING CHINESE BANANA AND THE WACKY ADVENTURES OF HIS FRIENDS: AN EPISODIC CARTOON BANANA BONANZA

+ THE LOST BIBLE TALE: THE CUCKOO DOCTOR MAKES BIGFOOT FRANKENSTEIN AND CHASES THE BANK ROBBERS AROUND AND I THINK THERE WAS SOMETHING ABOUT GOBLINS BUT I REMOVED THAT IN AN EARLIER DRAFT

+ THE GUY AND THE GIRL LIKE EACH OTHER BUT IN THE END NOT SO MUCH: A STORY OF PUDDING, FRIENDSHIP AND PUNCHING PEOPLE IN THE BUTTS

+THE REGULAR PERSON'S NIGHTMARE: A MAN SUFFERS A RELAPSE OF HIS VIOLENT PAST AND FIGHTS TO KEEP HIS FAMILY INTACT AND ALSO THERE ARE GHOSTS AND ONE OF THE GHOSTS HAS A BEARD AND THINK HIS NAME IS ARTIE

+ THE END OF THE WORLD: WE'RE TOTALLY RIPPING OFF FERNGULLY IN THIS MOTHERFUCKER

+ THE FILM NOIR MOVIE: A FILM NOIR MOVIE

+ REVOLUTION TV SHOW: A TV SHOW ABOUT A REVOLUTION IN AT LEAST 100 HOUR-LONG EPISODES SO WE CAN MAKE MONEY IN SYNDICATION

+ JAPANESE COWBOY VERSUS NAZIS: A STATEMENT ON RACE IN AMERICA MIXED WITH WESTERN AND NOIR ELEMENTS AND CONTAINING MANY EXPLOSIONS AND SHOOTOUTS AND SOME ROMANCE IF POSSIBLE

 -------------------------------------

I googled "Frank Borelli" and found a link to his official website, where I discovered that his A Cop's Nightmare novels are just the first two parts in a six part cycle. Here they are, with a short synopsis of each in case anyone is interested:

A COP'S NIGHTMARE 3: VAMPIRES IN THE MOVIE FIEVEL GOES WEST

The world is turned upside down when Morgan Blackwell is sucked into a worm hole and comes out in a world populated with Disney characters. But there’s something terribly wrong here: all the characters are the sweet, loveable Disney characters we all know - but they are at the mercy of the worst of our reality. This is a world where the dogs in All Dogs Go To Heaven are euthanized and The Great Mouse Detective investigates the murder of Pinocchio who was found face down in gutter outside of a nudie bar -- hogtied and castrated – and Jiminy Cricket is the prime suspect. Meanwhile, Chuck Bendetti watches Who Framed Roger Rabbit frame-by-frame looking for the part where you're supposed to be able to see Jessica Rabbit's boobie.

A COP'S NIGHTMARE 4: THE NECROMANCER FOLLIES

In the fourth installment of the series, Chuck Bendetti and Morgan Blackwell meet their match when they encounter a Necromancer who has the ability to transpose human beings into living interpretations of their last names. Sort of. The Necromancer turns Blackwell into an oil derrick and Bendetti into a limber dancer named Eddie. When the two men discover Bendetti was adopted and his real last name is actually Necrodancer, they trick the Necromancer into making a deal: they are to be freed if they beat him in a dance contest. The Necromancer agrees and everyone dances the night away. Bendetti wins when the Necromancer passes out during the dance version of Ace of Base's All That She Wants.

A COP'S NIGHTMARE 5: CONQUISTADOR’S LAMENT

Chuck Bendetti and Morgan Blackwell meet their other match when they take a wrong turn...into HELL!! And what do they discover but the brooding demon we once called Hernán Cortés! Holy jumpin’ Jupiter dancin’ on the Rings of Saturn, those two are in for it now!! Or are they? Turns out Cortez is looking for revenge on his evil adversary, the dastardly abolitionist John Brown! Ooooooh, Browny yer in for it now ya Calvinist fuck! The three allies go toe-to-toe with their bearded foe, a battle which culminates at the top of the Washington Monument.

A COP'S NIGHTMARE 6: THE GHOST OF NABOKOV

In the final installment of Frank Borelli's series Stephen King stars as Frank Borelli who is in actuality the reincarnated spirit of born-again supahstah Kirk Cameron. Cameron chases Bendetti, Blackwell and King/Borelli across the desert in a chariot made of old TV Guides and Tiger Beats. But Cameron soon befriends them because Satan's minion, Humphrey Bogart, has taken Boner hostage and threatens to kill him if Growing Pains isn't released on DVD. In the explosive final confrontation in the middle of Vatican City, God appears to all in his glorious light and proclaims: "Wait, wait! What'd you say?"

---

So that's flashback number one. Hope you enjoyed it.

P.S. Who here thinks my favorite part of that enitre blog was my ability to remember Cortez' first name? Or the keen pop culture references? Or showing the rare fortitude to actually stay on message? Guess what? None of the above. To me, the greatest accomplishment of that blog - and, just maybe, my greatest accomplishment and the high point of my life - is the line Holy jumpin’ Jupiter dancin’ on the Rings of Saturn.

Genius, I tells ya! Genius!

so there!

It's funny. Not "haha" funny but more like...um, "What the fuck?" funny.

Eons ago - okay, months - I was a Blog writing wizard. I could write a blog about how the deepest, darkest places of my mind would piss on, rape and murder my happy days with the greatest of ease. This could be almost daily. Did I get any complaints? Did I ever get any, "Geez, Nick! Your blogs are boring...they're ssssoooo depressing!" Hell no! I was praised. People would remark that, while I was writing from a dark place, the writing itself was exciting.

But now that I'm happy with Amie - and now that this blog is an accurate reflection of that happiness - this blog gets crapped on. I've been told it's boring or sappy or lame and all other kind of stuff.  Crap on it all you want, but the fact remains: I am happy and that won't change. Amie makes me happy - incredibly happy. Becuase of that, yes, my writing has shifted to the romantic. Sure, it's shifted waaaayyyy to the romantic but you know what...I'm not a miserable bastard anymore. I'm so friggin happy. Like I said in the blog before...deal.

That said...

Now ask me if I'd be rather be miserable or write exciting blogs -- oh, wait! - can anyone really read that Dolph Lundgren blog and say it's not the most exciting piece of literature since Lord of the Flies?

No. No, you can't.

So there.

the war on terror...and other things that are funny

Two items: 

1) I love Amie. If you have a problem with that, you might want to a) deal or b) deal.

2) One of my final projects for a technology class this semester is a power point presentation on the War On Terror. According to the rubric I need a catchy title. Now, set aside the fact that a professor has assigned a blanket "catchy title" requirement for presentations for social issues  -- approved topics include: domestic violence, the Iraq War, nuclear disarmament, home forclosures and illegal immigration. 

Or, as I'd title them (respectively): "I Fell Down the Stairs:Domestic Violence As It Relates to Transportation to the Second Floor," "Mission Accomplished: Did You See Dubya In That Air Force Suit? Totally Fuckable!," "Get Your Uranium Out of My Peanut Butter Or I'll Improvise Some Sort of Explosive Device and Detonate It in a Neighboring Country," "Thw Wealthy ARe Fucking Perfect, Right?" and, finally, "Honey, Did We Pay That Mexican To Pull Up Our Rose Garden, or Should I Call The Cops?"

Bottom line: A "catchy" title requirement is elementary school horseshit; sometimes "catchy" doesn't quite cut it for...oh, you know, a serious issue. So....Anyone have ideas for "catchy" titles? Here's what I have so far:

--He chose...poorly: George W. Bush and the Last Crusade

--"We're gonna kick their sorry asses all over the desert!!"

-- Mother Fucker! This is a War On -- Wait, What?! They're in Afghanistan?! Oh, fuck!

--Clusterfuck: United States and the Middle East

-- The War on Terror: 2001 to meh...whenever...

-- Hey...'Member When We Thought Russia Was a Problem?!

--Oopsies Poopsies: The Al-Qaeda Story

-- (D-List Celebrity) Says You Guy Done Fucked Up..Whaddya Gotta Say 'Bout That, HM!?

--Bin Laden?! More like Been Hidin'!

--I Only Killed the Dog Because I Thought You Said War On Terriers!

And finally...

--What Dumbass Thinks You Can Fit Such a Complicated Fucking Social Issue Into Nine Slides? No One Except Reneee Jenkins, That's Who!! 

No, seriously. I already have a title. So I just wasted your time.

Yay, me!

3) I love you, Amie.

I like blogging about you when you're sleeping five feet away.

the dark place...ain't no fun

Did I ever thank you for staying up until 4am with me after I cut my thumb? Did I ever tell you how much that meant to me? Probably not. I'm thinking back to that night and I remember looking across the room at you. I wondered, She must really love me to be here right now. I thought, This must be a joke. I cut my finger so bad I'm hallucinating - I'm envisioning this lovely girl named Amie here, but it's all just a hallucination - and when I come out of it I'll have that long, lonely drive to think about the rest of my lonely life.

Now I'm thinking maybe this has all been a hoax. Because right now I feel like the long drive home is coming. And I'll be alone. I guess I never did anything to get so lucky, so maybe it makes sense that it's all been one wild hallucination. I think: When I say "I love you, Amie" and I hear "I love you, Nick" - is that all a dream? Or am I really that blessed?

I know this isn't exactly the blog you had in mind, but this is what I'm thinking.

This is my brain at work at 3:30am on a Sunday. This is why I go to bed so early...

The dark place - it ain't no fun.

But at least I've got Amie.

I just googled Dolph Lundgren

So I'm bored. So bored, in fact, that I just googled Dolph Lundgren out of the blue.

Who is Dolph Lundgren, you ask? He is only the greatest actor to have ever lived. Dolph has more acting ability in the tip of his dick than Jimmy Stewart and Orson Welles combined!  That's a lot of acting ability in the tip of his dick, I tells ya!

Dolph Lundgren has appeared in four of the American Film Institute's Ten Greatest Movies of All-Time List. Check it:

#10 To Kill A Mocking bird 

# 9 Schindler's List 

# 8. Rocky IV - I never thought a Pinko with a flattop and man teets could be so sexy. I was wrong.

.

#7 Casablanca 

#6 Universal Soldier - I never thought a Pinko with a laser eye could be so sexy. I was wrong.

# 5 Psycho

#4 The Punisher - I never thought a Pinko in leather chaps could be so sexy. I was wrong.

#3 Masters of the Universe - I never thought they could fuck up the supreme awesomeness that is He-Man. I was wrong.

#2 The Godfather

#1 Citizen Kane

The other six on that list are pretty lame movies if you ask me. I'm a real man so I only like movies with explosions, swords, boxing, laser eyes and half-naked muscle hunks.

oh wait

Gee, I sure am glad Tom Cruise adopted a German accent for Valkyrie. You know, since he plays a German it's important for him to affect a German accent. So it's good he has a nice German accent in his new movie.

Oh wait.

a penchant for talking about absolutely nothing

My blog promised me it would behave itself and not act all sappy and romantic today, so lets hope it keeps it's -- ah, shit! Who am I kidding?! It's not my blog's fault. Shame on me for trying to pin the blame on a series of HTML thingamajiggies! Shame on me! I promised myself I wouldn't be all sappy and romantic today. So here goes:

Um...is it weird to have dreams where you fuck cartoons? Because I've had no less than fifty dreams about fucking Homer Simpson in the last month.....

That's right! That's almost two Homer-fucking dreams a night for the last month.

I mean, that's like...that's normal, right? Dreaming about fucking cartoons? That's - that's - that's - um....

*AHEM*

P.S. Yes, I am fully aware of my penchant for promising to post blogs I never post. But you know what else I have a penchant for? I have a penchant for using the word penchant when I could really go without using penchant. But you know, when you have a penchant for something why not flaunt that penchant when said penchant can get you tons of penchant - more penchant than a penchant expert could get you in one year of penchant hunting using a penchant hunting machine that is specifically designed to track rogue penchant with the ferocity of a rabid penchant who lost his penchant when he/she was just a small penchant....

Huh?

P.P.S. Yes. I am fully aware that my postscript is almost as long as the original blog. Eat it.

*AHEM*

Well, if you'll excuse me, I have a short story to write.

well, hello!

I would just like to say....

I am in love with Amie.

And that is all.

here lies the underdog

You know I'm in love when...

Amie has ruined my love for the underdog!! I'm rooting for the Boston Red Sox right now. And that's because of Amie.

By nature I root for the underdog (see: 2001 Diamondbacks, 2002 Angels, 2003 Marlins, 2004 Red Sox, 2007 Rockies.) I don't hate a team once they've won a championship, but I certainly stop rooting for them as they can't be an underdog.

Alas, I have found myself rooting for the Red Sox, even after they've won two World Series championships (both in sweeps, I might add)!! Not that I don't like the Red Sox. In fact, even though they're exhibiting the makings of a "dynasty," I really like them. They are not a bought team (hello, Mr. Steinbrenner!); the success they've had is due to great management and teamwork -- I love Varitek, Pedroia, Youklis, Ortiz, Beckett, Crisp, Paplebon and company as individuals and think the Red Sox from about 2000-present have...psh! To hell with heaping praise and back to how Amie has killed...

...my love for the underdog.

Oh, well. I'll take Amie over the underdog. For sure. Any day. 

Next blog: The Nothing is Something which actually turns out to be a Wolf Man...or is it a werewolf? Who knows! But at least it's something...or is it nothing? Or worse! Is it The Nothing. Only something will tell....

JCVD = supreme awesomeness to the mega max

This flick could be...totally...fucking...awesome.

(Well...maybe.)



Film Drunk has another trailer here.

Oh! And this is hilarious. I used to not like Andy Samberg. Now I do. You can all congratulate me for being so open-minded by sending me envelopes stuffed with money.

best weekend ever

This past weekend was the best ever. And things are only going to get better.

That is all.

i love it

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I just love it.

don't be so effing corny

When I said "I'm pretty sure I think I'm falling in love with you," it was a bit of a fib. Fact is, I knew I was in love when Andre the Giant said, "Anybody want a peanut..."

...and you laughed hysterically.

That's when I knew. Sorry it took me a few more days to actually say it.

I love you, Amie.

god hates fags (unless your name is kirk cameron, of course))

I find the following clip so delightfully moist with homosexual innuendo. I absolutely love how two guys who make such a fuss about gays being evil look so amazingly gay in this clip. Kirk Cameron and his Aussie friend never cease to amaze me with their clever ways of proving God's existence.

Proof of God Via a Banana - video powered by Metacafe

Hey! You know a good way to prove the existence of god? Find a cure for cancer.

Douchebags.

28 Years Later...

I forgot to post this when I found it a couple weeks ago on Crooks and Liars.

Fitting, hm?

where the fuck am i gonna find a fascist now?

A Poet's Lament Or: Where the Fuck am I Gonna Find a Fascist Now?

It's been months since Rudy Giuliani dropped his bid to become next president of the United States...

Oh, Mr. Giuliani!

Who will arrest those filth peddlers?

Who will attempt to shut down publicly funded artistic institutions?

Who will kick the homeless off the streets?

Who will abuse authority?

Who will take credit for shit he had nothing do to with?

Who will profile African-American and Hispanic populations?

Who will let the rich get rich while the poor get to dying?

Oh Rudy! Who will the rich, white people turn to now?

Oh yeah! John McCain. 

Who knew the shit was gonna hit the fan? 

Even when he was saying shit like this.

Who is showing little by little he won't hesitate to abuse power.

Who will lie like Pinocchio's life depended on it.

Who will let the rich get richer while the poor get fucked.

It's a Christmas miracle for the Rich, White Man! Thank you, Jesus...you miserable prick.

(I used ThinkProgress links because they provide a number of other links and videos in their articles.)

Here's the trailer for Giuliani Time (available at Netflix). 

last exit to nowhere

Film School Rejects posted a story today about Last Exit To Nowhere, a clothing company that makes t-shirts with logos of places, corporations and companies from classic movies. Needless to say, I could drop an entire paycheck on this site.

Check 'em out! Last Exit To Nowhere!

My personal faves:

OCP - The authoritarian law enforcment corporation from Robocop.

Hill Valley High -- Marty McFly's school in Back To The Future (duh!)

The Winchester - the pub from Shaun of the Dead

Kevin Smith is still my hero...

First, the red-band Zack and Miri Make a Porno trailer...



And now, this clip from Comic-Con...

break it in! break it off!

I bought a new mattress and box spring thingy. Now which one of you sluts is gonna help me break it in? And by break it in I mean use it as a trampoline...

Wait! What did you say? A SEX trampoline!?

You people need to get your minds out of the gutter.

the potato genocide of 1981

Here it is! Credits and my usual long-windedness (windedness?!) below the video...

The Potato Genocide of 1981: An Educational Video

by: Andy, Jason, Lauren and Nick. Lauren did most of the camera stuff and made Nick's writing sound decent, delivering the line "See you in hell ya ignorant c-suckers!" with tremendous gusto! Jason was the explosives expert, fucked a Mr. Potato Head like a champ and wore a funny hat. Andy did most of the smoking, had a hot wiener thrown at his face and got sexually assaulted but didn't complain. Nick dyed underwear pink and overcooked the hot dogs on purpose.

This started out as a mockery of boring History Channel docs, but I realized the stuff we did just fucking around was more amusing, at least to me. The only parts of this video that were intended to be in the original video were Lauren's parts. Everything else? Outtakes.

Unfortunately, the editing software I use is Pinnacle Studio, a lousy program when it comes to rendering video. It's pretty decent as far as editing goes, at least as far as the cheap stuff goes, but it has trouble rendering the actual video to MPEG or DVD. IT never seems to create a video without having problems. God forbid you try to get fancy with the audio - and by fancy I mean drop out the background music in one freaking spot! Therefore, the sound goes way outta sync in parts. Meh. Whaddya gonna do?

A few things:

1) Even though I look fan-fucking-tastic in pink tighty whities, I need to lose weight. Well, lose weight or give my stomach a nickname along the lines of Mr. Heart Disease or Captain Clog Von Arteries.

2) I need a Mac! I need Final Cut Pro! I need to find me a rich widow willing to spend her money on me. Any takers?

3) The bit where Andy's just sorta standing around and then coughs, I originally wanted to drop the music so you could hear the following exchange

Me: Andrew, come here and give me a hug.
Andy: NO! You're sweaty and hairy!

4) The song is "Checklist" by Big D and the Kids Table. I'm sure it's obvious that the song has actual meaning, whereas our little video does not. Whatevs, cuz...how much ass does that song kick?

5) I like how adding your video to YouTube automatically makes your videos look a little more shitty.

6) Andy and I only smoke for laughs (we look so lame trying to be cool smokers) and as you can clearly see, we made Jason laugh.

So Joe Biden is Barack Obama's VP pick. Meh. Meh? Meh. You all know my pick is and always will be Dennis Kucinich, but that's besides the point.

Look. Here's the thing: Barack Obama and Joe Biden won't put a stop to all the problems this country has, but at least we'd be making a shift in the right direction. I abhor this two-party system, this red state/blue state bullshit that's tearing the country apart, this...but what we need are people that will begin to undo the damage of the Bush Administration, and I'm hoping an Obama/Biden White House can provide the atmosphere needed for people like Kucinch, Chris Dodd, Keith Ellison, Ron Paul, Bernie Sanders, Henry Waxman, Charlie Rangel and other progressive folks to make some change.

I hope. This comment makes me somewhat hopeful.

sometimes i just don't know

Question: So, a man sits down to pee and that makes him a sissy. That same man stands up to take a shit. This means he's the biggest, baddest man that ever lived, correct?

Correct! Congratulations to me for figuring this out. Now we can rest easy.

In other - less important? - news, the Potato Genocide of 1981 movie is now going to be a music video that has very little to do with potatoes and absolutely nothing to do with genocide. It's basically gonna be two minutes of us making fools of ourselves.

Still, it's great.

symmetry, somewhat: the queso matrix

I swear, I promise!

Once upon a time I had an original thought. If anybody wants to look for it....it's somewhere between the first shot of whiskey and the last shot of queso. Literally. A few hours ago I took a shot of whiskey, right now I'm searching for a thought that will explain everything, and in a few moments I'm going to slam a tortilla in some cheese. Somewhere along the line I've had a thought that meant something. I could go on, but I'm choosing not to because I don't want people to feel uncomfortable.

I cheese! I queso!

Symmetry. Somewhat.

I fought The Law (and The Law was a hemophiliac)

A bunch of us got together to shoot "interviews" for the documentary about the Potato Genocide of 1981. It was a good time. It'll take me a while to put the piece together, mostly because there's still a lot left to shoot. Still, I'm gonna slap together a few random clips, call it a teaser trailer, and post it here later today. Hopefully.

Anywho, on one of the tapes was footage from about three years ago. It was part of a larger movie titled The Bad Death of Sheriff Dusty Pickle. If you feel like pointing out that you can see the hose, kindly note that was part of the joke. There was a another scene where Jason's Russian character was beaten to death with a baseball bat. Good times, good times.

Oh, and we also used brown and yellow colored paints to make Sheriff Dusty Pickle get shit and pissed on after he was dead.

Yup. Our crew rolls classy and don't you forget it.

potatoes and ethnic cleansing

I saw a terrific movie Wednesday. It was about the potato genocide of 1914. I forget the name of it, but it was terrific. It's a documentary. Sorta like a History Channel doc, it's part interviews with persons and potato products who were alive during the genocide and part dramatic recreations. The filmmaking style - oh, how do I put this? - is sorta mashed up.

I hear laughter. Why is that? There's nothing funny about potatoes being summarily executed and tossed into shallow graves....I tell ya, those hash-and-burn tactics of the perpetrators of this heinous crime (the Swedes, of course! Fucking fascists) are quite...nevermind. A side note: someone I know asked me not to mention her by name (so I won't) but she laughed out loud during one scene that saw a herd of taters being gunned down as they fled across an open field. That girl has no class, I say! No class!

(Yes. They come in herds.)

I'm hoping it wins the coveted potato and ethnic cleansing category at Cannes. Every year that category churns out winners, but you butter believe this one will have everyone in the house frying their eyes out. And you know, even though the movie has it's sad moments, it really is sweet in spots. No seriously. Don't be a tater -- go see this movie!

After this blog I have but two questions.

One, who wants to fill a Mr. Potato Head with fake blood and then shoot it? And two, where is my fucking Pulitzer Prize for Literature?

------

From last night's happy hour...

Waiting for food.



I'm fucking adorable sometimes.



I was trying for sexy and failed miserably.



Drinking girly drinks for cheap laughs is amusing to me.

it's like two dicks...er, blogs...in one!!

Ya know what's funny? I've liked the Brewers since I was a kid. For the longest time I was "Straight Edge" (Shut up, Heather) and the Brewers sucked. Two years ago I "broke my edge" and the Brewers are good. Point being? If you are Straight Edge you are a loser.

Unfortunately it takes me being a drinker to make the Brewers a pretty good team. Which means it would take me being a coke addict to get them to the World Series. So the question is...who's gonna hook me and the Brew Crew up with some magic so I can fly to Milwaukee and see a World Series game?

I'll have to overdose to see them win the Series...FUCK!

------

I went to Milwaukee Friday and saw a Brewers game. If you think I'm gonna waste my time talking about how great it was you can all just hold your breath until you die. Why? Because. That's why.

Thursday night I was watching TV and saw a commercial for some new joint pain medicine. The ad went through the usual spiel about not taking it with other medications, but this one caught my attention because it noted that you should not take it if you have HIV. Now, I'm no doctor and I'm sure as shit not Freddie Mercury, and maybe I'm just ignorant, but...if you have HIV are you really worried about joint pain?

The Brewers game was awesome. The batteries in my camera died in the top half of the first inning. It was a long shot but I asked a vendor if anyone in the park sold AA batteries. Most people would simply say, "Aw, sorry. No." But this guy -- this fucking nerdlinger -- says, "Ohhh, no! If we sold batteries they'd end up all over the field."

News flash: I can be a total dick sometimes. It doesn't happen often, but sometimes a nerve is struck and I just turn into a bit of a dick. So he says this -- ALL OVER THE FIELD!! Really? REALLY?! And so I sez...

"That doesn't make any sense." A beat. I let this settle in. "If people were gonna throw batteries on the field. They'd be dead batteries. Like the ones in my camera."

Okay, so I could have been a much bigger dick. I swear I wouldn't have been so shitty if Miller Park wasn't selling plain ol' t-shirts for forty bucks a pop. All I wanted was a shirt with this logo on it:



Hey, you wanna know how fucking cool that logo is? To find an image you just have to search for ball and glove logo. I'm not gonna get all baseball nerdy but FUCK! That logo rules. More people wore shirts with that logo than the new logo. The Brew Crew should go old school...

I'm a nerd. I love it.

who do i have to fuck?

My mattress is now a U-shape. The past three mornings I've gotten up and felt the pain from my neck all the way down to the base of my spine. Today I woke up with the extra surprise of my knee throbbing for some unknown god damned reason.

Hey! Since your mom knows so much about so many different mattresses you think she could help me pick one out? I mean, I know she doesn't really sleep on them but I figure who else would better know which mattress has the best spring? How is your mom, by the way? Last time I talked to her she had a penis in her mouth (not mine) and another lady's mouth on her hoo-hoo (that's a vagina, ma'am). All three of them were making funny noises.

No seriously. I need a new mattress. Who do I have to fuck to get one?

I'm off to work. Get your minds out of the gutter.

a little treat before work

Technically it's 9:03 am and I could be fired for fucking around on the job, but I think it is far more important to share the red-band trailer for Tropic Thunder with everyone. Enjoy!!

I want a Flintstones orange push-up pop! NOW!

"if they move...kill em."

An announcement!
Now pay attention, ya cocksuckers!!

Andy Craven (aka The Slayer of Telephone Poles) and I have a new project! It's relatively exciting. No, no...don't worry. We're gonna finish this one. Promise.

It's called The Deposed Kings of New Mexico. I'm describing it as a noir-western-action with a liberal dose of historical/political commentary. The plot, which I won't divulge right now, is purposefully pulpy and...out there. Think Peckinpah's The Wild Bunch having it's way with the noir of John Huston, then watch them both get reamed in the ass by Kihachi Okamoto's Sword of Doom.

Nazi fuckheads. Cowboys. Knife fights. Indians that aren't portrayed as godless savages. Gun fights. Explosions. Godless Christian mercenaries.* Kidnappings. Maybe a samurai, maybe ten. More explosions. A man named Alexander Hamilton who takes pleasure in fucking shit up.

That's about it. So far. Sure, it sounds sorta...crazy? But this is the first time in a while I've been really into getting a new project off the ground -- and not running old ones into the ground.

The beer at DuClaw sucks. I know this now.

Thank you baby Jesus.

*Christian mercenaries do exist.

how much squirt is gonna come with the flirt?

Last night I jerked off.

I think. (I think?)

Now I'll tell ya folks, the thought of jerking off and not knowing whether or not I actually jerked off scares me. Why? Because...

DUDE!! I need to know how much squirt is gonna come with the flirt! I need to know if a mega-blast is gonna come or if I'm gonna be greeted with the tell-tale drip, drip, drip of a lonely man.

Heaven help me if I think I jerked off before passing out one night, only to wake the next morning with a monster erection that needs to be captured, sedated and caged. Sweet Jesus help me if the Gates of Hades open up, only to be greeted by Sisyphus' favorite boulder hurtling at a hundred miles per hour right outta my dick.

I know, I know -- I know Sisyphus' boulder wouldn't be coming out of Hades. But just follow me here: The boulder, of course, represents the mighty river of splooge that has been released from the mighty bottle that is my Irish dick. And you guessed it -- the Gates of Hades is my pee hole. That makes the actual head Hades itself. Therefore, my balls are Romulus and Remus and Zeus is my butt.

And Athena is my poop.

What a mess that would be. What a fucking mess!!

butt seriously

But seriously, folks. I'll tell you the truth...

Reasons I won't kill myself before the end of the year:

To start, you're stuck with me for at least a few more days, cuz this sumbitch drops next Tuesday...BOOM!



And then...THEN!!

Step Brothers and X-Files
My penis feels funny.

Transsiberian -- Aug 1 (NY)
New Brad Anderson flick. Anderson is one of the parties responsible for Session 9 and The Machinist, so this should be excellent.

Pineapple Express -- Aug 8
This looks awesome. And I'm not even a pot smoker.

Tropic Thunder -- Aug 15
This will be one more reason Jason has to start liking Robert Downey Jr. Take that, Nagy!

Hamlet 2 -- Aug 22 (limited)
This one might suck. But it's liable to piss off a lot of easily offended Christians and that's always good for a laugh.

Burn After Reading -- September 12
Dude. It's the effing Coen brothers. Give me a reason this isn't going to kick ass and I'll give a blowjob to a dead horse.

Righteous Kill
This is probably gonna suck, but fuck it -- DeNiro and Pacino together for two hours? I'm there.

Ghost Town
I heart Ricky Gervais.

Choke
How many years have I been saying Sam Rockwell is amazing and, quite honestly, a looker?

What Just Happened (LA/NY)
Based on Art Linson's autobiography. This clip is the only one I've been, and apparently this episode is based on an actual event involving Alec Baldwin. Killer. Bruce Willis is great.

Religulous
Bill Maher's documentary about various world religions. I happen to like Maher. I like his show. I think he's got the kind of mind this country needs to move in the right direction.

How To Lose Friends and Alienate People -- Oct 3
Simon Pegg! 'Nuff said.

Zack and Miri Make a Porno -- Oct 31
It got an NC-17 rating its first time going past the MPAA, which means it will be eight trillion (literally! yes!) times better than Clerks 2. That's saying something.

Rocknrolla -- Oct 31
Maybe Guy Ritchie will stop sucking now.

Quantum of Solace -- Nov 7
Daniel Craig is the best James Bond ever. Everyone owes me ten bucks for not believing me.

The Road -- Nov 26
This should be way better than No Country For Old Men simply because The Road was a better novel. I heard they're turning McCarthy's Blood Meridian into a film as well, so that should blow both No Country and The Road away.

The Day the Earth Stood Still -- Dec 12
I know, I know. Keanu Reeves stinks. I was skeptical as well. Then I saw the trailer and this has some promise.

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button -- Dec 19
David Fincher adapting F. Scott Fitzgerald!? Wonderful. Fight Club is BY FAR his worst film and that kicked ass. This one might just be his best yet.

That doesn't include the handful of "indie" flicks that pop up on occasion or the neverending Netflix queue. So suck it, death! Suck it! And every year the list replenishes itself. Understand? Good.

smiley face. jesus face. rape face.

Dear Jesus,

So let me get this straight:

I keep getting fucked, correct? It's a constant, correct? Over and over -- fucked, correct? Various means, correct? Various motivations, correct? And I'm supposed to accept getting fucked, correct? Over and over again, correct? Until I die, correct?

"You know, medication helps. Medication assists the victims' psychological healing in the unfortunate occurrence of an unabashed ass raping. Did you know that?"

I say that in jest. Because -- you know (PEOPLE!!) that medication does not aid in the prevention of rape. Did you -- did you know that? No. You did not. Because you're a fucking moron. And if you think "God" is gonna help anything...well...MEH!! I tried that once...and guess who raped me? Yup. Thanks Jesus! Smiley face. Jesus face. Rape face.

Hello, everyone. I am going to get in a "car accident" when I turn thirty years of age. watch out for the blood lolz!!!!!!


I said lolz

LOLZ!!!!

bears, gummied and other political essays

Today I ate about two pounds of gummy bear (that is, many teency gummy bears and one giant gummy bear), two meals at Chik-Fil-A, a handful of caramel treats and a single box of Nerds. Needless to say, I have a tummy ache.

Giant gummy bears aside, today work gave me the rare blessing of a (somewhat) funny story. Now, when I hear about people saying or doing outrageously stupid things I'm usually skeptical. Under the guise of playing Devil's Advocate (yes, like Homer Simpson) I'll usually say, "Oh, they probably just had a brain cramp!" Thus, I procure more information on how and why said stupid person did such a stupid thing. But today? Today I couldn't even do that.

The receptionist ordered two pizzas from Ledo's. When they arrived she called numerous people, inquiring about a most curious mystery: Who ordered two pizzas from Ledo's?

Long story short, she finally realized she ordered the pizzas! Thanks, Scoob!

But -- BUT!! Where did she store the leftovers? There was no room in the fridge and you don't want to leave it out in the kitchen, leaving it to be ravaged by hungry secretaries in post-lunch feeding frenzies. And plus you need it to stay hot. Hot. So naturally the best place to keep a pizza hit is?

Her car.

Yes, her car.

No child left behind, assholes.

insert one of many quotable Joker lines here:

Since I'm the resident movie nerd in my group of friends and people clamor for it (for my movie review AND my cock), here's the best Dark Knight review I could muster. I tried to lay off all the nerdy film terms. Promise.

As is typical of my longer entries, I'm sure it's riddled with typographical errors. I apologize. Now shut up.

----------


I can't do a review of The Dark Knight. I truly can't. I had such high expectations. Unreasonably high expectations, to be honest. The Dark Knight surpassed them. Ya know, whatever -- I'm a huge Batman nerd and I'm a huge movie nerd. Combine the two things and you've got magic. I was going to apologize if this post got too nerdy, but you know what? Shut up.

Heath Ledger was fucking amazing. It would require another post entirely to explain why I think a posthumous Best Supporting Oscar wouldn't merely be an empty gesture, so I won't go into that. I found this post on WWTDD.com and I think it sums things up quite nicely.

And not to trivialize Ledger's life -- lord knows there are more important things in life than movies, including the fact that his death brought much needed attention to the issues of depression and anxiety -- not to trivialize his life, but it sucks that we won't get any more of Heath Ledger as the Joker. Fact is, I can't see Ledger in the Joker. There are times when I see aspects of Bale's Patrick Bateman (American Psycho) in Bruce Wayne and I knew the entire time that Aaron Eckhardt was playing Harvey Dent. Only Gary Oldman comes close to so successfully immersing himself in character that I could sometimes forget he was just playing a character.

The film clearly sets up the prospect of more Joker; The Dark Knight was clearly the set-up piece for a bigger, better, badder battle between the Joker and Batman. Anyone who knows about storytelling understands the set-up and the payoff. Typically the set-up is, simply, something to go unnoticed. The payoff is what matters. What Christopher and Jonathan Nolan and David Goyer have done ( with respect to Frank Miller, Alan Moore, Jeph Loeb and others) is used one entire film as a set-up. There is no true payoff in this film for most characters, and that's a beautiful thing. The payoff would have been a third film that would have surely made The Dark Knight look like Batman Forever in comparison. As a would-be writer I find it incredible that nearly three hours is spent on a set-up -- and it remains exciting the whole way through. I can only imagine what a third film with Ledger would have been.

Of course, there's Aaron Eckhardt, Christian Bale, Michael Caine and Gary Oldman, too. All terrific. And lets not forget the quick cameo of Cillian Murphy. If you blink you'll miss him, but it's a great detail.

There's the cinematography of Wally Pfister -- I can't wait to see this at IMAX to see his DP prowess in all its noir-y glory!! Pfister moves from gloomy Gotham nighttime exteriors to bright daytime sequences and it's all quite stunning. I'm thinking of the Joker's first scene as a prime example of the former and the hospital sequence as an example of the latter. Pfister doesn't go overboard with the darks in his palette. He allows the sun to shine when need be. After all, daylight can make even the dirtiest of cites look shiny. It's remarkably easy to wind up with a schizophrenic picture in terms of the photography, but Pfister does just fine here.

Massive props (har har) to the production design team, set designers and location scouts as well. I am again thinking of the jail house sequence, but also the Joker's first scene with Gotham's best criminals and the chase sequence in the second act. Again, it's easy to create an uneven palette in terms of a cityscape, but these teams did an incredible job culling together bits and pieces of Chicago to create Gotham.

And so, we come back my my insanely high expectations. Exceeded. Totally. I have a nerd boner. And it won't go away. Can someone please suck me off? You have to be wearing a Joker outfit to make this work.

Unfortunately, Toby Keith's new movie comes out in a few weeks, which means The Dark Knight will them recede from the public consciousness and fade into the void inhabited by such films as Killer Klowns From Outer Space, Howard the Duck, Scarecrow Slayer and From Justin To Kelly.

Toby Keith. Now that dude knows how to write a hit, don't he?! Yee haw!

fucking myself

If I don't start writing on this stupid blog more I'm gonna force myself to stick my dick in a blender.

That blender won't be on, of course. I mean...well, that's just dangerous. I had an Uncle who fell for the ol' dick-in-the-blender gag. Ever since then I've steered clear of blenders. That's why my milkshakes are hand -- whoa! Idea.

I'm gonna start a milkshake company and our motto is gonna be "We hand stir our milkshakes, because we don't wanna get our dicks caught in the blender!"

CUT TO: A smiling old man handing a milkshake to his wife. Aww.

It's too hot. I'm not wearing pants because it's so hot. I'll be honest: me talking about not wearing pants is making me horny. And I sorta want to fuck myself right now.

pee keys: a couplet

Today I washed pee off a set of keys
and I did it with a disturbing amount of glee.

Now that's a couplet! Fuck you, Billy Shakespeare!!

not my president

I want this on a t-shirt....right now!!

That's the best I could do with my limited artistic ability. But I still want a shirt made of it. It'll go well with my "L. FRANK BAUM IS A RACIST COCKSUCKER" SHIRT.

"It will be my sincere and constant desire to observe toward the Indian tribes within our limits a just and liberal policy, and to give that humane and considerate attention to their rights and their wants which is consistent with the habits of our Government and the feelings of our people." -- Andrew Jackson, March 4, 1829

"After a harassing warfare, prolonged by the nature of the country and by the difficulty of procuring subsistence, the Indians were entirely defeated, and the disaffected band dispersed or destroyed. The result has been creditable to the troops engaged in the service. Severe as is the lesson to the Indians, it was rendered necessary by their unprovoked aggressions, and it is to be hoped that its impression will be permanent and salutary." -- Andrew Jackson, December 4, 1832

Andrew Jackson. What a dick.

i'm boring

Well. Other than

1) drinking too much and
2) telling half the office I engaged in lots of unprotected sex in college (not true, and I need to remember that I'm not good at dry humor) and
3) rambling incoherently about someone who needs to be hit in the back of the head with a bag of stale bagels and
4) coming perilously close to having a nervous breakdown,

I had quite a bit of fun at happy hour last night.

I think this weekend I'm gonna drown myself in movies. Not literally, of course, as I tried to do that before and my mom yelled at me because I used her Golden Girls DVD box sets to do it.

(Just kidding -- the Golden Girls DVDs were mine.)

I recently read that this October Criterion is gonna roll out films on Blu-ray. The first batch will include Bottle Rocket, The Third Man, The 400 Blows and Contempt. Needless to say, my nerd boner has been intense. If they somehow get the rights to Touch of Evil and put that on Blu-ray I might just shit my pants.

Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX Batman at IMAX. Woot!!

think happy thoughts, peter

Peter Pan needs to see some multi-colored creme treats or he's gonna lose his shit.

two movies you should see

Well ladies and gentleman, we're a little past the 1/3 mark of the year and thus far it's been a fairly good year for movies. I'd like to take this time to share with you the first two films for consideration in my Favorite Films of 2008 list:

In Bruges. Funny! Much funnier than the previews made it out to be. It's hard to do dark comedy. Most of the time dark comedies fall flat -- Bad Santa comes to mind -- but this ranks up there with Dr. Strangelove and Man Bites Dog.

Son of Rambow. A story of outcasts becoming lost in worlds of their own creation in order to find some sense of meaning, it's terrific. Son of Rambow needs a few Oscar nods -- best original screenplay at the very least. Seriously, if the Academy can award overacted, melodramatic trash like Titanic, Million Dollar Baby and Crash Best Picture then surely a film with actual heart can get some love.